Friday, March 21, 2014

To Know

As I wavered, a definitive two stood out. I talked to one of my best friends, Jen. I explained everything. She listened to every word of my plight. We continued to talk, and then if my memory serves me correctly, she internalized everything and called me back not too long later. She said she thought I should tell my mom, and let her make the decision whether she wanted to spend the days of her trip with Aviana, or not - whether she wanted to be holding her for her last days, or not. She said if it were her own family, she felt she would make the same decision. She carefully, and lovingly laid out every single reason why. Hearing her voice, and every word was exactly what I needed. 

The reason is - we have the exact same relationship with our moms, and our moms have the exact same relationship with their grandchildren. I have always admired and trusted Jen's opinions. She is always looking from every angle - love, logic, and everything in between. She's also one who's concise, which is really nice. For the first time, my head felt almost straight in this area. 

I then talked to my friend Christie, and she also confirmed - if she were my mom, she would definitely want to know. I held onto her words as well.

No doubt about it, we are surrounded by some of the best people this world has to offer.  

We were soon on our way to Tahoe for the weekend. All I really wanted was to relax and enjoy spending some time with my dad, Dave, Aviana, and Rainey, but I knew there were more thoughts to think and decisions to make. 

I remember exhaustion covering every square inch of my body. No matter how much I wanted to, I couldn't repeat one word of what my ears had heard on the way. All I could do was sit and take in the sights and sounds on our accent into the mountains. I distinctly remember the amount of energy it took to finally send a small and simple message to my friend Jen, asking if she could either call Dave, or somehow relay what she had previously said to me on the phone. I was afraid my lack of energy would get in the way of my ability to properly convey every detail, or that I might forget something.

The next morning, we were lying in bed. I handed Dave my phone so he could read the perfectly crafted email from Jen. It all made sense. We knew she was right. Deep down, I believe I knew for awhile. I may have been too in it and also running scared. I really needed to hear it fully. Jen made the spinning stop. She calmed me and provided a renewed focus.

Thank you Jen. I love you.


But now, we were left with when, and how.

One of my very favorite pictures on one of our very last trips to Tahoe with Aviana.


  1. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry yu had this weighing on you. I'm so sorry you had to deal with this too. I'm so sorry for the accident. I'm so very, very glad you had someone that could help you in addition to Dave. I love you so very much.

  2. My heart is just hurting for you in this post, and yet thankful it does because it draws me closer to what you went through :( You had to have been so consumed with all of it,and at the same time take care of that precious little angel. I'm happy you had people around you to help you "think", and I'm so amazed how you did everything possible to do things to try and have Aviana be in places that were tranquil . But still how hard it had to be. You're one of a kind. Believe it! And you are loved!
    cindy in nc

  3. So many decisions, I can't imagine how you sorted through it all. It is wonderful that you have such wise & steady friends who will give you their honest opinions. That is a beautiful picture of Dave & Avi; I can almost hear the water. Love you all!