Wednesday, March 26, 2014

For the Best

After leaving my mom's house, Dave and I were of the same idea. It would be best for my mom and Gary to go with Roger and Rella on their trip. There wasn't a doubt. In our opinion, the scale was not only tipped, but completely dropped in favor. We realized it would be best for not only them, but for us as well.

Our reasons were many. Because of their guilt, their love and of course, the loss. Because this would be too hard for them to see after all they had witnessed and experienced the day of the accident. Because my mom may be tempted to sneak Aviana a steak, or ten. Because they probably couldn't bear to see her wither away. Because they know my nature, and I would be inclined to divide my attention from Aviana and care for them as well. Because I knew they would be in the perfectly capable and loving hands and arms of my uncle and aunt. Because they desperately needed a change of scenery. Because they needed any and all distractions possible after everything their ears had just heard. And most importantly, because I doubted they were spiritually ready to let Aviana follow her wishes.

It was really important for everyone who was around Aviana during this time to be in a certain place. As hard as it could be, it was vital for Aviana to know we accepted her decision and that it was okay for her to go when she was ready. Aviana was awfully perceptive, so that didn't just mean by us telling her, but really meaning it, and feeling it. As in, our energy towards her.

Now I know this last part wasn't really fair to my mom and Gary, because they didn't have much time in getting used to the idea, but for all the other reasons, I had a feeling it was a good decision anyway.

I called my Uncle Roger first thing Tuesday morning. He said he'd just hung up from a long conversation with my mom. The short of it was they had talked about the two of them still joining in on the trip, but wondered how Dave and I would feel? Relief washed over. We were all separate in thought, yet woven together in what was right for all.

I was soon talking with my mom. She was hesitant, but I could tell it was on our behalf. Deep down we were right there with each other. I reassured her, making sure to tell her all the reasons why it was the best decision. She understood and agreed.

We suggested my mom and Gary meet with Hospice before they left for their trip. The people sent to us were most definitely the best of the best! We knew they would put my mom and Gary at ease. We figured they would feel more comfortable after seeing, talking, and asking every question they had.

My mom and Gary agreed and met with Hospice on Thursday. The meeting was really hard, but good. Gary swayed from slightly hostile at times, to extremely emotional. He was afraid of the timeframe, but leveled out after Beverly gently and calmly explained everything to him. Kudos to her, because I wasn't having any hostility towards my Hospice peeps! He asked a lot of questions and never hesitated in explaining every bit of what Aviana meant to him.

The saddest moments come when he speaks of how it all happened, his involvement, when Aviana went away, and what it's like for every one of us now. There are no words to describe it. I've never experienced tears, guilt and sorrow like his, my mom's, or the two of theirs combined. They are in a world of their own. Tied together...by a day, a moment, and a split second decision. One we all make and have no reason to revisit. One which, more often than not, doesn't have this traumatic an outcome. But on this day, moment, and particular second...it did. And so... many times a day, they are back on that damn street. They don't talk about it often, but during our meeting, they needed to, and did. When they decide to talk, all we can do is hear...and hug them.  We were coming full circle, and they knew it.

After Hospice left, my mom asked if it was okay if her priest came to give Aviana her Last Rites. She said she would feel much better just in case something happened while she was gone on her trip. My mom knows we are spiritual, but not religious. We both said, "Of course."

A few days later her priest arrived and gave Aviana, what I believe is actually now called, "Anointing of the Sick." It was really sad watching my mom, Gary, Aviana and the priest. The priest was a really nice man. We were grateful he came to our house and cared for our family during that time.

My uncle, aunt, mom and Gary were all packing up and getting ready for their trip. They were to leave in just a few days. Even though the core of my family was leaving for 44 days, I felt calm. Everything was finally out and all decisions had been made. Now, I could put all my focus on one and one only - Aviana.

18 comments:

  1. Wow. Just wow. My heart is so heavy understanding the guilt they feel. I just cannot imagine. So glad they decided to go on their trip, it was a perfect decision by all. God bless you all with what you have been through. Your courage is unending.

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    1. Thank you so much. My gosh was I glad too. I wondered endlessly why this trip was falling during this time, but it ended up being the best thing that could have happened. There are no coincidences ; )

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  2. I always want to comment but words, what words can I even say? Please just all take care of eachother, life is not fair.

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    1. Life may not be fair, but it's still good ; ) Just being here means so much...thank you!!

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  3. Thank God for hospice and their caring workers. I am so glad they were able to answer all your Mom & Gary's questions and give them whatever measure of peace they could. I pray healing for them (and you & Dave, too) for the trauma and guilt they have experienced.

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    1. Yes! Thank God for Hospice, everyday and in everyday! Thank you for your continued love and prayers Channe!

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  4. I believe I've read this post three times and pondered what to say because it's far too impactful to just move on and not say something...but what? To me, this day is the culmination in so many ways of what happened on that dark day in June 2009. I think what struck me is that even now, almost 5 years later, you are all still together and you all still love each other. And, you've allowed so many other people into your circle of love. I'm truly honored to be one of those people. I love you...ALL of you.
    Hugs,
    Dixie

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    1. You are right, still together and still love each other...but even more! And yes, you sure are one of the best additions : )

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  5. Everything Dixie said !!
    I keep coming back to read and each time my heart hurts for all of you. I cannot even imagine the sorrow you all went through. Their just cant be a stronger love than the love you had for Aviana,almost feels like a love made especially for her. One of a kind love for a little girl that changed so many, all because of a family like yours :)
    If I ever have to go through what you have, I hope to have someone like you on my team, you're amazing !!
    XOXO
    cindy in nc

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    1. I will be the first one lined up - all ready with my team shirt! But I'm hoping I never have to be ; )

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  6. Hi,
    Although I enjoy reading your post, I just can't understand how anyone can justify allowing a young child to starve. I know it was tough and heartbreaking for all of you, but to think that a brain injured child can make a life changing decision to stop eating is something I just don't agree with. I'm wondering if this was agreed to by doctors as the way you write about it to me is something close to assisted suicide. Not sure how anyone could consciously watch their child starve over the course of weeks. It must be very difficult to live with the decision you made on a daily basis.

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    1. Dear Anon, I'm guessing you do not know Jen and Dave or their family. I'm guessing you never met Aviana or watched her parents care for her. I'm guessing you have not followed Jen's blog for the last few years. If you had, you wouldn't have waited almost 6 months after Avi's death to make your unkind, uninformed and hurtful comments.
      Dixie

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    2. I love you Dixie. Thank you. ❤

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  7. Anon, far from encouraging comment! You don't have to understand anything, Aviana did NOT starve to her passing, Aviana refused to eat.
    Close to assisted suicide? NO, assisted suicide is just that, a person has to make a conscious decision to end their life , in other words kill themselves and assisted is when someone helps them.It is planned.
    Aviana did NOT plan to stop eating.
    Your post is cruel and far from encouraging. I hope Jen takes it down ,she didn't ask for how you feel about assisted suicide she asks for encouraging comments. You've got me angry and SAD to even come here and make your cruel comments. GO AWAY!!
    Cindy in nc

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    1. oh, and enjoy reading her post? What do you enjoy? How you will give your cruel opinions? GO AWAY!!

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    2. Hi Cindy! I had to write and run earlier. Thank you so much for once again protecting us! My gosh, I know who's got our back ; ) We honestly didn't mind though, and actually expected way more of these sort of comments when initially posting about it. No matter how many times I say it, many refuse to believe Aviana knew far more than she did. I know you understand that. It's okay if they refuse to believe because all became right in our world and that's all that matters : )

      I've been meaning to write you back about your other comments, I will soon. I really appreciate your love Cindy!!

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  8. Good grief. Hiding behind the anonymity of the internet to make comments like that is disgusting. Does it make YOU sleep better at night to talk to grieving parents like that? Go away, nasty little troll.

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    1. Thank you Jillian. Thank you for loving us from the very first day, and all the way through...

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