Monday, January 7, 2013

Clutter Brain

I ended the year with so much to say, but for reasons - not aloud. A deafening silence. My top was ready to pop, yet nothing. That is, with the exception of long filled days at the click clack. For what seemed like three days straight, a river of words was forcefully flowing from my fingers. An overall good month with, yet a hundred tiny, little, daggers of well intentioned, innocent, instances which by year end left me - exhausted emotionally.

So...I did what I know works best for me, and that is - to sit down and write. And sometimes it happens, and happened it did. I could tell what I was writing was for my own keeping. Because as easily as it usually is for me to take these letters and make words, and put the words into simple sentences, and those sentences into working paragraphs, and for those paragraphs to then be stacked upon each other into a nice, neat, hopefully coherent story - try as I might, or might not have, I couldn't twist or turn anything into anything. It was clear, I had been writing from the clutter brain. 

And just like that, I could write no more. I wanted nothing to do with the revisiting or writing of any of it. I was done. For my eyes only.

And now, days later, six blog posts, as I look back on those prior words, they are all still true. I still understand every keystroke and space within. They still have every bit of significance. I own them. But with time, and distance, perception and perspective...they have lost their steam. And for that I am grateful. 

Aviana and her injury felt more tangible than ever this holiday season, for many reasons. But, if I'm being honest, it wasn't that we walked through this whole month feeling sad, not at all. We feel very blessed as a family, but sometimes, there is a deep loss and what is beyond all those blessings. When we are with Aviana, spending days on end, not just a snapshot, or a moment in time...there especially, is where it all becomes very real and very raw.

And as I stand, feet stuck in that rawness, I sometimes start to question...three and a half years? Shouldn't I be past this? Shouldn't I be better? Shouldn't this not hurt so much? With everything else, I am much better. And with her, not as much. When I look at her, shouldn't I be able to spin this right, too? Well, the answer is a big, glaring, no! Not every time. This one comes with the healthiest and heartiest dose of pain. Flashes of it are served up often. Yes, thank God, so is the cuteness, sweetness, and appreciation. And I understand, and accept it. 

I have to get better though at not trivializing such a thing as putting my grief on any sort of timetable. What we lost is very real, and what we are dealing with is difficult, especially during the holidays. I also work hard to face it, to walk through it, which feels even worse, but I have to, because I know full well where I will end up if I don't - and that is further down...rather than just passing through.

I have discovered that grief is an unwanted gift that keeps on giving. 

I have never been so happy to see the holiday season be over and done with. I won't say we didn't enjoy Christmas though, the pictures will surely show that we did! But come the 26th, I had every single shred of the season gone baby gone!

You'll see in the coming New Year's pictures, (because I am going to post way more than I should) that I was one happy camper to say goodbye to the end of December!!

I hope you are all enjoying this New Year so far.


  1. I am glad that the year is over for you. I am sorry that you guys have such a difficult journey. Your year has been extremely tough, emotional, and hard.
    I want to remind you of your breakthrough this past year with yourself though. Do not forget the significance of how you have dealt with your life this past year. You may not see it all of the time, but you are mentally better. Even if it is just a little bit and it comes and goes. You are experiencing life more of the way it should be, used to be. Every year should be a betterment (is that a word?) of yourself, and you truly did accomplish that. More than me, more than most. You should be proud of yourself this past year, I am.

  2. Hi My Friend,

    I know I've been off the radar for a bit, it's been a rough couple of months. This posting made me think of a quote that I have been referring to the last couple of months and well, since you are the QUEEN of quotes, I thought you'd appreciate it:

    "I do not think there is any other quality so essential to success of any kind as the quality of perseverance. It overcomes almost everything, even nature." - John D. Rockefeller

    Or as good ole Joe Dirt would say "Keep on Keeping on"

    What you have had to deal with / are dealing with is beyond difficult. But I am so proud of you for continuing to try to see the light, the positive and express how you feel. You arer an inspiration girl!

    Love and Hugs,

  3. Sorry I am just now stopping by since the holidays. Love you all!