Monday, August 13, 2012


Sorry, my body and brain have been consumed in many ways. I didn't mean to be gone so long, but every time I sat down to write ~ I thought...not now, later. 

I have so much to say, but can't seem to get the words out. It's like they all make perfect sense up top, but down here....not so much. Not yet anyway.

As for Gary, the reason I haven't updated is ~ everything came so perfectly full circle. His situation. Our situation with Aviana. The realization that bonked me up side the head one day. The one I have spent entirely too long trying to tell you about. It all came twisting together into a perfectly wrapped little bow. A bow around a package I so desperately wanted to deliver to you in a more beautiful fashion, than what I have been feeling lately.

So I apologize for being gone indefinitely. It was not my intention. Gary, and all of us to some extent and at some point or another, have all been thrown for a loop by this. But he has been high on the anxiety, but doing his best to keep it at bay, as he knows there is not much of anything he can do about it.

Thank you so much though for all of your thoughts for our family. As always, we love and appreciate you! 

I'll try and gather my thoughts soon though and write more. But before I get to that, I hope you don't mind taking a trip into the Birthday Blues with me. I have done the best I have ever done since the accident, but I can outrun no more, whomever they are, they have caught me, and caught me good.

Do you remember those awfully fake looking, sounding, ghoulish creatures in the movie Ghost? It's like when they come to get the bad dude and take him away...well, they got me. I am a drippy mess. I can't stop crying. I cry here. I cry there. I cry everywhere. I don't want Aviana to see me so I leave the room, or cry into her hair, but she knows, because she ends up soaking wet.

"Uh Mama ~ why does it feel like I just got out of the bath?"


I just have to get through 3 more days.

Isn't it just the saddest thing? That dates don't matter to me all year long, but even if I don't pay any attention to the calendar, my internal subconscious just knows to feel doom and gloom against my will? And how awful, and sad...that my girl's birthday just so happens to be the absolute saddest day of the year for me!!



  1. this is YOUR blog. Ya post when ya want to honey. No pressure...Pressure takes the good and/or fun out of most things. kwim?

    Dang birthday season. gggrrrr BUT it gives me goosebumps that your subconscious knows "it's time to grieve a bit" regardless if your heart/soul/mind have thought about it yet. You and Avi are in sync I tell ya (and I'm definitely not talking about the 90's pop band ;)

    If I were you I'd be crying, throwing things, blowing up my credit card online, finding new cars I had to have, cutting my hair, getting a(nother) tattoo.

    You HOLD Avianna and then you insure she doesn't see you cry.

    You are fantastic....You are doing a GREAT job handling all of this. Tears don't mean failure.


    PS BUT if ya ever wanna get that me!

  2. Hi Jen,
    I found your Blog from a post you made on a family member of mine's blog, my Niece's Cousin is Brenna Westlake (Harlequin Ichthyosis baby in IL) and I was intrigued by the insight and assistance you gave Courtney, I have read through what I can of your story( i have 2 small daughters and alot of this has brought me to tears) I can see that you are a very strong, spiritual person I cant imagine what you haev been and are going through and can only say stay strong and you and your family will be in my prayers.
    with Love

  3. Sorry things are so tough. Hope brighter days are ahead. I try very hard in my own life to enjoy the now and not think about how the movies going to end or twists I know are inevitable. I fail a lot too. I hope you feel better soon :)

  4. Dear sweet Jen, I wish there were words big enough to make things better and remove the pain. I know we'd all say them over and over if there were. You have the most precious little girl, but I can't help wishing it were different. I think we should all be granted one Do Over in life. I've been thinking about her birthday since I saw you and I'll be sending lots of love and birthday wishes on Thursday.
    Lots of love to all of you at this difficult time.

  5. I'm so sorry for how you are feeling. Like ferfischer said - hugs - big bear hugs!

    Thanks for the update on Gary. I pray he continues to stay well and in good health.

  6. Happy Birthday, baby girl! You are so loved by so many people!

  7. Happy birthday, Avi! Jen - I wish I could reach out and hug you. I've been thinking about your family, especially today. I pray that eventually, you will find peace with this day. Much love - Jillian <3

  8. Hey sweetheart - thinking of you, knowing it was hard, happy to have had Avianna in my heart to think about her on her day.

    Do you a lot of symbolic slashes and bruises? Or did you go jump out of a plane or something?

    Luvin' ya,

  9. BTW...did the girl get some good swag? She woulda on the Oprah Show ;)