Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Simple Twist of Fate

A reoccurring thought used to visit me on a daily basis. Can you imagine having an unwanted visitor in your house every single day! I so wanted this visitor to leave, but my simple wish was not granted….at that time!

I used to think,

if the timing could have been just slightly off,

if we had just started the process at a different time,

if maybe even we hadn’t decided to adopt at all,

or maybe even not had kids at all.

If only,

if only,

if only,

this sweet, beautiful, kind hearted beauty was not chosen for me.

With a heavy heart, I knew deep down, that this girl was not for me. And I, was definitely not for her. The thought would come crashing down and feel like a lightening bolt had just struck my very soul.

I would say to myself, “This sweet little girl was strategically dropped into the wrong family.” Not because of Dave, not because of my mom and Gary, and certainly not because of anyone else in my family.

Plain and simply because of me!

I would look at her and think she deserved so much more than I could offer. Let's face it, I was home with her all day, and I felt like there were a million better places she could be.

This era of my life was the single most difficult time. I know that sounds strange, but if you have been reading along, I know I have gone into great detail.

Aviana was always the best child. I was nothing like I had hoped, imagined, or dreamed of being toward her.

I'd like to quickly point something out, I was not being hard on myself. When I went to counseling over it, her answer was, “Just put the bat down, stop beating yourself up.” I assure you, this was not the case. Think about a time when you knew something was very wrong. You knew it. You intrinsically know when something is missing, and missing it was! I am just being honest, not hard on myself.

That being said, my unwanted guest officially left the building in approximately August of last year. After hanging around, against my will, for approximately 2 full years, he finally vanished into thin air. I couldn’t be happier about his demise.

All I ever wanted, is right in front of me. I am eternally grateful that someone knew better than I. I am forever thankful that out of all of the families in the world, “we” were blessed beyond measure to have this beautiful girl placed with us!

My days are now filled with looking at her and knowing, without a doubt, that if what happened to her, was destined to happen, then we are both right where we need and want to be!


  1. I know you do what you do without looking for or needing outside praise and kudos. I know you do what you do from the love that lives in your soul. I know you and Aviana have a love that passes all understanding. But girl, you inspire me more than you could ever know. Whether you like it or not, you are amazing!!

  2. wy-not~

    Thank you so much for such a great compliment. What you said, really means a lot to me :o)

    Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!


  3. Jen- you are an amazing person in so many ways- You have an ability to really look at your life experiences and truly, honestly live them, experience them, learn more about yourself from them. Most people never get to that point in their lives... EVER!!! Then you go above and beyond and SHARE those inner parts of your self with others like all of us that read along daily. You are an inspiration because you share yourself with others- I know that after reading your posts I look at things differently..for the better! Thank you so very much for blessing all of us with your journey!!

    Annie in Toledo

  4. I am so glad that he has left so you can get on with your lives as they are, but at least you are past the 2 years of feeling like "that" person

  5. i'm with WY-NOT....you are truly amazing & inspirational and i thank you for letting me (us) follow you on your journey <3

    as i was reading your latest post....this is what kept popping into my head (yes, of course, it is gfa):

    Where when I hear her I can see her
    I can smell her sweet perfume
    I can feel her skin against me when I sleep
    Where I won't miss her I can kiss her
    Anytime that I want to
    Yeah that's right where I need to be
    Yeah I'm right where I need to be

  6. Thanks for the comments everyone. You guys are awesome!

    Judianne~ There is GFA all over this blog, weaving its way in and out :o) I had to add the "want" in there too though, but I knew you would pick up what I was puttin' down!!!!

    Just wait, I am gathering my thoughts for blog notes with the new CD in mind. Hee Hee, I'm like a kid in a candy store :o)

    Judianne~ Thank you so much for following along! My new GFA friend. So sad, I wanted to go back to HOB on 4/17, but we won't be able to! I bet you are going, right?



  7. I was diagnosised with "Post Placement Depression" after our son was home from China. I suffered in silence for 18 mos before I finally got help, a diagnosis, and medicine.

    The absolute worst 18 mos of my entire life. I felt lost, lilke a failure, like I'd ruined our family, ruined the lives of my other three boys, ruined my marriage, and without hope...I was proud of myself if I was was able to hug him twice/day. It was a struggle like no other I have ever had.

    I don't think I will ever forget the first time I really "saw" my son. I finally felt love, real love that what I had for my other kids -adopted and bio - and I wanted to get on my knees and thank God that I had finally fell in love with this amazing kid whom everyone else oozed over.

    Good for you for being honest....This type of thing is swept under the rug SO OFTEN in the adoption community....whereas "Post Partum Depression" (after a bio-birth) is watched for like a hawk.

    Mom to 5 crazy kidlets

  8. You've seen it all. Now is your time to be in
    beauty. You are truely blessed.
    Please ask for help. Avi has become a teacher.