Friday, June 18, 2010

Sweet Sixteen

I want to be 16 again.

Such a strange thing to say, being that I am 34.

You know the way it normally goes....

When you're little, you want to grow up.

When you're 15, you can't wait to be 16.

When you're 16, you've just got to be 18.


When you're 18, twenty~one can't get there fast enough.


That's it!

So why 16?

I want to go back to Tahoe and live with my dad.

I want to feel the absolute thrill of turning up the music and finally driving away.  By myself!

I want to have minimal responsibility.

I want this to be the beginning of the summer of my 16th year.

I want to feel the excitement of working, going to the beach, watching the local bands, and meeting all the wandering tourists.

I want to lie on a pier at night, with my eyes turned up to the sky. I want to stare at a million beautiful stars!

I want to be encircled in giant trees and mountains.

I want to be responsible for myself, and myself only.

I want things to feel fresh and new.

I want to drive away, and not know where I am going to go.

I want to float around on a raft.

I want to be that girl, the one with an endless amount of hopes and dreams.

I want to be her, the one who would never have believed for one second, something so horrific could happen.

I want to drink all night and sleep all day.

I want to hang out on the top deck, BBQ, and overlook the most beautiful lake.

I want to be carefree.

I want to be surrounded in the cool, crisp, perfect Tahoe air.

I want to go camping.

I want to sit around a bon fire, with dirt on my face,  and laugh.

I want to go wakeboarding.

Right at this moment, I feel like I want to be anywhere.

Anywhere, but here.....


  1. Everyone has these moments, even people that have hardly any responsibility. You have so much pressure on you EVERY SINGLE DAY. Your situation is so extraordinary that I try to put myself in your position so that I can find the right words to say to help, but it is impossible. Your days at 16 sound so amazing and carefree! I want to be you at 16 now! They are great memories to have and it gives you somewhere to take a brain vacation. Go there in your thoughts whenever you need to escape. It really will help you calm down and relax. I do it a lot. Hang in there!

  2. So far at 34years I have never wanted to go back. I cannot imagine all that you have been thru and go thru, and even when I do imagine some of it its so overwhelming and I know it doens't even begin to toouch on it, because I can't let myself think that much or I will have too much fear and my child will locked away in bubble wrap, and I know that no way to live either.
    Here is why it is so hard to comment. Like when dealing with infertility for 8 years, all the IVF and all the other crap, know one can actually understant unless they have been thru it, and the others as nice as they are always say things that they shouldn't say, but how could they know. I don't want to be one of those people, I have nothing to say because I am lucky enough to have 3 year old who is healthy and typical, so I feel like to comment at times would seem more irritating to you then positive. I mean how can anyone complain about a crazy little 3 year old when thats what you wish you had. Like people complaining when they are pregnant, I have no tolerance for that, althoughI should why shouldn't they enjoy their naive bliss, its not their fault.
    Just know we do not on any level know what you are going thru but still we think about you and your family all the time and that just makes us more thankful for what we have today.

  3. FINALLY! Something that we aren't alike, haha. I always wanted to be in my 30's. I always looked forward to my 30's. I was so happy when I turned 30 (of course being drunk in Vegas for 4 days didn't hurt either, haha). Even with all the crap I have going on, the fact that I've lost my sister forever, I'm also grateful for my kids and I wouldn't want to go back to my teens or my early 20's. But I totally understand your point of view and wanting to be free and careless.

  4. I know what you mean. I wish I could go back sometimes, too. Ahhh, to be sixteen again!

    When I was sixteen, I had no idea that one day I would experience the pain of seeing my oldest daughter suffer a brain injury. I had no idea what a brain injury was, when I was sixteen. When I was sixteen, I could shut the door to my bedroom and stay there for hours, just listening to the radio, painting my nails, talking on the phone to my BFF. I had no one asking me for a drink, telling me they had to go potty, asking me to drive them somewhere, telling me that the baby has a poopy diaper (again!) or asking me for a snack. At 40, I can rarely, if ever, have just 15 minutes to myself in my room. be sixteen again and have that freedom! To be taken care of -completely- by my parents. To be able to get into my car and just drive away to the mall, to the beach. Life at 40 sure isn't like that.Life at 40 is hard. There are pressures. There is sadness. There are responsibilites. It's not always fun and games, at 40.

    BUT (and there's always a BUT, isn't there?) I still would never go back to sixteen. Because back when I was sixteen...I didn't have my wonderful husband next to me at night, comforting me through the hard times, holding my hand and sharing the ups and downs in life. Back when I was sixteen, I didn't have my nine children who all bring me such joy. Back when I was sixteen, I wasn't a wife and a mother....
    which, when I was sixteen, was all I ever wanted to be! So really, I've arrived at the place that I've always dreamed about. I just never dreamed it would be hard as well as wonderful, you know? We never imagine bad things will happen to us or to those we love so much.

    You are doing an amazing job with all that you are doing for Aviana. It's so hard, I know. It's not just the day of program that is hard. I remember back to our program routine, and now I realize that that was the easy part. Because that was mapped out for me, that was something that I could carry out each day and feel accomplished. The harder part was the emotional part. The sadness. The worries. The doubt. Much harder to deal with.

    Oooops...this is getting too long. Sorry about that. Well, I just wanted to tell you that I can relate to wanting to go back to sixteen because life was much simpler back then. It really was. You've done an amazing job dealing with this first year. Look at all that you have done! You have taken your daughter ALL THE WAY across the United States for therapy! You do this therapy in the home with her every. single. day. You manage to keep a husband and a home, and you are going back to the gym...and you are being a great mommy to your little girl. You are helping her so much by all that you do! As time goes on, and as Avi gets better (and she will continue to get better!) life gets happier. I know that because I lived that. The first few years after the accident were the hardest! Because that was when she could do the least, and that was when my emotions were still so raw. There was so much sadness in those first few years.

    I wish you nothing but peace and happiness, and JOY with your little girl. And those carefree can still have that. On a limited time, of course. Like a weekend away with girl friends, or a weekend away with your hubby, or even a night out here and there. As parents, we can't have "carefree" all the time,... but we can tease ourselves once in a while.

    Hope you have a great week, Jen. Thinking of you, praying for you.


  5. i want to go back further.....i want o be 7 again. i want to lay on the grass in golden gate park and watch the clouds float by

    o want to eat bologna sandwiches at the zoo and then go climbing on the great locomotive engine

    i want to feel like the days are never going to end and feel the rumble of the buses as they roll past my bedroom window in the middle of the night.

    i want to listen to the music see the flowers and hear the laughter as if it all was the first time.

    i want my mom to promise she'd never leave she did when i was seven