How?

My reasoning for keeping things general when it came to my mom and Gary was many-sided: to protect, to carefully work through the feeding issues with my mom, but there was another. And in the later months, it trumped all. My uncle and aunt had planned an entire trip to Europe with my mom and Gary in mind. While my aunt and uncle travel constantly - my mom and Gary almost never go anywhere. This was to be their first trip to Europe - my uncle and aunt were looking forward to being their tour guides. The trip had been in the works for a very long time, and as the weeks progressed, this say, 21 day trip somehow ended on a 44 day adventure!

***

As the calendar counted, we moved along. Exhausting all viable options, even blending Aviana's food and feeding it to her through a sippy cup. As with all things, the novelty was wearing thin. I began to grow more anxious by the day. 

The research was finished. I had spent months assessing Aviana, and my findings were true and just. My eyes, ears, brain, and especially heart had not deceived. Dave and I were a united front. Our meetings were full steam ahead. My talks with God, Uncle Roger, Aviana, and myself were all in unison. I knew full well the direction we were heading. I understood what this meant.

I started off slow - one here, some there. I began dropping hints to my mom. We had some really good conversations about Aviana and her feeding issues. I made sure to always note that the problem was intensifying. My mom suggested we simply put the tube back - an understandable solution at this juncture. After all, we were so many years into this all too status quo of a life.

I took one look at Aviana on the couch, took a deep breath, and drew every bit of strength I needed to continue. I can't lie though. With the sound of my mom's voice on the other end, the butterflies were flapping about, my voice doing its best to steady itself. I first took the opportunity to once again refresh her on our stance as a family. She came back with her best to understand what that meant, but I could tell, she was scared and some denial started to creep in and possibly take over.

How could I blame her? When needed, we have all jumped to what works for us. We all use our own unique strategies in order to deal with such a tragic situation. She then told me, "We need to try harder to feed her. Bring her to my house. I'll feed her, even if it takes hours. I have the patience." I wanted to cry, but I didn't, that is - until after I got off the phone. I gently explained it wasn't about that. Soon after, the subject was changed and shortly thereafter, she made it clear she wanted to call it a conversation. That was good enough for me. Baby steps.

As Aviana's refusal over meals was picking up the pace, my baby steps turned to leaps of reality (or so I thought). One time my mom finally came straight out and asked, "So are you telling me she's going to die?" My answer back was delicate and through tears, "yes." In retrospect, I really thought we were making much more progress than we actually were. I now understand that two people can really be coming from two completely different places and thinking two completely different things. All along, I thought she knew more of what I was saying - that it would be soon. And she thought it was off sometime in the distant future. I could see her point of view. Honestly, you have to say what you mean, and mean what you say!

Everything was mounting, one atop the other. My family was to leave on October 7th. October 7th!! So with the unbelievable timing of Aviana suddenly hanging in the balance, panic started to set in for me. I didn't know what to do. I had no idea at the time how this would all work. I felt as stuck as stuck could be. Do I tell my mom and Gary and destroy the trip they had planned for such a long time with my uncle and aunt? This was to be the trip of their lifetime! And after everything they'd been through, I couldn't think of anyone who deserved it more. They were all looking forward to it. Actually my mom was a little nervous, but still. For me to take this away felt wrong on every level. But would they prefer to stay and spend that time with Aviana? Or maybe after everything they'd been through with the accident, they couldn't? Should I tell them and let it weigh heavily for their entire trip? Do I go against Aviana, and continue to force-feed her until they get back? Then once they got back, we would give them time with her, and continue on? Gosh, we've been force-feeding her for years, what's another 44 days for them to have their trip? At this point it just felt wrong though, because once you know, you can't unknow. To force Aviana to eat one more day felt awful! I felt like I was between a rock and a hard place every.single.day. My head was about to blow off from the added stress.

More than thinking about the trip, I was worried about my mom and Gary's mental state. What is the best way for them to go about losing their granddaughter - the love of their life - for the second time! Should they be here, or there? Should they know now, or later? Is it best for them to be in another country, or not? Are they going to want to be holding her and watching her die, or not? Gosh darn it!! Should I have just told them everything from the beginning and let them decide? They are adults! Why am I trying to control this whole situation? I thought I was over control issues : / Oh yes, to protect them from pain. But, I might die from this myself! After all they've been through will they survive this? Or will this be the end of them. Will the feeding thing push my mom over the edge? Will it be the final nail in her coffin? I felt I could somehow have it both ways, but how? I would wrack my brain by day, and night. I had the whole Aviana element all worked out, so somehow, someway - I could work this out too. I was torn every which way and everyday. Most everyone had a different opinion, or could see both sides on the matter as well. It was insane.

Typing this right now feels insane. I just wanted to make it all okay - to take any sort of pain I could, but I now realize, there was nothing I could do. The pain is the pain, the hurt is the hurt and it sucks all the same - no matter how you try and shelter or control it for someone else. 

All I do know is I continuously swirled the same questions round and round, "What are the odds of the timing of this trip?? They never go away!! Can you believe this?!?" Had it not been for the trip, everything would have just come naturally.

To be continued...