Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Upside the Head

An internal war is raging.

A difficult duality.

The polarity never ceases to surprise,

And amaze.

It's a place of great contradiction.

The larger the love,

The more the pain.

I'm sure,

This is nothing new.

To some degree,

We all experience this sort of thing,

And at some point in our lives.

In my life,

My love could previously exist,

Without this constant counterbalance.

One that offsets,

And rivals,

My every affection.


And to a certain extent,

Love could usually exist,

Devoid of direct pain,


And until.


This love,

My love,

Cannot exist without pain.

Constant pain.

Incessant pain.


An ache of some sort.


To some varying degree.


How could it possibly,

With a child who can't show any happy emotions,

Or do anything,

How can one feel only love,

And not share that space with PAIN?


When you had three years of watching the most,




Bundle of bliss,

You've ever laid eyes upon?

Can you feel my internal struggle?

My opposition.

It's not a daily predicament,

But more,

Moment by moment.

In this life,

The sails can shift quick.

When I'm holding Aviana,

Things feel right - for the most part.

But I can't hold her all day.

So, when I'm unable to hold her,

But merely walking by,

And she's just sitting,


Unable to do,

And as she is,

A war sometimes rages within.

With just one quick glance,

Internal combustion!

A violent fight amongst.

I love you so much!

But, I hate this so much!

How do you watch someone you love,

Go through this,

Every single moment,

Of every single day.

A life stripped away.

How does one make sense of this?

It's not to be made sense of.

It's not to be made sense of.

It's not to be made sense of.

It just is.

So much love,

But yet,

So much pain.

I want to feel only love,

But as hard as I try,

That singular place,

Of love,

Does not exist,

Without pain.

The pain is deep,

And dark.

So dark it sometimes must be covered.

Numbness tends to take over,

For me to -



Carry on,

For if not,

Every seizure,

And every terrified scream that follows,

And all the drool,

And food spilling forth,

And the rapidly flickering eyes,

From side to side,

And every which way,

And then those other ones,

The ones where the eyes drift,

Ever so slowly,




Until they are into the top of her head.

And I mustn't forget,

Every other of these brain injury related nuances,

As each and every,

Would surely put me over,

And under.

A certain level of nonchalant,

And normalcy,

Must be learned,


In order to survive,

If not thrive.

But it's those moments,

Those glances,

The ones that grab hold,

Shake you silly,

Smack you upside the head.

It's those ones that demand your attention,

As suddenly,

You are no longer allowed to drift freely in the comforts of,

Your haze,

Your daze,

The protective bubble you bounce freely within,

Because in those very seconds,

You are roped into the realness of your reality.




And there you have it -

The contradiction in terms.


  1. You are an amazing writer. This has really moved me. Thank you for sharing this.

  2. Sometimes my heart just hurts for you.

  3. So sorry for what you go through