Sunday, June 11, 2017

In Her Own Time

Sarah's a friend I rarely see or speak to, but hold as a best. Our daughters were best friends too. Lily and Avi are both from Guatemala. Did they sense this somewhere deep inside? We'll never know. Although the two ran parallels, they differed in ways. Where Avi sprang, Lily hung back. The spark of their existence continued after the accident, but in reverse.

Sarah gifted us a book she and Lily loved called, "Ruby in Her Own Time." A story of ducks tells of a little one named Ruby who does everything last and in her own time, but when she does, she does brilliantly and beautifully!

Dave and I spent many nights reading this book to Aviana. We too, loved Ruby. The story was a continual reminder of how Avi's recovery and life wasn't in our time, but in hers alone.

When coming to Tahoe, things that once took moments suddenly turned into days, weeks, and sometimes months.

Never had I been so unsure.

Tiny tasks became insurmountable.

Because of my heart, I almost lost my mind over a single sheet of paper. Aviana became my life's work, so my resume caused an upheaval.

I sat, staring at the computer.

"Without Aviana, what's the point of my resume." Tears dripped at the thought of sitting across from a stranger answering questions about my "experience." Because I wasn't ready, the cursor gobbled seven years of warmth, love, pain, life, and death.

I sat, staring at the computer.

To spare my heart, I left her off. I felt as empty as the page looking back at me.

My mind waffled on what my soul knew.

With soul decisions there's one answer for me. No matter how hard, I'll never deny Aviana's existence. So with a burst of energy the best, hardest, most worthwhile years of our lives went back on my resume.

With Aviana here, it seemed I could do anything. With her gone, I wasn't sure where I belonged.

After how far we'd come, I was shocked by how deeply I'd fallen away from functioning in normal life.

I got through the resume, but because Dave knew I was struggling with the interview process, he suggested I substitute teach. With substitute teaching, I'd speak of Aviana only if I chose and felt comfortable.

I wondered if I could work with kids, but knew Dave was onto something good. I started slow, taking only high school and continuation, which quickly spiraled into middle, special day class, resource, and elementary. I soon found my sweet spot in any class 4th grade and above.

Before Aviana, I never had interest in working with kids. Because of her, the kids and schools have given me reason to get up in the morning.

The spirals continue, but just as Ruby, Lily, and Aviana the same goes for me. To the places of this world... I'll get there, but with patience and in my own time.


  1. Glad to see you have found your niche. It is funny how life works. My sister Google the blog randomly, and saw that you were blogging again. So here I am, and quietly, so are they. Miss you guys.

    1. Hi Jillian -

      You're so right about life and how it unfolds. I hope you and your sweet family are good. I miss you too. Love you = )

  2. I’m SO glad you’re back! Just two months ago I came across this very book.... my Niece was born 2 months early this year and I’ve watched my Brother and Sister-in-law struggle with her developmental delay. When I found this book in a donation pile, I quickly opened the cover and found tears streaming when I read the meaaage. I promptly wrote a special note, tied a pretty bow around it and gifted it to them for her first birthday. Our connection apparently continues......I’ll look forward to coming back and reading and will ALWAYS have memories of sweet Avi in my ❤️

    1. It's SO nice to see you Erin! When I read about me being back, I laughed because as with all things... it's me in my own time. But once here again, I'm super excited to see you!

      I'm so happy you came across this book (there are no coincidences) for your brother, sister-in-law, and niece. What a perfect and beautiful gift, just like your niece. Your niece will and I'm sure already has changed their lives and those around her for the best. And she will for the rest of her life. Yes, it's a struggle to wrap our minds around. Acceptance can be grueling, but as with all of the toughest, most challenging difficulties in life - they grow and transform us most. Yes, even through the times we wish to God to trade for the opposite ; )

      I believe your and my connection is through this lifetime and beyond. With love and peace - I think of you, your family, and your dad often.

      Thank you for being here, and thank you for ALWAYS saying Avi <3

  3. I imagine you are a wonderful teacher! Happy for you.

    1. Hi Marianne!!

      Thank you! It's so nice to see you! I hope you are well!

      ❤️ <--- I've been gone so long, until now, I forgot how to make a heart 😉

  4. Nice to see you back. Sending love, Beya

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