Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Too Much

There are moments when it all becomes just too much. Sometimes the magnitude of the situation sets in and I actually start to travel down the path of total destruction.

Yesterday I decided, for a multitude of reasons, to journey down the path of complete devastation. It was a short trip, but a trip nonetheless. I did not intentionally stumble down this trail. It was more like I was being thrown down against my will.

For the past two months, I have diligently worked on getting us dialed in with every possible entity which helps with brain injured children. Yesterday the phone was ringing off the hook. I was setting appointments, putting out fires, just plain running around like a chicken with my head cut off. That’s a disgusting saying and I will never say it again. Ewwww.

Needless to say, I was already on the edge of reasoning from dealing with all of these entities, Kaiser Pharmacy being my all time favorite! The icing on the cake was when I took Aviana for her occupational therapy evaluation. They concluded that she was not ready for this type of therapy. All of our hard work flashed before my eyes. The many hours were at the forefront of my mind. This conclusion made me sad beyond belief. Sad for her. Sad for us. Just plain sad, sad, sad.

As I heard this news, I stared right through the therapist at the children running and jumping on the playground. Their laughs echoed through my head and stabbed through my heart. As I drove away, a Beatles song was playing in my mind like a broken record,

Your lips are moving

I cannot hear

Your voice is soothing

But the words aren't clear

You don't sound different

I've learned the game

I'm looking through you

I felt sick, I wanted to leave, I wanted to run. I usually deal with this type of information so much better. Yesterday was different. Luckily, when I got home I had another meeting. This meeting was with the two very kind ladies who visited Aviana just prior to the accident and had released her from speech therapy.

I had the great pleasure of sitting and answering one hundred questions about Aviana’s current state. The meeting went something like this, no she can’t, no she never has, I’m not sure she understands, I don’t know that she knows that, no, no I don’t think so, yes, yes she has done that, no, I don't know, no, no, I don't know, yes, she did that once, no, no, no, no, no, no,no,no,no, no, no, no, no, no, no,no,no,no!

These meetings can be a little exhausting with a hunk of mind numbing tied in with a whole lot of reality. I usually leave my body (in a sense) for this type of appointment. On this day in particular, this one was different. I was unfortunately present and in complete attendance!!


  1. Hi Jen-

    My name is Tiff. We've not met, but I did want to tell you that you've inspired me with you charisma, grief, and love for your baby girl. You're a true fighter and I truly have empathy for you. I had a tragedy come into my life 3 years ago similar to what you're going through. It is a long road, but a humbling one in fact. May God continue to bless you and your sweet family each and every day. He continues to give me strength to go on, he's never given up on me, he's not about to now. Take care.

  2. Hi Jennifer
    Yes it is me Debby. I think of you guys all the time. I see Avi at preschool though she is not there. I am so saddened by these hard times you and Avi have to endure. We just can't give up hoping and believing in what we can not see. What do I know, I know this so hard for your family and so hard for all of us who love Avi. I miss you all. I hope to see you soon but Jill and I wanted to give you some space because all of this is so overwhelming. Maybe we need to be there more to help you. We love all of you so much.

  3. I'm so sorry. I don't have any words for you. I don't know what to say except I'm here for you and sometimes it DOES get overwhelming, sometimes it DOES look like a huge mountain, sometimes it DOES seem undoable. But that's only sometimes. The majority of the time it ISN'T those things. However, I think it's easier to just give in to those terrible, sad feelings, get them out and then move on rather than fight them and spend so much energy fighting them when they are still there. Just let it out. Then you can pick yourself back up all refreshed and ready to go and attack things again. Huh, I guess DID have words :)

  4. Poor mom! I feel so sorry that you had those emotions so suddenly yesterday. And to believe that she doesn't qualify..LAME!!!! I think you need some wine therapy!!!

  5. Hey Cuz...what I said in my email to you (FB), I meant! And...Speaking of the Beatles...I often think of this song when I'm feeling blue and sometimes feel an overwhelming sense of calmness...I hope it helps you, too.

    When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me,
    speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
    And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me,
    speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

    Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be.
    Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

    And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree,
    there will be an answer, let it be.
    For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,
    there will be an answer. let it be.

    Let it be, let it be, .....

    And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me,
    shine until tomorrow, let it be.
    I wake up to the sound of music, mother Mary comes to me,
    speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

    Let it be, let it be, .....

    (sorry, didn't mean to get all serious on you. =))

  6. I'm so sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed right now. I pray that the progress you see each and everyday will help you get through the tough times.

    On another crazy note...right now I'm feeling like it's too much here, too. I'm stuck in Children's Hospital with my middle daughter Hannah, not the one with the brain injury trying to figure out what is wrong with her. They are thinking juvenile rheumatoid arthritis. My hubby and son are home with H1N1. It's just crazy how much God knows we can handle sometimes! He must think we are crazy awesome women!!!!!

    I'll pray for you if you pray for me!!! :)

    (I should probably have sent you an e-mail with all my craziness.)

    I hope you have a great day!!!

  7. Sorry about how much this is draining you. I am praying peace and endurance for you.

  8. Hi,

    Can I just say I sort of understand. My daughter has all sorts of developmental delays and has been evaluated for speech, OT, PT (this weekend) and special education - she's 20 months old. Hang in there! Remember who you're doing all of this for. Remember each little accomplishment. Also, may I suggest getting her re-evaluated by somebody else? A second opinion couldn't hurt.

    Have a good day TODAY!