Circle of Love

My mind has a memory. As October approached the gears began to shift. With Aviana's refusal gaining steam, so did my thought process. Could this really be happening? Were two going to become one? On that very same day? Would these best friends meet once again in this most inexplicable way? No. How could that be? I've most certainly let my mind wander off into oblivion. With my heart pounding, it was clear - the thought was far too much.

I couldn't shake it though. As Aviana and I sat and stared deeply into each other's eyes, my holdback finally broke. I lowered myself closer to her and whispered, "Baby, is Kama coming back for you? Tell me, are you waiting to join her on the 26th? Is this your plan?"

I always took great comfort in the thought of the two of them being reunited, but this deep down early feeling took hold of me in an unexplainable way. I fully understood the magnitude of just how much extra peace this would bring us. With this vision tucked away, I held Aviana tight and cried - both sad and happy tears.

At the time, the possibility was much too far off in the distance. I wanted to put the very same amount of space between this notion, and the remainder of my brain. I couldn't get my hopes up.

In one of our earliest Hospice meetings, our doctor gave examples of what the very end of life was like. He spoke of some people having visions of their dogs coming back for them. I lost it. The tears weren't the rolling kind, but were of the unstoppable spilling variety. Every thought of just how close these two were flooded my head and heart at the very same time. I had to leave the table for a moment. I could barely breathe, see, speak - anything. This newly colored mental picture, coupled with my previous inkling, all became too much to bear! I was about to collapse. Face meet floor. Floor meet face!

We soon spoke to our Hospice nurse and social worker. In reveling our thoughts about our two girls, it became clear. It seemed like a pipe dream that would likely go up in smoke. We didn't think Aviana could make it that long because she had decided to stop eating altogether.

The days continued on though. Aviana was focused, alert and attentive. We continued in loving her, reading, taking her on walks, to the park, and so forth.

About three days prior to her death, it was apparent - we should never have doubted her. When Aviana sets her mind on something, she accomplishes it. Aviana was always methodical in everything she did. If she was opening a Christmas present, watching cartoons, doing a puzzle, or getting dressed… methodical. She always put great attention and detail into everything. She was the most determined little soul. As you all know, she was tough too. She showed every one of her truest qualities, especially in her last days.

On the morning of the 25th, her 15th day without, she didn't fully wake. We knew she was finally making her transition. She was calm and peaceful, just as she had been the entire time. This was also the very first day we stayed in bed with her. We cycled through her books - all into the night.

Because she doesn't like anyone sleeping with her, we understood the reality of what was to come. We said goodnight to her at about 10:30. We kissed her goodnight, and what we knew was goodbye. It was one of the hardest moments of our entire lives.

At about 1:45am I couldn't take it anymore. I had to check on her. If she had already passed, I couldn't handle the thought of leaving her until morning!! I talked to Dave and he agreed.

I went in and her breathing had changed a little. I crawled into bed with her. I kissed her head, hugged her, and told her she made it! It was the 26th. I knew I wasn't telling her anything she didn't already know. I told her how much we loved her and how proud I was of her. I told her how I've never met anyone like her, and never will. I told her how there was so much I just didn't understand before I met her, but especially before the accident. I explained that I wouldn't trade one moment of the last 4 years for anything. I thanked her for being here and all she had taught me, especially after the accident. I told her I would never stop learning from her, and I would do my best to continue to share her. I tried so hard not to cry as I told her how much we would miss her, but how I would smile as I thought of her and Kama running and playing just as they used to!

I laid with her for a couple more minutes in silence, but I knew, as much I so badly wanted to stay wrapped up with her, I had to leave - for her.

I snuck in there one more time after 2am. A calm came over me. The last thing I said to her was that we were okay. I said it was her time to be with Kama. I told her how much we loved her and kissed her goodnight and goodbye, one last time.

I went in again at about 5:50am and she was gone. Our baby was gone. I didn't cry. I felt an overwhelming peace. I crawled back onto our bed with Dave and slowly woke him up. I whispered to him, "Honey, she's gone."

Our girls were both 7 years old, and joined each other on the very same day - 3 years apart.

Kama Hodder

November 16 ~ October 26

Aviana Hodder

August 16 ~ October 26

Do not weep for me when I no longer dwell

among the wonders of the earth; 

for my larger self is free, 

and my soul rejoices on the other side of pain -

on the other side of darkness.

Do not weep for me, 

for I am a ray of sunshine that touches your skin, 

a tropical breeze upon your face, 

the hush of joy within your heart.

I am the hope in a darkened night. 

And in your hour of need, I will be there to comfort you.

I will share your tears, your joys, your fears,

your disappointments and your triumphs.

Do not weep for me, for I am with you;

I am peace, love, I am a soft wind that caresses the flowers.

I am the calm that follows a raging storm.

I am an autumns leaf that floats among the garden of God,

and I am pure white snow that softly falls upon your hand.

Do not weep for me, for I shall never die,

as long as you remember me…

with a smile and a sigh.

 ~ Joe Fazio - adapted

Costume Change

We had ordered Aviana's costume earlier this month. It had arrived the day everything changed. I opened the box that day and felt such sadness in knowing I needed to send it back. 

In filling out the return form, I was going to spare both the person reading the form, as well as myself in the, 'reason for return' box. At the last minute, and based on the costume we chose for her this year - I changed my mind and wrote, 

"Our daughter is on Hospice and recently took an unexpected turn. She will no longer be needing her costume, because soon our girl will be flying with wings of her own!"

I felt much better as I sealed the box and sent it off.

My gosh…we are both grateful and humbled by every single word you wrote.

Thank you so very much.

❤ ❤ ❤

She's Free

Aviana Reese Hodder

August 16, 2006 ~ October 26, 2013

For you, there'll be no more crying

For you, the sun will be shining

And I feel that when I'm with you

It's alright, I know it's right

To you, I'll give the world

To you, I'll never be cold

'Cause I feel that when I'm with you

It's alright, I know it's right

And the songbirds are singing

Like they know the score

And I love you, I love you, I love you

Like never before

~ Fleetwood Mac

Night Rider

When Aviana took a turn, everything changed. We took her out of school. Dave no longer went to work. We became somewhat stuck like glue. There were a couple days in the beginning where Aviana slept more often than not, but after that, she has been awake most all the time! She stays up until 11 or midnight. Often times, she is up early in the morning. So, we spend all of our time with her. I've written about most things we do. She has been so alert and attentive. Despite the obvious difficulty, it really has been nice. Lately, we've been taking her on walks, and up to the park as well.

For the first six days, I didn't leave the house once. Not because I couldn't, but because I just didn't want to. I wanted to be here every second, if ever she needed me. That's not to say we don't give her space though. We do.

One thing we learned early on is - she absolutely, positively doesn't like when we sleep with her. She doesn't mind if we lay with her at night before bed, or in the morning after she wakes up, but never sleeping with her. It's one of her rules...from the get go. I've got stories from before the accident that would make you laugh, and at the time, made us want to rip our hair out ; ) So...we make sure to let her sleep alone.

After six days, I felt it was time to give her more space, just in case. Even though I didn't want to, I forced myself out the door. Each time, I have this mantra on repeat, "it's about her, not you." You know you're in deep when you grab your brother, go to Target, walk around aimlessly and all you have to show for your trip is a box of Fruity Pebbles and Cookie Crisp. We're talking Target! That's it?! No tiny, little Halloween shirts, and matching leggings. No starry night skirts, perfect for school. I had to slam my eyes shut, just like I will forever.

I am a Night Rider. I go on Night Rides. I leave an hour, to an hour and a half before the stores close. I put my music on blast and crawl into the songs. I have gone three times in the last week, to give her time if she so desires. I walk the stores, for nothing. I talk to Adam, my right hand produce man. I tell him, "I swear, I will be so sad if she dies and I am sitting her at Whole Foods killing time." But the reality is, if that's what she wants, I will find peace in it. I will be fine.

I know the truth, and the truth is a slight slant on that old Stones song - you don't always get what you want, you get what you need. I know she will give me exactly what I need. Somehow, she always does.

You Might Think

Throughout the years following the accident, I contemplated Aviana's actual death many times. I've played the scenario over in my head. The ending I hoped for was always the same. Never wavering, unchanging.

When her time came, I prayed I would walk into her room and she would have gone peacefully in her sleep. If it should happen, this was my secret dream, one I began sharing with family and friends recently. I so desperately wanted this for her, for us. I thought it would be the best and easiest way. I thought it was all I could handle. It makes perfect sense for someone who was formally terrified of death.

Never wavering. Unchanging. That is, until three weeks ago. I thought, "no way, not ever! All these years, I was wrong." All I want...is for her to die in my arms. All I want is for her last breath to be with me, not in her room, by herself, alone. I want for her to be surrounded by Dave, Rainey and me. I want her to be with us.

But it's not about me. It's about Aviana, and we all know she has her own agenda, so we do our best to respect her ❤

Once again, just when I thought I knew...I really never do. That's what keeps this life interesting, right!

Validation

As Aviana began refusing more meals, something else happened. She would pick and choose whom she needed to share her wishes with. It was incredible to see her in action. I told you about when my Mom and Gary came to visit and no matter what they did, she stared straight through them. I didn't tell you the details though. I had told my mom briefly about her refusing, but that night, Gary knew less. I am convinced that Aviana felt she needed to show them her lack of enthusiasm. She was completely fine before they arrived, and became totally despondent and detached the entire time they were over. Once they left, she was fine again. I was beside myself.

I know this girl like the back of my hand. I saw her behave like this many times, in regard to changes I needed to make as well. I know this may sound off the wall to some, some may completely understand what I'm talking about. 

At the time this was happening, I brought it up in one of our Hospice meetings. I then understood it to be a stage of the entire process. I thought it was going to linger and continue to worsen as time went on.

On a subconscious level at first, I began to mirror some of Aviana's actions. I realized I was actually detaching a little from her. It made me sad, but I couldn't help it. I suppose it was a defense mechanism or something of the sort?

An interesting thing happened though. After Aviana showed everyone her needs, and they were validated...the phase was instantly over and thankfully never returned. Once again, I mirrored Aviana and was right back by her side. It was an interesting, and necessary stage - I guess for both of us.  

Purpose

Throughout my life and as far back as I can remember, I've loved a challenge. In every area and arena. Since that day in Guatemala, the day Aviana and my eyes locked, she's been my biggest! If I think about it, I believe it started long before though. Maybe when first realizing we couldn't get pregnant. So really, she'd been a long time coming!

You know that square box you surround yourself in? The one you feel most comfortable? From the day I met Aviana, she took one look, shook her head as if to say, "that's isn't going to work!" and shoved me out. Without warning - I was on the opposite side! From then on - there we were - she and I, live without a net. I had never in my life been to such a place before. I was terrified. She terrified me. All one foot something of her...

Life came fast and furious. 

'Here's your daughter! The one you've been waiting for. The one you always wanted. Now go home and bond; even though she moves a mile a minute and won't let you hold her for more than a second. Oh and by the way, she's super independent, so she won't want help with anything! But, she's incredibly cute, and will love you so much that you'll feel guilty as hell for being unable to bond with her. Good luck back in America, adios amiga!' Of course, no one said that, it's just what was constantly running through my crazy mind. 

That's okay, because this pint sized beauty taught me more about myself than I ever wanted to know at the time. She showed me sides I didn't know existed. Apparently, I had some serious ugly that needed prettying up in the kid department. She showed me who I did and didn't want to be. I wasn't the most patient person before, but she slowly taught me (whether I liked it or not). Together, just the two of us (along with a ton of help from Dave, her Nana and Papa) we were slowly, but surely finding our way.

And just when smoother waters appeared ahead, the accident happened. I didn't know if I had it in me. I wasn't sure if Aviana and I had enough of a foundation built at that time. Everyone knows a house built on a rickety foundation will crumble. The accident was too much for me to comprehend, so I left it to God. I had to trust that He knew better, and would take care of us. Thankfully, He provided. Because as I sat bedside Aviana day and night in the hospital, something happened. The few remaining vacancies I'd previously worried about, well...they were filled. I was more than ready to not only get, but rip, Aviana out of hospital by the time of her release. 

These years haven't been the easiest, and often times - far from it, but with love - all things are possible. I've been there when the love wasn't, and nothing comes easy. Everything feels like a struggle. 

Every single step with Aviana presents its own unique set of challenges, but with each also comes a whole new lesson set. In the very beginning I didn't understand, so I used to fear these types of situations. I began to realize - with Aviana, the road was going to be rough. It twists and turns. Sometimes I don't know if I'm coming or going. It's always wild, but the truth is - I never was the type to like a boring ride anyway. She always makes it worth my while. When we get to the end...we are always so happy to have made it!! We survived, yet again! We made it! We wipe our brow, high five each other and then...that's when the real work starts. The mind work, because our little tour guide doesn't stop at just the ride, oh no.

For those who are paying attention, her entire life has been given for the betterment of those around her. It's up to us if we chose to see, or not. She's here to teach us about what's most important. Kindness, Compassion, Love, Empathy, Courage, Spirituality, Resilience, Grace, The Human Spirit, Appreciation, Community, Good Will, Patience, Acceptance, Generosity, Death, the list goes on...

Oh Avi, I love you so...

Her Protector

When Aviana's in her room, just like Kama was...Rainey is her protector.