Friday, November 20, 2009

Dichotomy of Sorts

I have two children.

Did you know?

Not Aviana and Kama.

Not Zoe and Aviana.

I have Aviana and Aviana.

My first child was a sweet girl, full of spunk and laughter. She exuded life and love. With each step, both spilled forth. Sadly, that pint sized beauty was ripped from me, from us.

In her place, another little girl. She too, is sweet and sassy. We all love her so, but she's much different from my other girl. She's my second daughter. She possesses some distinct characteristics of my first, but very few.

I will love this child also, to be honest, I will love this child more because I'm now a completely different person myself. I did not appreciate my first child. I did not see the absolute beauty of our daily life together. I desperately wanted to, but couldn't achieve what I currently have. I appreciate this new little girl with everything I have and everything I am. I want only the best for her, and will go to the ends of the earth for whatever that may be.

I walk through our home; the walls and shelves are adorned with pictures of our two daughters. I love them both, but the fact remains, they are two completely different people. They share a commonality of what siblings may. You can tell they are related. They look similar. They even act somewhat the same, but that's where the parallel lines end.

Losing a daughter while she's still here is a strange concept to grasp, or explain. Everyday, I have trouble understanding myself.

I will always remember my first child. I will miss her every day for the rest of my life. She will always have a special place in my heart, but sadly, I have no other choice than to mourn her, to grieve for the little one I lost that day.


  1. There are thoughts only tears can express. Thank you for sharing your tears.

  2. You have taught me to not "take advantage" of what I have. I am sorry you had to go through this for me to "get it."

  3. Ugh! I am so mad I just wrote you something very nice and couldn't remember my password and it was erased while I tried to retrieve my password go figure. Well when I come home I will try to remember what I said or most of it and resend it. See Jen this memory stuff happens to everyone. I hate having! We love you guys and you are always in our thoughts and prayers.
    Love you, Becci & Angela

  4. It's okay to miss that little girl. I know I do. It's okay to let yourself grieve that loss, too. You've been through so much in such a short span of time. Give that little sweetheart some hugs and kisses for me. We'll have to set up a time to stop by and say hello soon.

    I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving. For as much pain and sadness that I have seen this year, there as been so many things to be thankful for as well. Avi's strength and determination to fight this is high up there on my list.

  5. Thank you for your post. You put into words what I have felt for a long time. My son was one little boy for the first 1 1/2 years then due to malformed blood vessels in his brain he slowly lost all of his abilities. I couldn't have loved him more, but I do remember longing for the 'old Blake' and grieving the loss of him. About 3 years of age I stopped trying to change Blake, but I just loved him completely for who he was. Yes, we still did therapy, but it was more about doing it for his comfort than anything else. I was able to relax and just love on him for who he was. And snuggling was the best thing we shared. :) Sadly, I lost my precious son at 5 years of age. So now I grieve for both Blakes. Thank you for your honest thoughts. I follow you often and pray often as well. (We have a daughter we also adopted from Guatemala and that is how I found you)

  6. Thank you Jen for sharing this with us. You have such a beautiful way of sharing your thoughts and feelings with us. I'm sorry I don't usually comment on your blog but I just want you to know that my family thinks about you, Dave, Avi all the time. We sing a song for our prayer before every meal and have added Avi to our song. If I ever forget, Lily makes sure to remind me. We are praying that everything will go really well on your trip. Happy Thanksgiving! We love you!
    Love, Sarah (and Jeremiah, Lillian, and Caleb)

  7. I am always here, reading and praying and thinking of you and Avi and some day your dream of Avi saying Mama will come true. I believe it with all my heart and it will be the most wonderful sound. Xoxo

  8. This is a great post. And I know EXACTLY what you mean. You know I do.