Can't Say it Enough

I feel like such a lucky girl. I wouldn't be anywhere close to where I am today without my family and friends. I walk through this life, and throughout my day and am, many times over, just grateful. From the big, all the way down to the little, all never cease to amaze me.

I want to thank everyone for all of your love, and mostly for all you always say and do in our lives. Most recently...I want to thank you for the support of my dad and his newest venture.

Little to you...big to me.

❤

In answer and response to some of your comments...

Krista

Oh.my.gosh!! May I paint you a picture.

7:01 am. Roll out of bed. Grab my phone (hmm...new comment)

7:01 04 seconds. Beep, Boop, Bop, Bop, Beep, Boop, Bop.
"Dad!!! You've got to get on the computer!!!"

7:01 38 seconds. I was at my computer rewriting the whole first sentence, going over the FAQs, and About Us with a fine tooth comb. My dad was doing the same.

I wholeheartedly agree with you, and was in shock that somehow that happened!
From my dad and I both...we thank you!!

Anonymous

Yes, you've got it! You can put the item in your cart if you'd like, but unfortunately, the price and/or quantity is not held, and is subject to change in the time between when the gift is sent, and the recipient decides if they would like it, or not. Hopefully though, with such a small window of time between, prices and quantities will stay the same.

 Jan R. 

Yes, that is exactly right. He is able to keep the service free for that reason.

***

Thank you again to everyone who has showed an interest, signed up, and given it a try.

I so appreciate you.

My Dad

Hello Everyone!

Many of you know my dad, but I know some of you have only heard of him through my many stories about him ❤ For those whom have never met him...let me take a moment to tell you a little bit about him. He's simply one of the hardest working people I know. Aside from that very admirable characteristic, I'd have to say, my very favorite trait is his ever turning, entrepreneurial mind. I can't get enough of it, and hold it in the highest regard. So much so, that I can safely say what turns the biggest smile is when Dave looks at me, complete with one of my many wide-eyed, quirky, excited, ideas and says, "you're just like your dad!" 

So why does that always elicit the emotion it does? Because my dad is never afraid to take risks! And these risks, well...they happen to be the very things that make me feel most alive. And that's what he's taught me, you sometimes have to put yourself way out there for something you believe in most. My dad never stops reaching, stretching, and challenging himself. Everyone who has created something worth anything was told no, it won't work, that's crazy, you're wasting your time, or something of the sort. The difference is in the people who push past, push through, and push on. My dad is exactly that sort of person, he always has been. 

Well, he's been working on a project that has been two years in the making. In that time, he has stumbled across every imaginable pitfall, but of course, he persevered. I helped the best I could, but you all know what our lives have been...so really, my dad has truly been the one.

eGiftem, as with all websites, will be a constant work in progress, but we finally feel we have it to a fun and usable point. So if you would be so kind, we would truly appreciate if you would sign up and try it for yourself. You don't have to really send any gifts out now, you can just see how it works, then if you decide you want to use it in the future you'll be all ready to go!

I hope you love it, we've definitely had fun working on it together : )

Thank you all!

Love,

Jen 

   

***

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Forever in Our Hearts

Adoption is very much a part of both of our families. For this reason, it was an easy leap when it came down to the pursuing of it, or IVF. The next decision was between a domestic or international adoption. The latter was also a quick and easy choice for us.

With one single trip - the beautiful country, but especially the gracious and giving people of Guatemala became forever sewn into our hearts. After returning home with Aviana, I always knew I wanted to go back and help with the building of homes.

After the accident though, I sometimes have the hardest time simply looking into all those big, beautiful brown, Guatemalan eyes. Something about those eyes - they grab hold, and get me...every time. For this reason, it seems all of my return trip dreams vanished...just as quickly as that little girl I used to know.

The thought of boarding the plane alone makes me feel uneasy. But why? It's just a plane, an inanimate object, a seemingly unsuspecting collection of metal, held together by some nuts and bolts. It's just a fuselage, a few engines - maybe, a couple wings, a mere vehicle used to carry people from here to there. So why the unrest?

For me...that plane, pointing in that direction, possesses so much more. It carries with it the memories of two people, who had finally arrived at the finish line of one very long marathon. They had survived many baby miles, if you will. Two people - one new and exciting chapter plastered all over their obnoxiously, giddy faces.

Long-lost images of the last time, parading round and round...bags so neatly packed, containing perfectly picked, long awaited, and freshly laundered baby clothes - all descending upon that very country. It was a time before the very real reality had set in. I just wasn't sure my heart could handle a twisting and turning of that sort.

I also have visions of all of those smiling, wide eyed, wispy haired, perfectly brown skinned, little Guat Tots running around my legs and feet! Would I be okay? Or would they reduce me to a puddle of tears? I'm not so sure...

This may sound...well, maybe inane to some, but I can't ignore the feelings that arise. If I return to Guatemala, for a brief moment, I will feel a certain something, and sadly, it will look a little like this...I took one of your little ones - I thought I could handle it, I promised you I could, I swore I would keep her safe, give her a better life in America...but I couldn't, and I didn't. You trusted me, and I blew it. 

I'm sorry.

My logical mind knows these things happen. My logical mind knows this was an accident. My logical mind knows there was nothing anyone could have done to prevent this. But for some reason, my illogical, and emotional mind steals the show anytime Aviana's country, and the people I feel have love in their hearts for her are involved. For a short time, I can't help but know that if I go back, I will feel I let them down, and more importantly, that I let her birth mother down.

I say for a brief moment in time, because if my experience with these people was what I think it was - they would understand and they wouldn't for a second think any of these thoughts, just like most kind, loving people wouldn't. 

These feelings are purely generated from a place of my own deep, dark sadness over what has happened to our girl, and they are all within me, because I wouldn't even be seeing any of these people and wouldn't even have to say a word about anything if I didn't want to. All of this definitely arises in conjunction with Guatemala and her birth mother. Understandably so, as they are all tightly woven together.

So why is all of this weighing so heavily on my mind now?

A few years ago, I finally decided Guatemala was all too much for me, for my soul. I adjusted my sails and decided to let the wind blow me in a different direction. I hadn't a clue where I would end up.

Earlier this year, I met with Aviana's neurologist, and he was talking about how he was leaving soon for a trip to Mongolia. He's done this sort of trip for the past 10 years. I asked if he takes volunteers, and he said yes. From then on, I had been thinking about it for next year. I liked the idea of talking to the people who traveled far and wide about the brain, neurological problems, and the evaluations, but honestly - my heart wasn't truly feeling the same connection. So...I wasn't sure what to do.

My next step was to talk to the owner of a local cookie shop here in town. He kindly donated platters to each of the three hospitals for Aviana's Elves. He was one of the most amazing people I have ever talked to! He happens to do international trips as well, so I thought he would be a wealth of good information, and maybe he wouldn't mind if I tagged along!

But then...a really good friend of mine, who's a surgical tech at Kaiser called about a month ago. He told me they asked him to volunteer on a trip next July. He asked me to guess where? I had to blink back the tears, because I knew the answer. Everything was in slow motion, but at the very same time, happening so fast. I was terrified to let the words roll off my tongue as I asked him if I could go? He said the main doctor already knew all about Aviana and me. He has now asked him, and they have taken my passport information and are in the process of seeing if it will be okay to take me along...that is, if I decide to go?

Whenever I think about all of this, the tears always seem to find their way. It's like they go hand in hand. They are a package deal, quite intermingled. I wish to separate them, to split them, to splice them, but I cannot.

I know it will hurt. I know I will cry. I know painful triggers will be looming around every corner, but that's okay - I'll be okay - Better than okay.

I suppose it might be best for me to pick another country, but the fact remains, and always will, this one in particular, and the people within, have my heart. They captured it a long time ago, and never let go. No matter where I go, I will always want to be there...so I have my answer. I already know this will be one of the greatest things I will ever do in my lifetime. 

I'm hoping the fulfillment and gratitude I will feel in helping will push out some of the heartache : ) I want for something else to fill that space within. The way I always see it is....something good always far outweighs something not so good!

The families of Guatemala will be traveling great distances and for multiple different types of surgeries, including cleft palates, etc. These various surgeries will be for the whole families. 

Everything in me wants to do this, needs to do this. For them, for me, for Avi.

What I need, is to step out of my own way, stop thinking, and just do it... 

that is, if they will have me.

Antigua, Guatemala 2007

Oh Avi...That Girl!

What'chu Talkin' 'Bout Willis?

Recent comment ~

Do you realize you wear that striped shirt ALL.THE.TIME????? 

♥♥♥♥♥

I have no idea... 

What...

On earth...

She's talking about???

She is...

Wrong...

Wrong...

Wrong!

How must it feel to be so incredibly wrong?

; )

I love my Cameo though, smack takin' and all!

Lucky

Ever since Aviana came along, my Mom and Gary have always been there for us, to watch her, to take her, to let us do whatever we needed, and whenever. 

After the accident, Aviana's care became much more complex. During this period of time, it was pretty overwhelming for them to care for her, but at times, they did their best to anyway. For example, we weren't able to take her the first week we went to The Institute in Pennsylvania. Aviana had only been home from the hospital 3 months, so that must have been crazy for them!

Over time though, they grew more comfortable, and things fell back into sync. Aviana also grew more stable, and with that, we had the great pleasure of saying goodbye to all of her medical equipment.

This life is hard, but I know if we didn't have my Mom and Gary to help us, it would be a million times harder! They provide us breaks, and breathers anytime we need. And even when we don't need them, we always know they are just a phone call away. That alone is a comfort in itself.

They know how crucially and vitally important it is for us to get out alone together. They always want us to have fun, but most importantly, they want us to get some much needed separation from the magnitude of the difficult parts of what is.

Thank you both.

We love you!

Her Little Cocoon

After Avi's first week of school, she caught a cold. So we went to town, steaming, humidifying, etc, and then...we cocooned her. It worked, because in no time ~ she was feeling better : )

At first though, I was laying in bed with her, reading one of her favorite books, Bear Feels Sick, and then I just pulled the sheet over her head. I figured it would feel better for her to breathe in warm air, rather than cold, right? 

Dave came in shortly thereafter, looked around and asked, "Where's the Meek?" I said, she's under here, and pointed at the sheet. A little concerned about her suffocating (I don't think so!), he scooted me out of the way, quickly surveyed his bedding materials, and then built her her very own fort.

Pie 101

Todd, I mean...Toodles (his baking name), our Copper friend wanted to learn how to make pie. He grew up gathering all the fruit around their property, of which his mom turned into some amazing pies. 

So now, it was his turn, to learn to make the dough, and turn it into his very own pie! 

Smile Todd, it's a rolling pin, not a Billy Club...and don't forget about that girlie apron you're in ; )

That's better.

We met our match, our kindred spirit, as he's as meticulous and tweaky as we are ; )

He's a natural born baker...

He did the most amazing job!

This was his first pie, ever!

You're hired!

Two Girls a Guy and Another Guy Pie?

Two Girls a Guy Pie Plus Some Other Dude?

Two Girls and a Guy Pie Plus an O Toodles Too?

Two Girls a Guy and a Po Po Pie?

No, nobody wants any of that kind of pie ; )

I don't know...

O Toodles...

I couldn't be any more proud!!

We can never make just one!

He freaked my little OCD brain out by throwing the cut outs on in all sorts of random directions, but it all worked out, right?

"Hey, where'd those pies go? I could swear there were two of them here last night??"

Up, Up, And Away

In December of 2009, we met one of the best families at The Institute in Philadelphia. They are the Falcones, and we became the fastest friends ever. 

Sophie and I share a commonality I don't share with many. We have stayed very close throughout the years, and I am so thankful for her. She has definitely helped to get me through this crazy thing called life with not only tears, but laughs, jokes, and downright sick humor. 

As you know, we took our Honeymoon last June, but up until recently, the Falcone Family has still been busting their tails this whole time. We were going to go enjoy as two families, but then decided to go, just the two of us.

The timing was perfect for both of us, she on her break, and me away the weekend before Aviana's birthday. 

Sophie flew up from Manhattan Beach that Friday morning. I picked her up from the airport and we drove straight to Tahoe. We stayed at Squaw Valley that first night.

We went out, and then back to the fire pit to make some S'mores.

Now, if you ask me... that's a whole lotta S'more.

Little did I know, Sophie's a former Girl Scout and knows her way around a campfire. 

It was early on that I found out that this one was not up to marshmallow par, and did not meet prime roasting standards ; )

I was more than thankful she took on the responsibility of my marshmallow too, because Dave wasn't there to man mine. I'm a classic impatient, irresponsible, roaster, and set fire early on to that squishy, little globule of - hurt your teeth, processed mess. Then, I have a terrible habit of sweetly, stealing the patient roasters perfectly toasty goodness.

Can you tell I have a pretty confused relationship with the S'more, and take only a few bites? When I told Sophie about our previous trips up, and my personal thoughts on the 'whole lot of plate commitment for two'...she said, "So what you're trying to say is, you like...S'mless?" Exactly!

Sophie was the perfect fill in not only for me, but for the...I think - seven other campfire cohorts who later joined our Kumbaya. Yes, Sophie led us in a campfire song... and we also fed them from our plate o' plenty. We ended up making the perfect pair - she the roaster, I the assembler ; )

The next day, we went parasailing!

Buh-bye!

I couldn't believe they captured our High 5!

Can you tell this was the high - light of our trip!!

800 ft. up!

My dad loves to annotate pictures, so he got right on this one. 

I love it!!

Dave and I got married outside at a gazebo, down below that building : )

They dipped us...

And then, right back up!

It was so amazingly peaceful up there...

we wanted to stay all day long...

and go all the way around the lake.

Have you ever heard of synchronized parasailing?

We're going to start an Olympic Sport.

What do you think?

: )

As they were pulling us in...

we were so sad!!

Boo Hiss

I went to high school with the guy who owns the parasail company, he gave us an amazing deal, but the best part was...he threw the pictures in. I would never even have thought to get them. I seriously thought they would maybe take 5. They took 84 pictures, we are so thankful to have them!!

We went to the beach after this and floated around on the rafts and then to lunch, but the dreaded headache was definitely making itself comfortable. 

Anytime I go to Tahoe I get a headache, but if I go straight up a Gondola, or up high...it's over. I knew I would pay for going up 800 ft in a matter of seconds. I knew it would cause an instant headache. I thought I could give myself a shot though, and it would go away. I figured then we could get dressed and go out for the night. Not so!

The shot couldn't touch this headache, so Sophie was sweet enough to drive us home that night. 

Despite my stupid head, and inadvertently raising the lake level a few notches with our here and there tears, we had a good weekend together.

 ❤

Days Gone By

A lot has been happening around here! With Aviana starting back to school this week, I finally had some time to go through some pictures from these past couple months : )

This is my oldest brother Jimmy. He's my nephew Ash's dad. He came to visit for a weekend a while ago now.

Although we don't see Jimmy very much, of the times we do, Aviana has always had a very special connection with him throughout her life.

I love him so much.

You may remember Todd Lynn, our constant. Well his favorite pie is Rhubarb. We were going to his house for dinner, so Dave and I made him one. 

I really wanted to try this new lattice top I saw in one of my new recipe books, so I showed Dave and asked, "Do you think we can do this one?" Dave cracks me up, he said..."Whatever my baby wants, my baby gets. My baby wants that lattice, my baby gets that lattice!'

And that I did! We did it!

Todd's wife wanted to take a picture of the pie and I. I said, no way! So Todd, got in the picture...much better. 

You, me, and a pie...

did you notice I found a place to wear my cowboy boots though ; )

My gosh, do I love these people, they had us over, and they are the best ever. They love and care for Avi in a way I barely ever see.

Melts my heart.

Todd, Elaine ~

I love you both to pieces.

❤

We had been looking for a farmer, in order to try and cut Whole Foods out for some of our fruit for our pies...as they are a little pricey. So we found one. We went up there for their 100 year anniversary.

We got some peaches.

I blanched some for the first time in my entire life.

I sliced my finger in the process, but I will spare you the gore.

Made a pie, of course.

That's the one pie I don't care for, but I hear it was good!

But the highlight of my life came not in the form of fruit, or pies...

But in chickens!

I have always wanted a farm and go crazy out of my mind for these guys. So anytime there's a petting zoo involved, I ditch my family. I had taken no short of 32 pictures of these two. Finally, the owner told his son, to...are you ready for this, let me hold one of them!! 

I freaked, and threw all my stuff down. I grabbed my sweetheart and hugged her, and loved her, and squeezed her (she didn't like that) and never wanted to let her go. 

I did however realize I needed a picture with her, to have, and to hold, for the rest of my life. So I put her down, realized I needed that family I abandoned, so I looked around for Dave, Gary, my Mom, Aviana, anyone to take a picture with my girl and me, but no one. So I asked the...I'm not good at kids' ages...9 year old(?) if he could take some pictures of us together? 

I asked him to take a bunch (you know, just in case he didn't know how to use my phone) and he did!

Do I look like a kid in a candy store, or what?

"Chicky, look at the camera!"

I think she either likes my necklace, or wants to eat it?

 I don't know, I don't speak Chicky...just dog, and a little brain injured child.

The missing family all showed up as I was holding, who I later found out to be, Susan. The rooster's name was Hugh Hefner ; ) 

As I looked back at the pictures, I cracked up at this one, with Gary in the background! Anytime I need a pick me up...it's my go to!!

Hey guys! I don't know you, but I love you!

What was that??

Amy and I went to Tahoe for the night.

We grew up on the lake, boating and rafting, so Amy and I decided it was time to float around. We hadn't done that in years! 

We did for hours that day. It was so beautiful, but most of all...peaceful. 

Hey look, matching towels! I swear we didn't plan it ; ) You're right, mine doesn't have my name on it.

The life.

You are so beautiful...

to me.

Avi coughed food onto Rainey.

"Clean up on aisle Avi"

This one was just last night, and I can't stop laughing. Avi didn't cough this one onto the doggy head, but she coughed and I lifted her bib to stop it from flying everywhere and then when I flipped the bib back, this piece somehow ended up stuck in that exact spot on Rainey's head. 

I just about died.

Hazards of Rainey's job ; )

I've been baking up a storm, that is ~ up until about a week ago, or so. Can you believe it? I use baking to deal with grief, but I've been too stricken lately to even bake. What gives?  

Amy and I resumed pie-ing it forward on Tuesday night though - to the tune of 2 Chocolate Creams and an Apple.

Boy did I feel rusty. 

1/2 teaspoon vanilla Jen. 

Va-what?

1/2 teaspoon vanilla

Huh? 

My friend Sara has twin girls and they love reading to Aviana. Books have always been the way to our girl's heart, so it's book central around this place. We went to Sara's house for dinner one night and Avi was especially captivated that particular night. I was eating up every ounce of this moment.

It was truly an amazing, Aviana was actually holding her head up, listening, and so attentive to every word coming out of her mouth. 

They have a way to, and through this heart of mine...every time!

It was someone's birthday recently. Someone really special. My momma bear. The best mom in the entire world. One I wouldn't trade...even for a chicken, or a rooster, or Gary Allan (eek), or a house in Tahoe (aahh)!

Oh mom, you better keep up the good work...there's a lot of great things on the line here.

We grew an assortment of fruit, slaved all night long, and made her a beautiful tart....

no we didn't.

My Uncle Roger brings the most amazing desserts from the best bakery ever for special occasions, and my mom's birthday was no exception. 

Dixie, who we met through our blog came up to visit. It was so nice spending time with her! She was also kind enough to bring a case of pears for us to make Pear Pies with, so we did! Four or five different varieties too! It was crazy! Crazy good, that is.

Amy made this one, isn't it a beauty?

We were on the computer, and turned around to Avi looking like this...

just beautiful, if I do say so myself ; )

A few pictures later, Rainey went in for a smooch,

right after this picture - Avi threw a fit.

Brown Eyed Baker's Rocky Road Bark was calling our name...

much too loud to ignore!

Oh Ray Ray, now maybe Nana and Papa will stop saying,

"Come here boy!"

"Tell him to come here."

"Does he want a treat."

"Tell him to stop licking my lotion."

"He's such a good boy."

Because...

He's not a boy...

He's a girl!!!

I know you say you're old and traumatized.

It's okay *kind of* 

I still love you both.

We went swimming at our awesomest friend's house...The Zuves.

You might remember, they were one of our first stops after we went on our Honeymoon last year : )

Avi was in the pool for, I think about 4 hours.

We finally put her in the spa when it got cold, and she spun around like a record baby. She fell asleep, it was really cute. 

This is what I usually get to see as I come out of the shower. They are too cute.

"Hey mom, what's on the agenda for today?"

My mom has suddenly taken to raiding my nail polish cabinet. I was in Tahoe with my friend Sophie (more to come on that weekend soon) and my mom was watching Aviana. 

I got an email with this subject line: Like? I opened it and saw the above picture. I thought it was hilarious. 

A few days ago, she then showed up with these nails. Yes, she is now buying her own colors. My mom is a big Katy Perry fan, and as she was walking down the walkway, admiring her nails, she said...I feel like Katy Perry.

There are older women who do things like this to try to hold onto their youth, and kind of look a little funny doing it, my mom is not one of them. My mom looks absolutely adorably, cute with her brightly colored nails.

I love them, and I love her.

New toys can be so exhausting!

I've got one question for you Rainey...

are you comfortable?

Well good,

because that's all that matters : )