This Week...

I just miss her.

Despite the love,

The laughter,

The blessings,

The friendships,

The smiles,

The warmth of everyday people.

Despite our health,

And all of our good fortune,

This week...

I just plain miss her.

Come Back to Me

By nature and at first, we were physically looking everywhere for Aviana. It was one sort of void when she was loud and vibrant, and a whole other when she was silent and didn't move.

Driving 

If I were the one driving, I would constantly look in my rearview mirror for her. If I were in the passenger seat, I would continually turn around to talk to, or check on her. 

Errands

Many times we made quick stops so one of us would stay in the car with Aviana. After she died, often times, one would have to remind the other that it was okay for the both of us to get out of the car. It's such a strange shift in our family dynamic.

Around the House

If we were cooking, we would constantly look over to make sure Aviana was okay. I would find myself walking over to give her some love, or a kiss. Every time we would do something we knew was likely to cause her a seizure, we would look over to check on her as well. 

Game Day

Aviana was Dave's favorite game day buddy. He claims her favorite team was The Kings...Aviana and I beg to differ. They watched every single game together - she on his lap. And if you're a fan of basketball you know there's a ton of games. Aviana is also a huge 49er fan, and I guess likes some other teams too ; ) Every Game Day, Dave would take her little arm and chant "Fooball! Fooball!' So now…he's stuck with boring ol' Rainey and me, and it's just not the same because we are loud, obnoxious and opinionated ; /

Stores

It's a strange thing to never have to shop for the child you've been shopping for since before she was yours. I had to finally go through every list on my phone and delete all items from every store, as they just kept appearing as I was shopping. They were each so very personal to her. 

  Wheels

When I used to put Aviana in her wheelchair in the morning, and wait for the bus, I would envision the day when it would one day be empty. This single thought would bring on instant tears and I would hug and cover her face in kisses. I thought the vacant sight would tear my heart to pieces. For some reason, not one of her empty wheels caused me any tears. I think it's because they were the very things that bound her. 

Last week, I took her wheelchair and bath seat up to be donated to people in 3rd world countries who are in need. As I was saying goodbye, I started to cry, but it wasn't for the equipment - it was for the people who were always so loving and helpful towards us, and especially Aviana. This week her stroller, her hi/lo chair, and carseat…will all go to a family in need. Yes, it was strange to look over and not see her in them, but moreover we felt happy to no longer see her in need of all this equipment. I was surprised by my reaction to these items - especially given the way I reacted with every thought before she died.    

Aviana's Room 

At first it only felt right to shut her door every night at the time she would normally have gone to bed. We would then open her door every morning she would have been awake. That only lasted for one week. Now the door stays opened all the time. 

In yoga this past Saturday, I realized I was ready to completely change her room and had a full vision for the transformation. I came home and excitedly ran it all by Dave. He agreed. I'm sure it will be underway sometime in the near future. 

Out

Surprisingly, I thought all of the above would have lingered for a very long time, but they didn't. They dissipated fairly fast. The only thing which we tend to forget sometimes is that we can both leave the house to go out at the same time. When Dave says he will be out say Wednesday night, my brain's first reaction is sometimes still that I need to be here for some reason. It's almost a second thought that, I too, have an option to stay or go. It's such a strange concept. 

***

I've always heard of people who've lost a loved one experiencing signs from them after they've passed. I have always believed in this, but I felt I would be a tough sell and it would have to be a pretty significant sign for me to know. I promised to have an open mind and heart though. When Aviana first died, although I felt her physical loss - I still felt unbelievably close to her spiritually. I can't tell you how comforting that was for me. Not only did I feel a warmth and closeness to her, but I was actually seeing signs not only from her, but from both her and Kama. I couldn't believe my eyes and ears, because I wasn't expecting anything. 

I honestly feel I have gone on expecting nothing, but the sad part is…I haven't seen or felt anything for what seems like the longest time. She comes to me almost every single night in my dreams, but I have to say…it's definitely different. It's by no means the same. I don't feel the spiritual connection with her I had, and so desperately want back. I know I cannot push for these things, and I won't. I think maybe I have been drifting off lately. Maybe I need to become centered once again. I'm not sure of exactly what it is, but I've been searching. I have so much more to say in connection with Rainey too. 

I know Aviana will come back for me, they both will. They are my girls; they won't leave me to wander this earth without them. They will find their ways - as they already have. They will reach back and pull me through.

I just know it : )

  

2014

A headache took hold of, and broke our plans for the majority of New Year's Eve. When headaches barge their way in, all I'm left to do is lie flat on my back, arms crossed over my eyes, and try not to think. But you know how that goes ; ) 

Ten years ago, 2003. 

We had just finished our last 'single selves' year. Complete with a trip to Paris and Amsterdam. I guess we were going out with a bang and an unsuccessful attempt of a baby to boot!

Ten years ago, tonight. 

We had a big party - formal and filled with all of our best friends. Silver and black balloons covered ever inch of our front room when you walked in. Extra long hanging strings, making sure everyone could drift their way through to the pumping, bumping beats.

Ten years ago, midnight. 

Ringing in 2004! How exciting! That was to be the year of the baby. Unbeknownst to us, the universe whispered back, 'I don't think so.'

Ten years later, tonight. 

Laid flat out on the floor. What a ride. Another full circle moment. Here we are - back at square one - just the two of us, and our kid…still the doggie love variety = ) I think of myself then. I can't help but smile - to actually laugh a little. I think life must be laughing with me too! I was so naive. I honestly thought I could control the universe. Actually, I can't help but cry a little too. I want some of that girl back. I would love to crawl into her for just a moment - to feel what it feels like to be her - for just a second. So fresh and wide-eyed, unscathed. A girl who hadn't a clue what was waiting in the distance. 

But then I'm reminded of so much, and I step back out. That girl had so many qualities I wish not to possess now. She was too rigid, much too planned and predictable. Everything had to be just so, and if it wasn't…she was often times, disappointed. If people were late, couldn't make it, or the worst offender of all…couldn't come as time dwindled down to the wire - she had a really hard time understanding. That girl was just too meticulous about too much. She wanted to control everything in her world, and the worst part was - to a degree, she thought she could. I guess it had worked for a long time. She had a lot to learn about life.

The funny - sometimes not so funny thing is - I have now morphed into the person I used to be unable to understand. How's that for comprehension and compassion! I laugh about it now, because I think it's the most ironic thing ever! I think of that almost each and every time it takes me days, and sometimes months to return an email! How embarrassing! Something I'm working on, by the way. Or when I can't make a plan to save my life, or when people change plans on me at the very last second and I don't even bat an eye, or when I can't make up my mind for anything, or when I have the attention span of a gnat, or when small to pretty big things things happen around the house that used to freak me out and now I laugh, because it all just doesn't matter anymore. 

There are bad traits I've picked up along the way too, but I will save those for another post. My real hope is to take the good of each, the old and new me, and somehow create one. I am thankful to finally have the opportunity to work on me, and not further destroy myself. 

I feel this odd combination of the most blessed, bursting, energetic, alive person on earth in conjunction with the most exhausted, beaten down, dazed and at times confused individual. It's a strange existence. It must be weird to watch because even though I just wrote those very true words and feelings...I think I'm pretty even keel, but maybe I'm not because sometimes I'm dancing like a banshee to my favorite song and other times I'm zoned out staring at nothing on the computer screen…paralyzed. Wanna come over ; ) 

All I can say is no matter what - I'm so happy and excited for the opportunity of this new phase in our lives. We are all exactly where we are supposed to be. I don't know if that sounds sad to anyone reading, but I don't think so. It might. I mean it's sad to me on a deep down level because of course I miss Aviana and will everyday of my life, for the rest of my life. We all do, dearly. My heart is finally settled though, even if we are divided. I know we can finally move forward. 

So I am grateful for a new beginning. I love new beginnings, but for me each moment is new. You can always start over in my world. I know I've told you all and if you are a real life friend of mine you know since the accident I can only handle very small increments of time. I say I have 'commitment issues' and I truly do. So I go from moment to moment. Rebuilding each and every.  Minute by minute, day by day as that's all I can handle. I have been conditioned this way through our life with Aviana. And yes, I talked to my counselor about it a few years ago because I didn't understand what the heck was going on with me? She explained that it made perfect sense. Because of Aviana's accident, I learned that tomorrow is not promised, so I get anxiety if plans are asked or made too far in advance. This is why I feel more comfortable day by day. Because of who I was before, I still see this personality trait as kind of a negative. But, I choose to look at it as a positive, because it's living in the present! I have the best friends and family, ones who understand what I've been through and work with me and and my brokeness despite how annoying my need for last minute plans must be! I hope with time and healing, I'll get better ; )

Thank you all so very much for being here for us. I am so grateful for this little space. I never planned it, and only started here as a means to guard my heart and relay information all at once about Aviana and Gary's condition in the hospital. My plan was to stop very early on. This has become a place of great therapy for me, as well as connecting with some of the best people I've ever known. 

I wish you well in 2014, but when I say well I don't mean that everything is going to be perfect, because that's just not life..as we all know. My wish is that if things happen, or are currently happening - big or small - they bring you closer with your family and friends, rather than drive you apart. I wish for you to share your stories, to open your heart, to be vulnerable and realize that so many others are going through or have been through something similar. Pain, loss and hurt of all kinds are everywhere, just like the antithesis! We are more similar, than different. I wish for people such as yourselves to come out of the woodwork and find supportive words for you when it seems none can be found. I wish for good, kind-hearted people to show up in your life and carry you through when you feel you just can't for one more moment. I wish for you to know in your heart to hold on, even when everything in you says let go. I wish for you to be open to all the beauty this life has, and I mean within the light and dark moments. I know, in the dark it's different, but the rewards are that much greater. You have to pull from deep, to look, to seek, you have to find them, but my gosh - they are there. They are everywhere, and once you discover them - they shine brightly, more brightly than in the light. And once you grab them up, you know how, and will never forget. You hold tight and know, they are yours for the taking - each and every time. 

More than anything, I wish you love.

❤ 

The Dress

Very few knew. Most had no idea.

Our meetings had come to an end. Every last question, answered. Dave and I decided we wanted Aviana's last days to be just the four of us. Our Hospice team was the best. They would call and check in - see how we were doing? How Aviana was? But also, ask if at any point we'd changed our minds about wanting to be by ourselves. During these phone calls we'd talk about how things were progressing, and ask any further questions.

One night, I was talking with our Hospice nurse, Beverly, who happens to be one of the most spiritually nurturing people I will probably ever know. We were having one of our normal conversations, but towards the end, she said something, which in one sentence, unwound every bit of the together I was. The words were so painful they inhibit my memory from now forming the exact order. As I attempt to recreate, I'm filled with gratitude in knowing they were delivered from the gentlest heart, and loving voice.

"Jen, you and Dave can put Aviana in anything you want to send her home." 

I lost it. I couldn't breathe. Never once had the single thought crossed my mind. With tears pouring without end, my gaze shifted towards Dave. He had our beautiful, withering girl wrapped in his arms. In his hands, a book he was in the middle of reading her. As I looked on, the phone beside my head, I wanted to freeze time - to spare them from what my ears had heard. I wished to un-hear myself. I felt we had come so far, but as I looked at the two of them - I knew we had much further to go. I could already see the words written on the page. I knew it would be one of the single most difficult in our story.

We held Aviana. We cried for all this meant. For our past, our present, our future. For everything - really. This moment. The symbolic nature of what we were about to do was forcing us to collectively come full circle. Thoughts were rampant. The anticipation and excitement of meeting Aviana for the first time in Guatemala, especially after receiving 11 months worth of pictures. Finally getting our hands on this real child - our child. Dressing her in the first outfit we'd brought for her. Giving her a bath for the first time. Styling her hair as we wanted to for the first time!

In one painstaking moment, all our firsts were spinning around and looming down as lasts. Round and round we went. We were edging closer to the threshold, preparing to cross. The memories, flashing. Happy/sad. Smiling/not. And the tears, oh the tears. They were flowing, and not.

As we looked at each other, we shook our heads in disbelief by the heart wrenching decisions we continuously had to make. We decided it would be better to pick an outfit and place her in before she died. We would keep her in this chosen outfit, so we wouldn't have to change her afterward. We gave her a bath for the very last time - washing all her beautiful, long, hair for one last time. We made our famous, but last 'Avi-ritto' out of her and the towel. We laughed as we always did, but then. . . cried as we held her extra tight. We decided on her pure white dress. She always looked like an angel in white. I did her hair, and when it came to the color of bow, we picked purple because that's her Nana's favorite color. One of my best friends, Jen, brought her the most beautiful cross necklace, which completed the whole outfit. The moments were extreme, but beautiful. Wrenching, but loving. And Aviana, well she took our breath away.

Very few knew. Most had no idea. Those who happened to see Aviana prior, probably thought she was merely a beauty in white. In the majority of our pictures from this time, she's wearing the dress.

At the time we were told we could put her in the outfit of our choosing, we were also told to expect her to go within 24-48 hours. As you know, Aviana had other plans and continued far longer. We finally had to wash her dress. In the meantime, we of course decided on a Halloween outfit. During that time, she took a turn. One look and it was was obvious - she was much too comfortable to change back into her dress. We knew it would be harder for us in the end, but her well being was of most importance. It seemed all too fitting for our girl to go in a Halloween outfit.

Dave and I believe once someone dies, their spirit is gone and their body is a body. We respect that body, but just as we thought, it was more difficult for us to change her back into the dress. We managed okay though.

Wrapped in her soft, polka dot blanket, we handed Aviana over to the two gracious men in our front entry and watched them lovingly carry her down our walkway. They got into their van, one in the driver's seat, the other holding Aviana while putting his seat belt around the two of them. Down our road they drove.

We were lucky enough to have a wonderful Hospice social worker who made a request for a two person transport and a mortuary who had never once heard of this, but wanted to do anything and everything to make it easier for a family who was about to lose their 7-year-old little girl. The people who make the world a better place never cease to amaze and inspire me.

The way we chose was like the day of the accident. I felt it would provide closure for hearts, which could never before truly find any. I watched Aviana's vibrant being toddle down that walkway and drive out of my life once before. And now, we watched her leave our lives for the second and last time - at least physically. But this time, she was off to once again be that spunky, sweet, glowing, grinning girl she was meant to be!

I hope you all had a Happy Holiday! 

Lonely Hearts Club

Christmas - the most wonderful time of the year. Christmas - the saddest time of the year. For many, the season holds different meaning. Some fall to one side, some to the other, with many maybe sprinkled somewhere between.

For all of my life before Aviana, I without question, fell on the side of 'the most wonderful time of the year.' I certainly thought about the less fortunate. I donated to food banks, Toys for Tots, thought briefly about the real meaning of the season, but then...I was back to the joy filled days of my own family. I hadn't a clue of what a slighted holiday really felt like.

Once Aviana was hurt, I was served a healthy dose of true grief during the holidays. I was surrounded in sadness. I saw the world in all its holiday glory - candy canes, kids and people caroling. In one split second we went from having a healthy child to a freshly brain injured, shaved head, overweight, constantly throwing up, couldn't move, loving child.

Our first holiday season found us cross country at an institute trying to learn how to rehabilitate her. I remember trying desperately to make the best! Make the best! But sometimes, as we were on break down in the cutest little town of Chestnut Hill - I would watch all of the people in their holiday excitement and want to gag. I felt sick by my thoughts, but honestly, their smiles and laughter would grate and radiate on every exposed nerve. After my brief pity party of, "Well, Merry Christmas to us!" I had to divert my attention to something more uplifting...like a piece of cake! It seemed overnight, I had become the lonely hearted during the holiday season…the season I so loved. The broken down, trying to be as positive as possible under grave circumstances.

Each year has been its own unique and individual challenge in the lonely hearts club. But as with everything, you find ways to fill the void. You search, seek and learn what works for you. I remember one moment during one year, I was feeling exceptionally sorry for myself. I can't stand that feeling, so I immediately jumped to what I know works for me, and that's looking outside myself and our situation. Knowing there are others in greater need than us always does the trick. It's like magic. So I looked down at a certain someone, and thought…I'm going to do something I've always wanted to.

Aviana saved me. She continues to save me, year after year. Aviana's Elves is the best and greatest thing for me. It provides a feeling which fills me like nothing else ever could, especially during the holidays. The things we did, coupled with all you sent me…I can't even begin to tell you. My heart is full. My holiday season was as full as could be this year. Thank you so very much for your help. Year after year, you have saved me. I sit in amazement, because each year you join together and pull my heart through when I need it most, and all in the name of helping others in need. It's the most beautiful thing to me. I thank you, I love you, and I wish you the happiest of holiday…truly ❤️

I think back before Aviana and I was lost. Straight up lost. She was and will always be my compass to what is true and important in this life. She points me in the direction to what the holiday season is all about. The thing I used to spend the least of my time and energy on is now what I choose to spend the most on…and it's all because of her. I sit here crying because in her time, without a word, she said all she needed to me. Not that I wasn't a good person before, but I would never want to be the person I was the day of her accident. She transformed my life. She has shown me a whole new world. I suppose that's what her purpose was - to change the people who were lucky enough to know her.

Grieving during the holidays can be hard core, but it's not all bad. It's a gift if you look at it in a different way. Sure it doesn't feel good, no way...not by a long shot. Between Aviana and Kama, I have been through some of the worst moments in previous years. I wouldn't want those moments back, but I wouldn't trade them either. They definitely serve a purpose. These moments have given me time to dig deep and find what and who are most meaningful and important to me. Once I figured out what and who...the best part - forcefully grabbing on and never letting go! To my very best friends, the family members who are there for us…and I mean, really there. It makes me grasp on to the things I love most in life - hugging the hell out of our Rainey Girl because I know nothing is promised and she might not be here tomorrow, laughing as I always do with Dave - the very best I will ever have, singing horribly to my very favorite songs, rolling the windows down and feeling the wind on my face. Just plain being mindful of every little thing. When the earth has been ripped out from under, you know to enjoy every moment you have as the next may not come. Love the ones you're with, always. Love the life you have, always.

But please, don't get me wrong, there have been many moments and times in these past years when I've been stripped to the bone….to the point of having to truly dig and I mean deep because the pain of what was in front of me was far too much. I had to talk myself down and always in the same few ways. One such as this. My heart would go to places of recent devastation, like tsunamis or hurricanes, often third world. I've done this too many times to count. My mind has gone to no food, no clothes, no shelter, no running water, no medication. I picture I'm sick as a dog, having to walk miles upon miles in the rain to get medication for an ailing family member. When I'm cold in my house and I go get a blanket, I think of the homeless people on the street, the ones I've met at Loaves & Fishes, who don't have that luxury and I'm good to go. Snapped back to reality…it could be worse.

Yes...I bake, wrap presents, shop, visit, and I enjoy doing so, but every year and because of Aviana my heart is truly with the grieving, lonely, hungry and cold. Once your own heart has been broken wide open, it never fully mends. It comes back together in many ways, but remains cracked for life.

I don't look at it as a bad thing though...

This season has been different from all those in the past. Yes there has been a little sad, but nothing like past years. Today has been a good day. I think of Aviana and hold her in the light.

In Honor

A donation was made to The Sweet Dreams Foundation in memory of Aviana 

~Luana, Ernie and Oscar Hernandez

***

Aviana inspired "Blessing Bags" which were made and handed out to people in need.

~ The Reinhart's and Friends

***

A donation was made in honor of Aviana to St. Jude.

~ Cameo, Norm, Asa & Valentina

***

A donation was made to Toys for Tots in honor of Aviana.

~ Caden Lopez

***

Two more Acts for Avi…

~ anonymously paid the utility bill for a struggling single mama whose power had been shut off.

~ dropped a grocery gift card off in another single father's mailbox so that he could buy much needed food for his 4 children.

Tonight…my little Bug and I are going shopping for a few things that we hope to pass out at various times over the next week. All in honor of your precious Angel Aviana.

~ Sarah

***

A donation was made to Make a Wish in honor of Aviana.

~ Kiara Lopez

***

In honor of Aviana, Stephanie has kept a big gallon zip-lock bag of snacks in her car to hand out to people who hold out signs around her town.

***

A donation of leashes and collars is being delivered to the animals of Anneke's Haven at Loaves & Fishes in honor of Aviana.

~ Mikayla Lopez

***

Alex Infante decided to order a bunch of pizzas and have them sent to the local firehouse on Halloween, because she knew that day was my favorite. Her husband is a fireman, so they hold a special place in her heart. She included a letter of why the pizzas were being sent along with Avi's blog address so they could see how special Aviana was. 

Alex ~ Thank so much for your letter… I cried big tears…thank you. 

❤

***

A donation was made for funeral services for a 2 year old little boy was was hit by a car and killed in a town near us in honer of Aviana.

~ Warren and Anna Steuben

***

A donation was made to St. Jude in honor of Aviana.

~ Roger and Rella Remedios

***

A donation was made to UC Davis Medical Center (PICU) in Aviana's memory. In her honor, a donation was also made to a family in San Ramon who just lost their mother to cancer. The dad is a middle school teacher and they have adopted four children (3,4,5,5) from Ethiopia. A donation was also made to a group serving the homeless and needy people in Solvang, Ca.

~ Dixie Hall

***

A donation was made in honor of Aviana to The Make a Wish Foundation.

~ Jan, Tony & Natalie Pinna

***

Channe says she can start by honoring Avi's memory by being more patient with her children and not getting frustrated with them when they can't/won't do something, and that she will also smile more : )

***

A donation was made to St. Jude in honor of Aviana.

~ Gerry Piglowski

***

Christie said for Avi she has been trying to bring joy to people through laughter : )

***

A donation of ninety Christmas dinners and whole lot of dog food were made to Loaves & Fishes. A donation was also made in honor of Aviana to The Book of Dreams, specifically to Khya's family. In so many ways, reading their story was like reading ours.

~ J.R. Williams

***

A donation of 30 Christmas dinners were made in honor of Aviana to Loaves & Fishes in honor of Aviana.

~ Ami Victorio

***

Jessica keeps looking for all kinds of ways to honor Avi with gifts of kindness! She keeps having to forgive cruddy drivers ; ) She is also going to have her kids clean out their old toys and bring them down to Salvation Army or one of the shelters nearby. 

***

These families donated to The Mustard Seed School at Loaves & Fishes in honor of Aviana:

The Delap Family

The King Family

The Johnson Family

The Hernandez Family

The Springer Family

The Velo Family

The Anderson Family

The Pham Family

The Serna Family

The Ringstrom Family

The Davis Family

The Williams Family

The Martell Family

The Autry-McNiel Family

The Knapp Family

The Brown Family

The Polson Family 

***

Thank you all! 
I can't tell you how much this lifts us or how brightly you make our world shine. 

What a Difference a Year Makes

Aviana my sweet ~

When I think of you now…

The relief I feel stretches as far as the universe is wide.

This holiday season, although we are not physically together…

I know we are both celebrating together ~ everyday.

I love you with all that I am baby girl.

Feel the Fire

I become paralyzed in many of the things I set out to do. It's hard for me to explain. From the big, to the very small. You name it. Somewhere along the line, I usually lose my steam. I get going, get pumped. I tell myself, "today is the day! It's been far too long. I love these people and every word they took the time to write us. I am going to return comments, emails, texts, etc." I start off strong, and then...my mind begins to wander. It's like I can't fully focus, or concentrate for long periods of time. I'm easily distracted, and usually by things that fall into the category of - mindless.

Tonight I had monster ambition! Presents be wrapped! Yes! I'm already behind and Dave is out for the night so I figured I would put the music on blast and Rainey and I would do our thang ; ) Dave even started last night while Amy and I were out and about. I hauled half the mass stack out, and now...it sits. Kinda like someone else I know (no, not Rainey! Come on, no thumbs! She can't work the scissors). My desk, iTunes, and YouTube whisper my name. It starts off faint and grows louder until I drop whatever it is I should be doing and respond.

My mind is not my own. It's off in outer space. In the last week especially, my path has lead straight to Aviana. I'm not exactly sure why this week. Maybe because I've been dreaming of her every single night for the past week? I have always dreamt in stereo, so my dreams have been so vivid that I wake every morning with an equally vibrant memory and headache to boot. Maybe because we just miss her more this week? Maybe because we have finally settled from the marathon of our lives? Maybe the holidays? Whatever the reason, it doesn't matter. She's just more on our minds, and in our hearts…if that's possible.

With her being in my head and heart, I've been reverting back. Her memorial video was one of the most diffilcult things I believe we will ever have worked through. I feel like a glutton for punishment when I continue to watch it again? Could our our whole life with her really have come and gone? Could it really be over? I've also gone back through a few times and looked at all the pictures of the entire time Aviana was dying. I've studied the progression, watched it happen in photo form. I know it really happened, but it's as if I need to see it all again. As if that weren't real enough to me as we were going through? I think I want to view it from an outsider looking in this time. I've also felt the need to open my nightstand drawer where her and Kama's ashes sit side by side - as they should - and look at them. It's as though I am manually connecting the wires. I have to feel it all. Absorb everything. No matter how painful. No matter if it makes me cry. Causes my head to hurt. I don't care. For some reason, I am the kid who's just got to touch the hot stove. I need to feel the fire, actually burn my hand.

What's strange is, I felt we already walked the coals for the past 4.5 years, especially in the last months. I guess it's all part of the process. So much fun to be had, by all.

Dave and I sit back and just can't quite believe we are full circle - back where we started, but so much different. It's surreal. It's amazing. It's actually unbelievable. We shake our heads. Sometimes we laugh, sometimes we cry, sometimes we just stare at each other.

What I know for sure is - I'm grateful for all the support we've always been given along the way. We are so lucky to have some of the best family members, friends, and people such as you, whom we have never met, but continue to give. My heart, so full.

Mostly, there are no words for how lucky I am to have traveled this life with Dave, Kama, Zoe, Aviana and Rainey. They have been my light, and light…always counteracts the dark.

I used to feel this song heavily after the accident. Our family wasn't truly at ease. Now, thankfully it's different. I still feel it because we lost our girl, but in place of a restless heart, peace presides. Nothing can take that away from us.

 So after I  feel the feelings of the song, my heart has a refreshing new place to land. I usually end up somewhere such as this... 

My friend Summer graciously agreed to read a poem I found for Aviana's memorial service.

She is Gone

You can shed tears that she is gone

Or you can smile because she has lived

You can close your eyes and pray that she will come back

Or you can open your eyes and see all that she has left

Your heart can be empty because you can’t see her

Or you can be full of love that you shared

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday

Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday

You can remember her and only that she is gone

Or you can cherish her memory and let it live on

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn you back

Or you can do what she would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

~ David Harkins

Acts of Kindness

These are some of the things we have received in the mail lately.

Thank you to Joe, Paige and Amelia! We just love every one of these!

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The Manski Family paid for a family's meal in a restaurant in honor of Avi. They told the waiter Avi's story so he could tell the family why their meal was paid for. They say they will continue random acts of kindness in honor of Avi.

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The Quick Family donated money to the Sutter memorial therapy dog program in honor of Avi.

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The Petty Family donated money to Keeva in order to help a family in Guatemala get clean drinking water. 

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There's more, but this is just for today! I can't even begin to thank my friend Sarah, and these families enough. 

After losing her child, Elizabeth Edwards said, "if you know someone who has lost a child or lost anybody who's important to them, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died, they didn't forget they died. You're not reminding them. What you're reminding them of is that you remember that they lived, and that's a great, great, gift."

One of my best friends shared this quote with me a few years ago. I absolutely love it! I've felt the weight of her words both the whole time after the accident while Aviana was hurt, and now that she's gone.

Thank you to everyone who has sent anything letting us know they are thinking of Aviana. You have no idea how much you help in keeping her little spirit alive.

❤