Up, Up, And Away

In December of 2009, we met one of the best families at The Institute in Philadelphia. They are the Falcones, and we became the fastest friends ever. 

Sophie and I share a commonality I don't share with many. We have stayed very close throughout the years, and I am so thankful for her. She has definitely helped to get me through this crazy thing called life with not only tears, but laughs, jokes, and downright sick humor. 

As you know, we took our Honeymoon last June, but up until recently, the Falcone Family has still been busting their tails this whole time. We were going to go enjoy as two families, but then decided to go, just the two of us.

The timing was perfect for both of us, she on her break, and me away the weekend before Aviana's birthday. 

Sophie flew up from Manhattan Beach that Friday morning. I picked her up from the airport and we drove straight to Tahoe. We stayed at Squaw Valley that first night.

We went out, and then back to the fire pit to make some S'mores.

Now, if you ask me... that's a whole lotta S'more.

Little did I know, Sophie's a former Girl Scout and knows her way around a campfire. 

It was early on that I found out that this one was not up to marshmallow par, and did not meet prime roasting standards ; )

I was more than thankful she took on the responsibility of my marshmallow too, because Dave wasn't there to man mine. I'm a classic impatient, irresponsible, roaster, and set fire early on to that squishy, little globule of - hurt your teeth, processed mess. Then, I have a terrible habit of sweetly, stealing the patient roasters perfectly toasty goodness.

Can you tell I have a pretty confused relationship with the S'more, and take only a few bites? When I told Sophie about our previous trips up, and my personal thoughts on the 'whole lot of plate commitment for two'...she said, "So what you're trying to say is, you like...S'mless?" Exactly!

Sophie was the perfect fill in not only for me, but for the...I think - seven other campfire cohorts who later joined our Kumbaya. Yes, Sophie led us in a campfire song... and we also fed them from our plate o' plenty. We ended up making the perfect pair - she the roaster, I the assembler ; )

The next day, we went parasailing!

Buh-bye!

I couldn't believe they captured our High 5!

Can you tell this was the high - light of our trip!!

800 ft. up!

My dad loves to annotate pictures, so he got right on this one. 

I love it!!

Dave and I got married outside at a gazebo, down below that building : )

They dipped us...

And then, right back up!

It was so amazingly peaceful up there...

we wanted to stay all day long...

and go all the way around the lake.

Have you ever heard of synchronized parasailing?

We're going to start an Olympic Sport.

What do you think?

: )

As they were pulling us in...

we were so sad!!

Boo Hiss

I went to high school with the guy who owns the parasail company, he gave us an amazing deal, but the best part was...he threw the pictures in. I would never even have thought to get them. I seriously thought they would maybe take 5. They took 84 pictures, we are so thankful to have them!!

We went to the beach after this and floated around on the rafts and then to lunch, but the dreaded headache was definitely making itself comfortable. 

Anytime I go to Tahoe I get a headache, but if I go straight up a Gondola, or up high...it's over. I knew I would pay for going up 800 ft in a matter of seconds. I knew it would cause an instant headache. I thought I could give myself a shot though, and it would go away. I figured then we could get dressed and go out for the night. Not so!

The shot couldn't touch this headache, so Sophie was sweet enough to drive us home that night. 

Despite my stupid head, and inadvertently raising the lake level a few notches with our here and there tears, we had a good weekend together.

 ❤

Days Gone By

A lot has been happening around here! With Aviana starting back to school this week, I finally had some time to go through some pictures from these past couple months : )

This is my oldest brother Jimmy. He's my nephew Ash's dad. He came to visit for a weekend a while ago now.

Although we don't see Jimmy very much, of the times we do, Aviana has always had a very special connection with him throughout her life.

I love him so much.

You may remember Todd Lynn, our constant. Well his favorite pie is Rhubarb. We were going to his house for dinner, so Dave and I made him one. 

I really wanted to try this new lattice top I saw in one of my new recipe books, so I showed Dave and asked, "Do you think we can do this one?" Dave cracks me up, he said..."Whatever my baby wants, my baby gets. My baby wants that lattice, my baby gets that lattice!'

And that I did! We did it!

Todd's wife wanted to take a picture of the pie and I. I said, no way! So Todd, got in the picture...much better. 

You, me, and a pie...

did you notice I found a place to wear my cowboy boots though ; )

My gosh, do I love these people, they had us over, and they are the best ever. They love and care for Avi in a way I barely ever see.

Melts my heart.

Todd, Elaine ~

I love you both to pieces.

❤

We had been looking for a farmer, in order to try and cut Whole Foods out for some of our fruit for our pies...as they are a little pricey. So we found one. We went up there for their 100 year anniversary.

We got some peaches.

I blanched some for the first time in my entire life.

I sliced my finger in the process, but I will spare you the gore.

Made a pie, of course.

That's the one pie I don't care for, but I hear it was good!

But the highlight of my life came not in the form of fruit, or pies...

But in chickens!

I have always wanted a farm and go crazy out of my mind for these guys. So anytime there's a petting zoo involved, I ditch my family. I had taken no short of 32 pictures of these two. Finally, the owner told his son, to...are you ready for this, let me hold one of them!! 

I freaked, and threw all my stuff down. I grabbed my sweetheart and hugged her, and loved her, and squeezed her (she didn't like that) and never wanted to let her go. 

I did however realize I needed a picture with her, to have, and to hold, for the rest of my life. So I put her down, realized I needed that family I abandoned, so I looked around for Dave, Gary, my Mom, Aviana, anyone to take a picture with my girl and me, but no one. So I asked the...I'm not good at kids' ages...9 year old(?) if he could take some pictures of us together? 

I asked him to take a bunch (you know, just in case he didn't know how to use my phone) and he did!

Do I look like a kid in a candy store, or what?

"Chicky, look at the camera!"

I think she either likes my necklace, or wants to eat it?

 I don't know, I don't speak Chicky...just dog, and a little brain injured child.

The missing family all showed up as I was holding, who I later found out to be, Susan. The rooster's name was Hugh Hefner ; ) 

As I looked back at the pictures, I cracked up at this one, with Gary in the background! Anytime I need a pick me up...it's my go to!!

Hey guys! I don't know you, but I love you!

What was that??

Amy and I went to Tahoe for the night.

We grew up on the lake, boating and rafting, so Amy and I decided it was time to float around. We hadn't done that in years! 

We did for hours that day. It was so beautiful, but most of all...peaceful. 

Hey look, matching towels! I swear we didn't plan it ; ) You're right, mine doesn't have my name on it.

The life.

You are so beautiful...

to me.

Avi coughed food onto Rainey.

"Clean up on aisle Avi"

This one was just last night, and I can't stop laughing. Avi didn't cough this one onto the doggy head, but she coughed and I lifted her bib to stop it from flying everywhere and then when I flipped the bib back, this piece somehow ended up stuck in that exact spot on Rainey's head. 

I just about died.

Hazards of Rainey's job ; )

I've been baking up a storm, that is ~ up until about a week ago, or so. Can you believe it? I use baking to deal with grief, but I've been too stricken lately to even bake. What gives?  

Amy and I resumed pie-ing it forward on Tuesday night though - to the tune of 2 Chocolate Creams and an Apple.

Boy did I feel rusty. 

1/2 teaspoon vanilla Jen. 

Va-what?

1/2 teaspoon vanilla

Huh? 

My friend Sara has twin girls and they love reading to Aviana. Books have always been the way to our girl's heart, so it's book central around this place. We went to Sara's house for dinner one night and Avi was especially captivated that particular night. I was eating up every ounce of this moment.

It was truly an amazing, Aviana was actually holding her head up, listening, and so attentive to every word coming out of her mouth. 

They have a way to, and through this heart of mine...every time!

It was someone's birthday recently. Someone really special. My momma bear. The best mom in the entire world. One I wouldn't trade...even for a chicken, or a rooster, or Gary Allan (eek), or a house in Tahoe (aahh)!

Oh mom, you better keep up the good work...there's a lot of great things on the line here.

We grew an assortment of fruit, slaved all night long, and made her a beautiful tart....

no we didn't.

My Uncle Roger brings the most amazing desserts from the best bakery ever for special occasions, and my mom's birthday was no exception. 

Dixie, who we met through our blog came up to visit. It was so nice spending time with her! She was also kind enough to bring a case of pears for us to make Pear Pies with, so we did! Four or five different varieties too! It was crazy! Crazy good, that is.

Amy made this one, isn't it a beauty?

We were on the computer, and turned around to Avi looking like this...

just beautiful, if I do say so myself ; )

A few pictures later, Rainey went in for a smooch,

right after this picture - Avi threw a fit.

Brown Eyed Baker's Rocky Road Bark was calling our name...

much too loud to ignore!

Oh Ray Ray, now maybe Nana and Papa will stop saying,

"Come here boy!"

"Tell him to come here."

"Does he want a treat."

"Tell him to stop licking my lotion."

"He's such a good boy."

Because...

He's not a boy...

He's a girl!!!

I know you say you're old and traumatized.

It's okay *kind of* 

I still love you both.

We went swimming at our awesomest friend's house...The Zuves.

You might remember, they were one of our first stops after we went on our Honeymoon last year : )

Avi was in the pool for, I think about 4 hours.

We finally put her in the spa when it got cold, and she spun around like a record baby. She fell asleep, it was really cute. 

This is what I usually get to see as I come out of the shower. They are too cute.

"Hey mom, what's on the agenda for today?"

My mom has suddenly taken to raiding my nail polish cabinet. I was in Tahoe with my friend Sophie (more to come on that weekend soon) and my mom was watching Aviana. 

I got an email with this subject line: Like? I opened it and saw the above picture. I thought it was hilarious. 

A few days ago, she then showed up with these nails. Yes, she is now buying her own colors. My mom is a big Katy Perry fan, and as she was walking down the walkway, admiring her nails, she said...I feel like Katy Perry.

There are older women who do things like this to try to hold onto their youth, and kind of look a little funny doing it, my mom is not one of them. My mom looks absolutely adorably, cute with her brightly colored nails.

I love them, and I love her.

New toys can be so exhausting!

I've got one question for you Rainey...

are you comfortable?

Well good,

because that's all that matters : )

Upside the Head

An internal war is raging.

A difficult duality.

The polarity never ceases to surprise,

And amaze.

It's a place of great contradiction.

The larger the love,

The more the pain.

I'm sure,

This is nothing new.

To some degree,

We all experience this sort of thing,

And at some point in our lives.

In my life,

My love could previously exist,

Without this constant counterbalance.

One that offsets,

And rivals,

My every affection.

Previously,

And to a certain extent,

Love could usually exist,

Devoid of direct pain,

Unless,

And until.

Now,

This love,

My love,

Cannot exist without pain.

Constant pain.

Incessant pain.

Or,

An ache of some sort.

And,

To some varying degree.

Ever.

How could it possibly,

With a child who can't show any happy emotions,

Or do anything,

How can one feel only love,

And not share that space with PAIN?

Especially,

When you had three years of watching the most,

Vibrant,

Vivacious,

Energetic,

Bundle of bliss,

You've ever laid eyes upon?

Can you feel my internal struggle?

My opposition.

It's not a daily predicament,

But more,

Moment by moment.

In this life,

The sails can shift quick.

When I'm holding Aviana,

Things feel right - for the most part.

But I can't hold her all day.

So, when I'm unable to hold her,

But merely walking by,

And she's just sitting,

Staring,

Unable to do,

And as she is,

A war sometimes rages within.

With just one quick glance,

Internal combustion!

A violent fight amongst.

I love you so much!

But, I hate this so much!

How do you watch someone you love,

Go through this,

Every single moment,

Of every single day.

A life stripped away.

How does one make sense of this?

It's not to be made sense of.

It's not to be made sense of.

It's not to be made sense of.

It just is.

So much love,

But yet,

So much pain.

I want to feel only love,

But as hard as I try,

That singular place,

Of love,

Does not exist,

Without pain.

The pain is deep,

And dark.

So dark it sometimes must be covered.

Numbness tends to take over,

For me to -

Maintain,

Function,

Carry on,

For if not,

Every seizure,

And every terrified scream that follows,

And all the drool,

And food spilling forth,

And the rapidly flickering eyes,

From side to side,

And every which way,

And then those other ones,

The ones where the eyes drift,

Ever so slowly,

Up,

Up,

Up,

Until they are into the top of her head.

And I mustn't forget,

Every other of these brain injury related nuances,

As each and every,

Would surely put me over,

And under.

A certain level of nonchalant,

And normalcy,

Must be learned,

Immediately,

In order to survive,

If not thrive.

But it's those moments,

Those glances,

The ones that grab hold,

Shake you silly,

Smack you upside the head.

It's those ones that demand your attention,

As suddenly,

You are no longer allowed to drift freely in the comforts of,

Your haze,

Your daze,

The protective bubble you bounce freely within,

Because in those very seconds,

You are roped into the realness of your reality.

INCESSANT LOVE.

EXCRUCIATING PAIN.

SMACK!

And there you have it -

The contradiction in terms.

M.I.A

Sorry, my body and brain have been consumed in many ways. I didn't mean to be gone so long, but every time I sat down to write ~ I thought...not now, later. 

I have so much to say, but can't seem to get the words out. It's like they all make perfect sense up top, but down here....not so much. Not yet anyway.

As for Gary, the reason I haven't updated is ~ everything came so perfectly full circle. His situation. Our situation with Aviana. The realization that bonked me up side the head one day. The one I have spent entirely too long trying to tell you about. It all came twisting together into a perfectly wrapped little bow. A bow around a package I so desperately wanted to deliver to you in a more beautiful fashion, than what I have been feeling lately.

So I apologize for being gone indefinitely. It was not my intention. Gary, and all of us to some extent and at some point or another, have all been thrown for a loop by this. But he has been high on the anxiety, but doing his best to keep it at bay, as he knows there is not much of anything he can do about it.

Thank you so much though for all of your thoughts for our family. As always, we love and appreciate you! 

I'll try and gather my thoughts soon though and write more. But before I get to that, I hope you don't mind taking a trip into the Birthday Blues with me. I have done the best I have ever done since the accident, but I can outrun no more, whomever they are, they have caught me, and caught me good.

Do you remember those awfully fake looking, sounding, ghoulish creatures in the movie Ghost? It's like when they come to get the bad dude and take him away...well, they got me. I am a drippy mess. I can't stop crying. I cry here. I cry there. I cry everywhere. I don't want Aviana to see me so I leave the room, or cry into her hair, but she knows, because she ends up soaking wet.

"Uh Mama ~ why does it feel like I just got out of the bath?"

o_O

I just have to get through 3 more days.

Isn't it just the saddest thing? That dates don't matter to me all year long, but even if I don't pay any attention to the calendar, my internal subconscious just knows to feel doom and gloom against my will? And how awful, and sad...that my girl's birthday just so happens to be the absolute saddest day of the year for me!!

Y O Y O Y

Papa

My mom called early this morning and told us that Gary had to go to the ER at 2:30 am, as his right side went numb and his speech was slurred. They think he had a Transient Ischemic Attack or a mini stroke. It was hard on each of us to be in the Emergency Room again. Thankfully, he was released later this afternoon though.

We are all shaken up a bit for what this means for now, in the next few days, weeks, months, and so on. If you could please send every good thought you have our way ~ we sure would love and appreciate it.

Thank you.

What If

When we adopted you,

I desperately wanted to bond with you,

To love you,

The way I knew I could.

The way your birth mother deserved for you to be loved.

The way your foster mother deserved for you to be loved.

The way you deserved to be loved.

I tried so hard!

Researching,

Seeking,

Searching,

But at first,

I couldn't.

I finally learned,

You can't make yourself feel something

That's not there.

So I stopped.

And then,

Something funny started happening.

It started happening.

But then,

The unimaginable.

You were gone.

The you we knew.

What I always wanted...

Was taken away.

Through years of infertility,

Adoption,

Waiting,

And waiting some more.

Then bonding,

And bonding some more.

Finally,

It was within my grasp.

You and me,

We were finally meant to be.

We were finally within reach.

But no.

No.

No.

You were gone.

Why now?

That was my very first question?

Why when we had come so far?

I watched you fade,

Further away.

You and me, love.

All we had done,

Was coming undone.

Finally,

In the mass of a mess,

A glimmer.

I took it,

And ran.

As I sat by your bedside,

All I ever wanted,

Appeared.

Like a tidal wave,

All I was missing,

Came flooding.

For you,

You were my girl!

The girl I'd lay my life down for.

The girl I would trade places with.

The girl I'd take the full concrete impact for.

The girl I would endure every single of those nine surgeries for.

As the years passed and you've barely recovered,

My mind has gone through serious transitions.

Many of them, quite possibly my own projections.

She's not happy.

What kind of life is this?

She can't run, jump, smile, play, reach, talk, walk, crawl, interact.

You can't respond in ways we're used to.

To an uninjured person,

You might seem unhappy,

I'm not immune.

You fool me too.

But I'm with you all day long,

So if anyone knows, it should be me right?

So if I truly think about it,

I think you're happy.

Your happiness lies in the simple.

You enjoy being

Held,

Loved,

Snuggled,

Read to,

Laughed with,

Taken on walks,

When we take your hand and pet Rainey,

Or when Nana sings the "kitty song" from The Big Bang Theory,

When Papa goes crazy cakes in your face,

When you lie on Daddy, and the two of you watch the Kings game,

Or when all four of us are in bed on the weekends.

So when I really sit and think,

You're rarely unhappy.

If I look around,

I see everyone else in unhappy, discontent, or depressed moments more often than you.

You're rarely ever discontent, crying, sad, mad, or anything of the sort.

I begin to wonder if we're all the injured ones, after all?

Sweetie, is that why you sometimes look at us as though we're all kinds of crazy?

'Cause we are?

Honey, from the day this accident happened,

You have been one of our greatest teachers.

You are nothing but

Peace,

Joy,

Love,

And Serenity.

You are the model.

We learn so much from you!

I have it all wrong.

I've had it wrong many times over, my love.

For that, I am sorry.

So sorry.

When I saw how extensive your brain damage was,

I wondered why you made it,

And didn't die.

When the program didn't work, after working our asses off,

I went through a long period of time when I was pissed that you were left a few notches above death. Not dead, but not really alive either. Not dead, but unable to do anything!

And after that, when I had to hear for the umpteenth time, from the umpteenth doctor how bad your brain is, yes again, I thought - well why is she here? If her brain is that bad, but yet we have zero recovery...why?

Do you know how bad these fleeting thoughts make me feel?

Bad! I had to get my head shrunk over them. I felt selfish and disgusting for thinking them of you. Sweet you, who's only trying to survive, to live, to be! I was confused, because if I indeed loved you the way I think, then why was I wishing you dead?

Maggy explained these thoughts weren't selfish, and were because it hurts me deeply for us as a family, but mostly for you! For us to see you like this is agonizing, especially because of who you were, and all you could do before. I wanted to set you free, free from this life, as we've had to watch you endure countless surgeries, endless therapy, and a body that's slowly, but surely breaking down. The truth of the matter is - the deterioration and surgeries will continue on with each passing year.

This all made perfect sense. The guilt over these strong feelings subsided, but resurfaced for a moment when it came down to letting you go again this past March. Baby, life can be rough.

But now I have a different view. Don't get me wrong, it's still hard, but I try to look at you in this new light. I'm hoping to God I'm reading you right, that I'm seeing you clearly, and as you see your world?

Honey, I want you to know - I finally know why you are here.

I know why you were spared that day.

I know why you didn't die.

I know why you survived.

I love that you're here.

I don't want you to go anywhere.

I love you so much.

I don't care that you can't do anything.

You do all that you need to.

You are everything you need to be,

And more.

In your short life, you've taught people more than some will ever teach in all their years.

I thank you my little.

You've made me all I ever wanted.

With you, I wasn't proud of who I was before.

What if this never happened?

And you and I walked this whole life together,

Never fully arriving where we are today?

That would've been a far greater tragedy than this ever was.

Because if you died that day in June,

I would have died too.

Because I would never have been able to prove to you,

Or your birth mother,

Or your foster mother,

That I could love you, like you deserve to be loved.