Monday, January 23, 2012

Wind of Change

I suppose I had to walk through the dark, to get to the light. Being enclosed in the pitch black, even if only for small bits of time, caused me to completely lose my way. Even in happy times with Aviana, there were always clouds looming overhead. I think there will always be some above, even on the sunniest of days, but hopefully nothing even close to the storm of this past year.

It took endless tears and never ending heartache, but I can safely say ~ you can now find me on the other side again. This isn't to say a slight crumble won't occur at the speak of a birthday party, or that I won't be brought down to my knees here and there, and over this or that. I will hurt for the rest of my days, no doubt about it. There will never be a time where I don't feel the sting of losing a child. But not only just losing a child, but also living the rest of my life with what happened staring right back at me. There is however a big difference now though. The valleys don't feel quite so low. Through them, I feel more level, more even. I now have the ability to pick myself up rather quickly.

I've been waiting quite some time to write about this. I suppose there's a part of me that believes in jinxing, and I sure didn't want this very important aspect to fall victim to that sort of trickery ; )

As I'm sure you could tell, I was falling all over myself last year. Slipping here, sliding there. Tripping on this, stumbling on that. Why? Well, the time I most feared ~ arrived.  Not only did it appear, but it materialized with what felt like a vengeance.

If my mixology skills are up to par, I will attempt to explain the drink I drank.

Built in a once large, warm hearted, glass. Fill partially, with the trauma of a major accident. Then, add large amounts of grieving the child we worked so hard to have, and then lost that day. Ferociously muddle in working your fingers to the bone. Next, forcibly infuse the drink with having to accept what is. While mixing all of the above, you may as well add a whole lot few squeezes of dealing with the wide range of others' guilt ridden emotions. Once the main ingredients are added, cover and shake vigorously. You want all the elements to be swirling in and around each other. Your goal is simple ~ to have not a clue as to where one begins or the other ends. A perfect miss mash of everything. Whatever you do, don’t forget to float the top with losing your best friend in the whole wide world. Now, here’s where the fun begins, light that baby up, watch it burn, and drink it down!

That my friends, was my signature "cocktail of death," with the added bonus of it not killing you! Sound like a great Friday night?!

Truth is, we were flying high on hope the first two years. Once we came to the point of having to accept what will be, I hit a wall. But, I not only hit it, I smashed into it with everything I've got! It's no secret that I carry with me a heavy load of grief. It truly has taken me some time to let much of it go. For whatever reason, I guess I wasn't opened to putting it down, that is until recently.

I can actually pinpoint the exact beginnings of change. It all started with Aviana's Elves. With your help, I slowly began to transform. As your momentum gained, mine did too. While helping others, you may, or may not have known you were throwing me the lifeline I so desperately needed. I grabbed on, and it was you who pulled me up and out of the depths I had become all too comfortable in. I thank you.

I feel a whole new energy field. A calm like I haven't experienced since the accident. A peace I never thought possible. Since the beginning of December, I have felt like a completely different person. With the help of some of my old roots (which I will talk about in the another post), I'm back. Most importantly, I am enjoying Aviana for who she is, and not for what she may, or may not ever be or do. That's what it's all about, and that is exactly what I couldn't peacefully come to terms with last year.

I know there will be difficult times ahead, and of course more tears shed, my gosh ~ how could there not be, but I am hoping and praying to stay clear and on this great course.


  1. Wow, you are amazing. You inspire me... as a woman, a wife, a mom, and a "sojourner" through the landscape of grief and joy (I know that sounds cheesy, but it's true!). So glad you are finding peace.. Can't wait to hear more about this in future posts.

  2. Oh Jen, for real? Peace. Peace is all I have ever wanted for you, because I knew with peace comes a life. A good life that you so desperately deserve. I am beyond, beyond happy for you and your new found state. You are so strong and have come so far on your journey. I admire you so much. Thank you for posting this, it gives me some peace to know that you have some peace. :) Sending you big happy hugs and love!!

  3. What a wonderful post to read, Jen. I'm so thankful you are experiencing this peace in your life. And what a wonderful way for much of it to come about...Aviana's Elves. You did a beautiful, challenging thing by collecting all the gifts, making and wrapping boxes, delivering them to hospitals. I do know that God blesses us when we reach out to others, and in your efforts, you were able to step outside your situation, pain, and grief for a time.

    As you say, there will surely be days or moments that are difficult. Your lives certainly do have challenges most of us never face in our days. But I pray that God will continue to heal your own hearts, as Avianna continues to heal and grow.

    Nancy in the Midwest

  4. I wish I had the right words....big enough words. I know it takes time to get from where you were to where you are. I am very, very happy for you and I hope the sun shines on you forever. I will see you soon.

  5. life is a journey ~ LIVE IT
    breath is a gift ~ BREATH IT
    happiness is a joy ~ EMBRACE IT

    it is by looking at our past that we can move forward and discover our future

    (to paraphrase our man gfa)
    welcome back from hell......nickajack cave.....
    life aint' always beautiful ~ but it's a beautiful ride.........

  6. I've spent the morning reading your blog and getting to know your sweet Avianna! I so appreciate your honesty! Our son was found to have a brain injury that they believe he suffered shortly after birth. We are currently looking into attending The Institutes program. I was curious to hear your thoughts on it now that you have been doing their techniques for awhile. Thank you for sharing the good and means a lot to other moms like me that are just trying to get by each day:)

  7. Hugs Jen!!! Peace is a beautiful place to be. I am so happy that you think you ahve found it! I still hope to meet you someday. Even if you don't come to Philly, maybe we'll come run a marathon near you!

  8. I was so glad to read this post. May your days be filled with more bright days than dark. *hugs*