Monday, November 14, 2011

Tug of War

I am stuck in the middle of The Brain Injury Beast and The Grief Monster. They are strong. Often times, I can't decide who is stronger. They are two of the meanest, most relentless, bitches I could ever have found myself lodged between. Lately, they are both happily having their way with me. I try to stay my ground, but sadly I lose my footing and fall on my face. As I struggle to get back up, I can see their faces...it is more than obvious, they find great joy in seeing me stumble.

Being between these two is no easy task and takes everything I've got.  At times, they get really aggressive and ferociously yank me from side to side. The harder I strive for balance, the more they work to knock me off kilter.

I am tired of the fight. I find myself getting weaker by the day. I so desperately need to re-build my strength, but each time they push me down, I find it that much harder to get back up.

For over two years, and at varying degrees, they have worn away at my mind, body and spirit. Right now, these two tyrants have me exactly where they want me. They are suffocating. Their grip is so tight, they cause me to focus on just them and render me nearly blind to all the beauty in my everyday life.

They are so close. Too close. They know I am weak. They can feel me crumbling. My demise is almost palpable to them, so they pull harder, work more. To one, or both, a sweet victory is on the horizon....

or is it?

8 comments:

  1. I pray for you and your family almost every day. I don't know how I would make it through many days without Jesus in my life and your circumstances are much more challenging. I will continue to pray for you. Hang in there.

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  2. I Cannot even imagine what you go through everyday. I know you can't do it ALONE, but with God, you can conquer this! You're all in my prayers :)

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  3. Did you catch the Gabby Gifford story on 20/20? Very inspiring. I loved all the use of music in her therapy. Do you use music therapy?

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  4. I think it's time for a trip to Tahoe OR to a sandy beach where you can just let go for even just a moment or hopefully for a few days.

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  5. After reading your post about giving to the PICU...I am pretty sure that Jen won the battle.

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  6. No, it is easy to see that you will come out the winner. You may not be able to see it because you are too close to the action, but from where I am standing you dominate. Yes, they may seem like they have you flat on your back sometimes, but there is a light and a force in you that is stronger than you can even imagine it to be. That light is burning in your soul and gets brighter everyday without you realizing it. The other two, they don't have a light at all. They have a hole that they are slowly sinking through and little by little they are being pulled away from you. You are strong, you have the internal energy and light that you need to proceed, even if it doesn't feel that way. Even when you are knocked down flat by the other two, your light will never go out. Go ahead, let them have their way with you, all the while knowing your secret. Your inner truth that you WILL survive and in time you WILL be the happy, peaceful person that you want to be.

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  7. as i am reading about the tyrants a song comes to mind.....it's an oldie...but a goodie....and i see so much of you in the lyrics <3

    http://youtu.be/mmifO2sKT7g

    I Am Woman

    -Artist: Helen Reddy from "Helen Reddy's Greatest Hits": EMI ST 11467
    -peak Billboard position # 1 for 1 week in 1972
    -Words and Music by Helen Reddy and Ray Burton


    I am woman, hear me roar
    In numbers too big to ignore
    And I know too much to go back an' pretend
    'cause I've heard it all before
    And I've been down there on the floor
    No one's ever gonna keep me down again

    CHORUS
    Oh yes I am wise
    But it's wisdom born of pain
    Yes, I've paid the price
    But look how much I gained
    If I have to, I can do anything
    I am strong (strong)
    I am invincible (invincible)
    I am woman

    You can bend but never break me
    'cause it only serves to make me
    More determined to achieve my final goal
    And I come back even stronger
    Not a novice any longer
    'cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul

    CHORUS

    I am woman watch me grow
    See me standing toe to toe
    As I spread my lovin' arms across the land
    But I'm still an embryo
    With a long long way to go
    Until I make my brother understand

    Oh yes I am wise
    But it's wisdom born of pain
    Yes, I've paid the price
    But look how much I gained
    If I have to I can face anything
    I am strong (strong)
    I am invincible (invincible)
    I am woman
    Oh, I am woman
    I am invincible
    I am strong

    FADE
    I am woman
    I am invincible
    I am strong
    I am woman


    U R in my thoughts & prayers
    PVs & ((((HUGS)))) coming your way in droves

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  8. I don't know how I missed this. In the movie version, it's a boxing match with you against Mike Tyson and Sugar Ray Leonard....and you're Rocky Balboa and you're victorious. I have no doubt about that!
    Dixie

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