Friday, September 24, 2010


Before, if I saw a cute outfit for Aviana, I used to buy a few. One to wear this year, and one for the next.  If it were really cute, I would stockpile!

Just prior to coming home from the hospital, Aviana had ballooned up in weight. None of her old clothes fit her. Her weight continued to increase. I went through my stash of this years, next years, and the years beyond in clothes. Nothing fit.  I ended up buying her all new clothes.

For me, one of the saddest days was packing up all of her old clothes. The above statement was put much too lightly and delicately.  I felt sick to my stomach, and through tears, I stuffed all of it into a space bag. This task was accomplished as fast as humanly possible. Even at lightning speeds, I could not stop the slideshow of memories. With each passing outfit, there were vivid mental pictures.

As I bundled the brand new items for future years, complete with tags and such....I felt like a stupid, idiot. A fool. Why would I have purchased these? What was I thinking! Each day is not a guarantee. At that moment, I vowed to never purchase another item for the future. 

Fast forward to yesterday, I found the cutest little Halloween shirt for Avi. Without a thought, I grabbed the next size up. For next year, of course.

It wasn't until I folded it, and walked to the familiar future drawer that I remembered my vow. The pain of the last withdrawn contents was just about as fresh as the last time I had opened it.

I thought to myself, of course Avi will be here next year. She is strong. She is healthy. She is vibrant.  My mind quickly remembered, she was all of these things before too.

I wasn't sure what to do, so I just laid her new shirt on the dresser, to be dealt with at a later time.


  1. I tear up going through Emma's baby clothes. I can only imagine how it feels for you. We pray every day for the strength you need to make this journey. *hugs* Love you, Jen!

  2. i LOVED that you found the need to *stockpile* clothes for Avi that were just too cute.....looking back, i can think of several favorite outfits that i wish my mom would've had that kind of foresight to buy for the future!!!

    and yes the feelings of packing up and disposing(? sounds so cold & calculating) my parents clothes & belongings after they were gone was so heartbreaking i can only begin to imagine how it must have been for you to put away all the darling clothes that beautiful avi never got the chance to wear.......the whole ordeal must have been wrought with emotion.

    ....and YET, here you are today, once again .....BUYING FOR THE may not realize it BUT your subconscious has seen and knows that there is a future....there is hope.....avi gets stronger by the hour. she accomplishes miracles every day. this little girl is going boldly into the future....and in that future drawer/treasure chest you are going to have THE PERFECT OUTFIT for the occasion just waiting for her.......

    live in the now....enjoy every moment with avi & dave and kama .....CELEBRATE THE FUTURE that has yet to unfold itself before your eyes

    me ke alohas
    <3 ~j

  3. Oh Jen- I can only imagine the emotions that flow through your mind as you are doing this but I really believe that you are sometimes too hard on yourself. Packing up old belongings whether they are clothing, toys, etc.... makes us remember the past- sometimes it is a good feeling and sometimes it is not. Looking ahead to the future is never a bad thing - it gives us hope and that gets us through the days when we feel that hope is not there beside us. Sending you a great big (((HUG))) - and I say that AVI needs a great BIG HALLOWEEN BOW to go with that cute shirt!!!!!!

  4. Oh Jen...I totalhy get it, just in a different way. I was the "new mom" who wouldn't wash a single item of clothing, because my baby wasn't going to come home with us.
    Then, when he came home with us, I still wouldn't wash the clothes that were "above" his age.

    One again, I can't feel your specific pain, but I get it. And you are TOTALLY allowed to do whatever you want when it comes to clothing. If it works for you, it works for your family!