Monday, February 7, 2011

Swirling Around

Prior to leaving, I honestly felt I had hit a wall full speed ahead. I couldn't get out of this town fast enough. I was exhausted, as exhausted could be. I felt lost. We had waited way too long to get away.

I had some crazy old feelings seep back in from under the door. As our trip approached, I wondered why it was that I didn't feel I was going to miss Aviana too much.  How could that be? Why was I feeling this way? Why was it that I was having such a hard time leaving Rainey? Why was it that I was worried about her, and not Aviana? I felt sad, as all of these thoughts swirled around the edges of my mind. I asked Dave. He said, he thought I would miss Aviana, but I wouldn't miss the therapy. He said I was intermingling the two.

I went to see my counselor, and explained all of the above.  She said it all made perfect sense to her. She said she is surprised we had lasted as long as we did considering the rate we were going. She thought I would have coped out months and months prior.

She said I needed a break from everything in the worst way. She said my homework was to not think about Aviana at all while I was gone. She even expanded that to the U.S. Do not think of the U.S. while we are gone. Okay.

She said the reason I was worried about Rainey, and not Aviana is because the worst had already happened to her. There really wasn't much else that could happen. With Rainey, nothing has happened, and everything can. I have to admit, that is the way I feel. Dave and I talk about that very thing from time to time.

I don't know. The thoughts just creeped me out, but it is what it is, right?

Can you believe it, once we got to Cabo, we ate, and I told Dave I was just going to take a little nap. I slept for fifteen hours straight. Dave did too, with a 3 hour window in between where he hoped I would wake up so we could order room service ;o) I fell asleep at 6:30pm and woke up at 10 am. I did not know where I was, and almost even who I was :o)

We did a great job of not really thinking of too much back at home.  When we were flying back, I worried that I didn't miss Aviana enough.

Luckily, once I scooped her up, I realized just how much I did miss the little pumpkin. We couldn't get enough of her.

Geez Mom, how many times do I have to ask you, "Can you please just run a comb through my hair??"

Still though, I can't help but keep contemplating everything lately. Contemplating, contemplating, contemplating....

I also have to admit, I did not miss the therapy one bit, and wish I could just throw it all away, and never see it again, but that would be like throwing Aviana's future away!

I have never experienced a love/hate relationship of this nature before. I love it. I have to have it. It is, hands down, the greatest gift we could give Aviana, but I am just so tired lately.


  1. Your feelings are totally understandable. The devotion that you have to Aviana is so intense. It is torture to have to do it, but you give of yourself, your life, your spirit, your energy, your sanity to do it. You make so many sacrifices, too many to list. It is all encompassing and it doesn't end. It is so intense that you could scream every 1/2 hour of your life. It is too much for anyone to handle, even someone as strong in body and mind as you. It is just too much Jen. You really need more breaks from it, scheduled regularly. You do it, because you love her. I understand it, especially now with what my mom is doing for my dad around the clock. But you can't keep it going at that pace for so long. It eventually catches up with you if you like it or not. Okay, I will stop ranting. Just take more breaks please. Oh and also, the pictures were so adorable!! I can feel the love between them!

  2. I was going to comment, but Tracy said it all. You deal with a LOT day in and day out. More than many could even imagine. Those breaks, even the little ones, are crucial to maintaining your sanity and relationship. Lots of love - Jill.

  3. no need for me to add anything in but so glad you got all that sleep, your body needed it espcially your mind.