Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Range of Emotions

When your mind runs in circles through a broad spectrum of emotions, it makes for an exhausting week!! While on the inside, it feels as though there is a huge magnifying glass suspended over The Institute grounds.

 Every little tiny detail is carefully analyzed and amplified. We well know the reality of our situation, as we live it day in and day out. While inside the walls of this Pennsylvania wonderland, everything is examined, the good, bad and the ugly.

Just a few experienced, on the laundry list of emotions....

Thankfulness~ for being blessed enough to know of The Institutes.

Disgust~ by the steps we will have to take to *hopefully* get this little girl walking again. I feel sick that just under one year ago, she was way beyond her years.

Optimism~ in hopes that she will achieve above and beyond every single persons expectations.

Stress~ thinking of the unrelenting commitment we must make, and renew with every waking morning.

Anxiety~ trying to hang on every single important word The Institute Staff utters. Trying desperately to retain all important information in a brain that doesn't seem to have anymore vacant space.

Sadness~ for how hard we collectively have to work, for how much we all have to give up in order for any sort of recovery.

Happinesss~ that we have the opportunity to work this hard. I would prefer to have way too much, than not enough.

Admiration~ As I sit quietly and glance around the room, I am filled and almost overflowing with the most amazing feeling. I carefully scan each and every family. I am in awe of the sacrafices everyone makes for the love of their child. I am witness to some of the most beautiful, strong, children ever. They have not only survived, but have thrived. I am humbled by a sight, I never in my life thought I would have had the pleasure of experiencing.

This is just a small snapshot of the emotions that were flowing within, without me.

Needless to say, I feel emotionally spent, drained, exhausted, deflated, as though there is nothing left....


  1. I can only imagine what an emotional roller coaster your trip to the Institutes was. I am so amazed at your strength and determination. As I continue this ridiculously easy program, compared to yours...I remind myself each day what you are doing for the love of your child in order for me to continue to do this for mine. Thank you for sharing ALL of it with us. Hugs,

  2. Really I know I can not imagine what it must be like. I know how hard you all have already been working. I know that you will conquer this next stage of Avi's recovery with the same grace and love you have with every other step in this journey. Hugs my friend and we miss you. Sarah Peter and Lily.

  3. Jen - the other day I was hugging on my "guat girl" and you and Aviana came to mind.

    I felt overwhelming guilt that my girl was 'healthy' and yours 'injured'.

    I started just whispering a simple prayer for you and yours, for Aviana's recovery, for your marriage, for your health, for your stress....

    But then I had an over-riding thought. (you can it was God, you can say it was my conscience, you can say it was whatever you want but) the thought was "Yes, but Jen has gotten experience what TRUE love is now".

    So, I'm HAPPY for you. Even envious. YOU know true, unadulterated, unfiltered, unconditional LOVE now .... I think it is a very rare thing these days.

    I still feel my anger towards evil for letting baby girls get injured, for your sacrifices, for your "new" normal ...

    But what a silver lining you get to fold yourself up in. True Love


  4. Blessings to you Jen. I'm so grateful you found IAHP. So grateful that you are brave and strong enough to even try the program. You are giving Avi the greatest gift of all time. You are incredible and I'm in awe of you.