Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Feel the Fire

I become paralyzed in many of the things I set out to do. It's hard for me to explain. From the big, to the very small. You name it. Somewhere along the line, I usually lose my steam. I get going, get pumped. I tell myself, "today is the day! It's been far too long. I love these people and every word they took the time to write us. I am going to return comments, emails, texts, etc." I start off strong, and mind begins to wander. It's like I can't fully focus, or concentrate for long periods of time. I'm easily distracted, and usually by things that fall into the category of - mindless.

Tonight I had monster ambition! Presents be wrapped! Yes! I'm already behind and Dave is out for the night so I figured I would put the music on blast and Rainey and I would do our thang ; ) Dave even started last night while Amy and I were out and about. I hauled half the mass stack out, and sits. Kinda like someone else I know (no, not Rainey! Come on, no thumbs! She can't work the scissors). My desk, iTunes, and YouTube whisper my name. It starts off faint and grows louder until I drop whatever it is I should be doing and respond.

My mind is not my own. It's off in outer space. In the last week especially, my path has lead straight to Aviana. I'm not exactly sure why this week. Maybe because I've been dreaming of her every single night for the past week? I have always dreamt in stereo, so my dreams have been so vivid that I wake every morning with an equally vibrant memory and headache to boot. Maybe because we just miss her more this week? Maybe because we have finally settled from the marathon of our lives? Maybe the holidays? Whatever the reason, it doesn't matter. She's just more on our minds, and in our hearts…if that's possible.

With her being in my head and heart, I've been reverting back. Her memorial video was one of the most diffilcult things I believe we will ever have worked through. I feel like a glutton for punishment when I continue to watch it again? Could our our whole life with her really have come and gone? Could it really be over? I've also gone back through a few times and looked at all the pictures of the entire time Aviana was dying. I've studied the progression, watched it happen in photo form. I know it really happened, but it's as if I need to see it all again. As if that weren't real enough to me as we were going through? I think I want to view it from an outsider looking in this time. I've also felt the need to open my nightstand drawer where her and Kama's ashes sit side by side - as they should - and look at them. It's as though I am manually connecting the wires. I have to feel it all. Absorb everything. No matter how painful. No matter if it makes me cry. Causes my head to hurt. I don't care. For some reason, I am the kid who's just got to touch the hot stove. I need to feel the fire, actually burn my hand.

What's strange is, I felt we already walked the coals for the past 4.5 years, especially in the last months. I guess it's all part of the process. So much fun to be had, by all.

Dave and I sit back and just can't quite believe we are full circle - back where we started, but so much different. It's surreal. It's amazing. It's actually unbelievable. We shake our heads. Sometimes we laugh, sometimes we cry, sometimes we just stare at each other.

What I know for sure is - I'm grateful for all the support we've always been given along the way. We are so lucky to have some of the best family members, friends, and people such as you, whom we have never met, but continue to give. My heart, so full.

Mostly, there are no words for how lucky I am to have traveled this life with Dave, Kama, Zoe, Aviana and Rainey. They have been my light, and light…always counteracts the dark.

I used to feel this song heavily after the accident. Our family wasn't truly at ease. Now, thankfully it's different. I still feel it because we lost our girl, but in place of a restless heart, peace presides. Nothing can take that away from us.

 So after I  feel the feelings of the song, my heart has a refreshing new place to land. I usually end up somewhere such as this... 

My friend Summer graciously agreed to read a poem I found for Aviana's memorial service.

She is Gone

You can shed tears that she is gone
Or you can smile because she has lived

You can close your eyes and pray that she will come back
Or you can open your eyes and see all that she has left

Your heart can be empty because you can’t see her
Or you can be full of love that you shared

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday

You can remember her and only that she is gone
Or you can cherish her memory and let it live on

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn you back
Or you can do what she would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

~ David Harkins


  1. My sweet friend you are doing so great, but it is OK to have down days. The poems, video *I watch it too, everything was just as it should be. Thank you for all you did for Avi as I don't know that I could have done it but YOU are you and it would have been no other way. You and your family have brought to life what life is really all about and your words have reached so many people, as well as you have touched so many lives. Praying for you and Dave as well as your mom and father's to get through the next few weeks. Know your GIRLS are watching over you and maybe they don't think presents need to be wrapped! Love ya! Julie n Texas

  2. I love that poem. I imagine all of us wish we had the perfect words, but I think there are none. This is your journey and we're just here to support you all through it. The words to The Dance are so fitting for you, but they can't take away the pain.

  3. My psychiatrist would say you are doing the right thing allowing yourself to feel it, as horribly painful as it must be. Burying feelings only create more problems that would have to be dealt with at some point. I admire you for dealing with them and allowing yourself to experience them as they come up. Presents can wait. E-mails can wait. Live the moment you're in now. You know what you need. Trust your instincts. Love you!

  4. So much loss , surrounded by so much love. Thinking of you everyday. You are doing the best you can and you always have. Sometimes just putting one foot in front of the other may be the only thing you can do for the day,thats OK, and if not, then put your feet up and dwell on the memories sweet Aviana has left for you. I cant imagine for a moment of the road you're traveling .
    Cindy in nc

  5. I always want to comment after your post but I never know what to say.
    I don't know if you would be interested and I'm also not sure if my aunt has her stuff set up right now because it's winter. My aunt made us pendants and then also a small glass piece (rectangle shape) that sits in a picture stand, but the neat thing is is that she puts the ashes in them. She made me one that has both of my grandparents ashes in it. She also was never able to have kids so her kids have always been her dogs. I didn't know if that would be something you would like or if you would want to part with any of their ashes, it doesn't take but a tiny amount but everyone feels different about things. If you would like something like that I can send you pictures of what she made me and see if she has her stuff set up. she had it all set up in the garage which is why I wasn't sure if she had it set up or not, it has just been a hobby for her. Take care and let me know what you think.

    1. Hi! You are so unbelievably sweet for thinking of us and for offering something so beautiful! I have been thinking about it. We weren't really sure what to do with her ashes before, but we decided to take them, mix them with Kama's and one beautiful day release them together into Lake Tahoe. That very same day, we are going to have a butterfly release as well.

      I hope you know how appreciative we are for you thinking of us, writing to us, and especially offering something like that. Truly means so much…

  6. Wow, that was strange. I just wrote a really long comment but after I clicked submit my comment didn't show up. Keep It Up Wedding anniversary celebration