Saturday, September 18, 2010

Would you rather?

Aviana was in the hospital for a total of three months. She fought for her life in Trauma 1 for one month, and then was moved to the Kaiser PICU. She then was moved back to the UCD PICU for just about one month.

In that time, I saw some of the most horrific things I had ever seen.  My heart went out to the various families of these particular children.

For some strange reason, which at the time I did not understand, I would play a morbid game called "Would You Rather?"  I would drive Dave nuts with this game.  It went something like this....

Would you rather have a brain injured child or a child with cancer?

Would you rather have a brain injured child or a child that was burned?

Would you rather have a brain injured child or a child with no arms?

Would you rather have a brain injured child or a child with no arms and legs?

Would you rather have a brain injured child or a child that had passed away?

Would you rather have a brain injured child or a child with progeria?

Dave appeased me for a little while, and then stopped me in my tracks with this....

I would rather have a perfectly healthy child, than a brain injured child.

I quickly started to keep this sick game to myself.

At first, I noticed I would rig the game in my own mind to always have the brain-injured child "win." I then realized that I would question every single scenario, and wonder what I would prefer. This kept me busy for quite sometime. Sadly, I began to recognize that Aviana, in my mind,  was losing in so many scenarios. I think this is why the game went on the decline.

I try not to play this game anymore, but it sure has a way of sneaking in and taking over sometimes.

I felt like a weird sicko, and so I did eventually bring it up to my counselor.

She said, "It's not sick, you are just trying to make some sort of sense out of this horrific, tragic event."

I suppose I will never be finished making sense of this, and I will just have to sort of go with the crazy, mixed up things my mind sometimes does.

The bottom line is, I too so desperately.....

Would rather have a perfectly healthy child, than a brain injured child.


  1. I think that it is a healthy game to play. When something horrific happens, I always play the "At least" game. Start by saying "At least...". In EVERY situation there is an "at least" and something to be glad about. It is good to switch the situation around in your favor. How else could you make it okay in your mind?

  2. Who wouldn't have a perfectly healthy child then a brain injured one, sounds normal to me. I have wierd games in my mind to most of them are scary scenerios and how we would escape, which is awful in its self but of course I've done it my whole life, the thing is is when something happens normally its something else, like what you are going thru. I can see how your mind would be trying to somehow make sense out of something that will never make sense, nor is it fair.

  3. WOULD YOU your minds way of finding the silver lining on a very dark cloud.

    Play the game when it pops into your head, it's your your unconscious thoughts trying to restore order & make things right

    i play far worse games at times.

  4. My heart hurts for you, and for Dave, and for Aviana. But my heart also smiles. I think of the beautiful ways your family's endurance has touched the lives of people you've never met. I think of the the prayers that people say for you and for your family and how He works in amazing ways. I think about the e-mail I received and read about a little girl who had been involved in a tragic accident and was in critical condition, and to be honest with you, while I prayed, I had also accepted that He may take this little girl who I've never had the honor of meeting back home. And that little girl is your brain-injured Aviana, who brings smiles to many. That brain-injured child, is the one who's bridged families across the internet, who has reminded all of us to appreciate life, and to live in the moment. That brain-injured child is the child I talk to my husband about and say, "Remember that little girl who was hit in the cross walk. . .?" And that's been followed by these blessings:

    1. She's out of ICU
    2. She's home!
    3. She's growing, and getting stronger.

    And I plan on adding on to this list, as you continue to share your journey and and share all of the wonderful things that your brain-injured child accomplishes. Your brain-injured child isn't defined by her injury. Your child is your child, who happens to have an injury. A serious injury, yes. A complicated injury, yes. An injury that may limit some aspects in life. But are they really limitations if she knows no different? She's a child, she's resilient, she's loved and adored. Would you rather have a non-brain-injured child who wasn't Avi? I know the answer to that one. I know, as a parent, you want your child to be happy, to be successful. . .And as hard as it is, and as frustrated as I get with my own kiddos, who aren't brain-injured, to answer your question what I would rather have is peace in my heart, and content children. I struggle with this daily. I have to remind myself of what my true wish is. . .

  5. I would rather that you didn't play "Would you rather?" anymore!

    Momwithfaithandhope...I love everything you said above!