Monday, March 17, 2014

Handle With Care

Most things are all mine to tell, some are not. Some things take time and permission. Not only time in waiting, but the courage to finally ask for permission. Some of the topics I write about are so incredibly sensitive. This particular one is no exception.

My mom has always had a love/hate relationship with my blog. Hate is too strong of a word, maybe dislike is better. The latter stems from a few things. She's of a certain belief, and doesn't think I should share nearly as much as I do. I also write some very painful posts about the one she loves more than anything. I can't count the times I've told her not to read. But my statement is always followed with an emphatic, "I have to!" That one's a glutton! For sure. I swear she reads with one eye closed - all the while, bracing herself. She recently told me she learned to never read at night. She now knows she won't sleep if she does. Her new and improved strategy - she reads in the morning. That way, she has a full day to process. 

While those who know us personally are familiar with almost everything towards the end, everyone else is missing one small piece. I've felt this piece is very important. I suppose my mom does too, because she immediately agreed when asked if it was okay for me to post about. I wanted to share with you all along, but everything was so unknown and heightened at the time, I thought it best we just get through and see how we all felt at a later date. 

It's going to take some time and just a couple posts for me to unfold. I'm sorry. I can't stand when people do that. You know - say something but don't actually say it all right away. Other than one super sized post (and I so don't want to do that!) I can't see any other way...


It's one thing to have to hear the words, internalize, process and do what you must with them for yourselves. It's a whole other when deciding the release of those all too delicate words to others. Every detail of not only when, how, and where, but also with which words must be carefully planned in hopes of minimally shredding, already shredded hearts. A tall order indeed. 

Since the day of the accident, I have especially taken it upon myself to always protect my Mom and Gary. An attempt to guard their hearts. To at least try to soften each blow. As we can only imagine, they carry an astronomical amount of guilt over all that happened. Try as we might in asking them to release any - they never will. 

We were all on the same page in regard to the trajectory of Aviana's life, but the actual conversations were always difficult. It's hard to love someone so much and then voluntarily and actively have conversations about letting them go. Even when you know it's right. I'm sure there are many out there who have been in similar shoes and can relate. Ugh, I'm sorry to anyone who can relate!! 

My mom always wanted to accompany me/us to all of Aviana's appointments. The one with her new pediatrician was without exception. I made sure to prepare her, in advance, and all about Palliative Care. I explained this particular appointment was going to lead to a request. 

I had asked my mom if she could take Aviana out of the office when the time came because I wasn't ready for little ears to hear talk of it yet. My mom happily agreed, as I don't think she was quite ready either.

As you may remember, in our actual Palliative appointment, we soon learned of our feeding option.

At this point, I realized not only was I trying to protect my mom, but was honestly afraid of her reaction to the feeding issue. You may remember, her world revolves around feeding people. It's one way she shows her love and affection. For this reason, amongst others of my own, I initially felt sick from this appointment.  

From this point on, we tried to keep things general and avoid overly detailed descriptions when it came to my Mom and Gary. As in - I would research, we would continue going to appointments, but above all, we wanted to make sure it was something that would come about. Once we knew, we had some serious decisions to make about telling my Mom and Gary. There were still quite a few obstacles up ahead

The difficult part was, I tell my mom pretty much everything! And all who know me know I share pretty much everything. This was weighing heavenly on my mind and just about ate me alive. I couldn't let it out though. At the time, I knew I was safeguarding all of us. I felt it was in our best interest to withhold. 

But gosh, I can't tell you how many times I waffled a day. But at the end of the question, and deep down, I always felt I was doing the right thing.

Thankfully I had so many others to talk to, and help me through in the meantime. There are not enough words in every language to express how grateful I am to everyone who stood by me during that time. I'm a lucky girl. 

Aviana is and was everything. I needed to be really careful with how I handled every aspect...especially with how this all began, and how it could potentially end. 


  1. I pray someday that your mom and Gary don't feel guilty. Unfortunately they were at the wrong place at the wrong time. It could of happened to anyone. They where such great grandparents to Ariana and she knew that. I would love Madelin to have grandparents like that and spend as much time with her as they did with Aviana. Take your time posting. But not to much time because I miss when you don't post ;)

    1. I agree with all. My gosh, I have never in my life seen any better grandparents. I used to love watching them. They were three peas in a pod. It makes me cry just thinking about them. I've never seen them smile or their eyes light up the same since. The lights went out all the way around that day on the street.

      I wish every child had grandparents like them, and was just so sad it was for such a short period of time. It's like a dagger to see other grandparents with their grandchildren sometimes. But, that just wasn't meant to be for our family.

      I love the name Madelin ❤

    2. Thank you Jen, Madelins birthmother named her Madelin. We where going to change her name to Sophia but one day well I was waiting for her to come home I kept looking at her name and I realized that if you scramble the words that it spelled my name (Melinda) that's when I knew she was meant to be mine!! Was Aviana your mom and Gregs only grandchild? I know you had a brother. I was not sure if Gary had any kids. You are such a great writer. You should think of writing a book someday. Mindy

    3. Wow! That is amazing. If that's not a sign I don't know what is : )

      Yes, Aviana was their only grandchild. I have two half brothers and one full brother which is my mom's son. Gary doesn't have any kids of his own, and my full brother doesn't have any kids either.

      Thank you so much for your compliment about my writing. I really appreciate it. I'm actually starting a book about Aviana right now.

  2. I love your mom and my heart has gone out to her (and Gary) since I met you. Hers is a heavy load to carry and when I try to imagine how she feels, I know I would carry it with me on some level forever. You have done a masterful job of being there for each other. I love and admire you both so much!

    1. Thank you Dixie. You are one of the kindest souls I know. I love you and thank you for loving our family so.

  3. I have had your mom and Gary in my thoughts and prayers as much as I have you, your husband, and Avi. You know I have two precious granddaughters from Guat. Elia is now 11, and Ava is now 9. About 8 years ago I was holding Ava on their driveway. I tripped (I do have MS, but I am doing well) and dropped her. It broke her leg. I did not think I would ever get over it. She was in a cast and recovered nicely, of course. So when I think about your parents, I truly cannot imagine how difficult this has been for them. Accidents happen every day, but I know how heartbreaking it was to simply be involved in the accident that only broke a leg. I pray for healing and peace for all of you. Continue sharing. Love and Blessings, Vicki from Memphis

    1. Hi Vicki ~

      I am so sorry for what happened with Ava, but am so grateful she recovered! You are so right in saying accidents happen everyday. Those who can't see it, just don't recognize their own shortcomings, or how lucky they have been, or that it can happen to them.

      I am saving a story of my own for a soon upcoming post. Thank you so very much for sharing yours. Thank you also for always keeping my mom and Gary in your thoughts and prayers as well!

      ❤ ❤ ❤

  4. I love you so much and your mom too. I can't imagine what you go through hurting not just from your pain but also wanting to protect them and knowing you can't. And I can't imagine what they go through. You know what end of the stick I think you all got :) :) (sad attempt at emoji).

    I love you all and I'm so proud of you for being so open and honest with every aspect of your life and being TRUTHFUL.

    1. Hmmmm...I have this funny little feeling you can, imagine hurting from your own pain, but also wanting to protect them and knowing you can't. Can't you?!?

      Sad attempt at an emoji, for sure!

      Thank you, thank you, thank you.

  5. You put so much thought and care into how your decisions and words effect those around you. That is an admirable quality. You are a very compassionate person; I wish more people were like that. Your mama raised you right. You are both so fortunate to have each other.

  6. Awww...thank you Channe. You are so very sweet. I feel so very fortunate to have my mom, everyday : )