Friday, November 13, 2009

Shattered

We moved to our neighborhood in 2001. A brand new elementary school was built at the end of our street. Even then, when children were not a blip on our radar, I pictured walking our future child up to school and back every day.

Finally, the day was closing in on us. Aviana was to start preschool there on September 8th. Dave was going to take the day off. We were going to walk her together. Instead, we spent September 8th bringing our severely brain injured child home from the hospital after an almost three month stay.

The way I feel at this very moment is as if our dreams were a windshield and some asshole took a gun and blew that windshield out. Each and every shard of broken, cracked, falling glass was a dream we had for Aviana. Each dream, blown to smithereens.

So today, instead of walking my baby girl down to the school at the end of our street, I will drive her to another school. I will carry her in and we will complete an evaluation of the Severe-Multiple Disabilities class.

Can you tell I spent my morning watching old home videos? It never does me any good, but sometimes I just have to see that little girl. I miss her.

12 comments:

  1. It breaks my heart to read your entry. I cannot even begin to imagine the feeling. I am so sorry you are all going through this. I have faith in God and in Avi that she will recover, she may just need more time. God and little ones are amazing and will surprise us time and time again. She has already beat so many odds. I am still praying and cheering from the sidelines. Our prayers are with you, and I am confident that God will return your baby to you as you remember her.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh Jen...I continue to pray for you and Avi daily. I surely understand some of your struggles, but was never given the chance to know Tessa as a child without disabilities. I hope the times that you were able to spend with her and her bright smile help to push you through these hard days. I pray for her complete healing and that the time will come when you look back on these days and can't believe the progress she has made! Hang in there!!!!!!! You and Avi are such amazing warriors!!! I'm always here if you need to talk!
    Amy

    ReplyDelete
  3. Your post is so candid so heartfelt and so real. You have every right to miss the little girl that your daughter was before this tragic accident. I pray that with time you will have new home videos of Avi's progress as she heals that you can find joy in. I can't imagine what you are experiencing. You remain so strong for your daughter. Your courage is incredible. Your honesty reminds me to focus on what's important in life. Thank you for keeping it real. The joy I find in reading your blog is that your daughter is a fighter and from what I've read that sure sounds like "that" little girl you miss so dearly. She's there and I believe she knows you're right behind her every step of the way.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm so sorry. I know there's nothing I can do or say to make ANYTHING even remotely better. I'm here for you and I'm so sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I know you dont know me but i keep up with your blog quite a bit. I have to say that i admire you so much for what you and your family have been through. I will continue to pray for Aviana progress and dont worry one day she will do all the things that God has intended for her. God Bless you all

    ReplyDelete
  6. I also keep up with your blog and admire your courage as well as your honesty. You're doing a great job with Aviana and you're a wonderful mom.

    ReplyDelete
  7. That's a slap in the face. I know it hurts, too. I try to keep in mind that everything has a purpose somehow. Maybe Avi's recovery will inspire her doctors and nurses to keep trying when all hope is lost. Maybe what they have learned will help another child down the road. Maybe, someday, Avi will choose to help families like yours when they are on this path. I know it isn't much consolation, if any, but it helps me keep chugging along when I'd rather give in.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I remember how that felt. The "shoud have beens" are hitting you now. Been there. Now, some 12 years later, that doens't happen so much any more. We have a new normal now and have become used to it, although we fought it every bit of the way. Jen, it's just a process. We miss the "old" them so much that it's almost unbearable at times. Old videos...I couldn't even watch ours until many years later. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know how hard it is, I know the pain. I know the bitterness of it all. How dang unfair it is. I'm here if you need to talk. You have my number :) Hang in there, friend....it's just all a process. As she gets better -- and she will get better -- then life starts to get happier again. It's so, so hard during that first year. But it will get better.

    Thinking of you

    xoxo
    Trina

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh Jen. I'm so sad that your memories make you sad as well as your present life...but it makes sense. I know we have very different situations with our kids, but I have learned(when I was still pregnant) that we mourn the loss of what we thought we were getting, what we may have had, and what we should have now. Every thought, dream, goal we have for our children have to be altered in our minds, and we have to find a new "mindset" that feels like an everyday thing. Once again, remember your feelings are warranted and normal. And, even though you are going through emotional turmoil right now, take a tiny bit of comfort that Avi is not nearly as aware of how different her life is now. She is alive, improving, and by golly she can be in my kinder class in a few years no matter what!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  10. I'm so sorry. I wish there were some magic words to make it all better but there aren't. All I can say is I'm sorry and don't feel bad about allowing yourself a bad day every once in a while, it makes the good ones even better. Keep your chin up!

    ReplyDelete
  11. I have missed reading your posts. I believe you are out of town learning about the opportunities available to Avi, but I am not sure. Just wanted you to know that I check your blog daily and pray for you and Avi. I am Grammy to two Guat. angels. Vicki

    ReplyDelete