Friday, August 15, 2014

Spaces Between

I never truly intend to be away so long. Sometimes I feel I've lost my written words. A little frustrating, because they are stronger than ever in my heart, head, and verbally. Sometimes I think everything is happening too fast since. And for me to capture the true essence and place it all into words is just too much right now. Sometimes I think it might be both too close to the bone, and too difficult for me to transcribe emotion to paper, which is so strange for me to even understand? Is it the aftershock of everything? Maybe I have yet to understand enough myself, in order to explain to others?

I swivel the various things I really want to say, but by the time I sit, I stare and think, "Forget it. It's going to take too much thought, it's going to be much too long of a post, and then take too much editing to convey what I'm really feeling about what's going on in life and how Aviana permeates every aspect of everything." My next thoughts usually surround how most times I understand the correlation, but sometimes, not at all. It's in a way, and to a magnitude I never expected, but am so grateful and in awe over. It both hurts and feels like the greatest blessing I've ever known.

I envy the days where I used to just sit down and tell as each and every happened. Now, just like old, used, books gaining more dust by the day - so are my stories. I have stacks upon stacks I want to share, but sometimes don't know why I can't, or don't.

Whatever the reason, I just want to thank you for still being here.

Now...I'm off to write my intended post : )


  1. I've been thinking about you this week, wondering if you're packing or if you're all moved. I'm planning Avi's birthday party tomorrow. I'm having Cherry Chip Swirl coffee in her honor because I think it's like her...strong and sweet. Keep writing. We like your thoughts/feelings...we don't care if it's not all organized. It all has meaning.


  2. I'm here because I've grown to love you and your family. Write whatever you feel like, whenever you feel like. No pressure. No worries. No expectations. Keep this space your haven. Like Dixie said, we don't care if it's all laid out perfectly or not. Your blog is your art. Love you!

  3. Im still here with you and for you , Im happy for you and your new plans and to know that Aviana permeates every aspect of everything for you. That little girl sure did leave us with so much , didn't she? I sometimes think how much she changed me ,only because you shared her with us!
    cindy in nc

  4. Oh Sweetie I feel bad because I come and look but never reply. Don't you ever leave us or if you do you better start another one so we fan follow. My heart was broken today and I came here to see you - my 10 month German Rott was in the "baby room" that is empty and clean for this year. My sweet potato plant had climbed and went all through the blinds. I kept saying I was going to take a picture, going to. Well I will tomorrow. After having a tough day, we went out to eat and when I came home guess who had gotten and ate my sweet potato. I sat down and cried and was so mad at her and she came over and gave me kisses and a butterfly fluttered around us so I know it isn't the end of the world. So, going to go in the morning and pick me out a "new" birthday sweet potato and hope my butterfly is there to show me which one. Will not keep it at puppy level! Love ya and hugs to Rainey!

    Julie n Texas

  5. Words, blog posts, grief, they are all liquid, fluid, moving, never staying still to get used to them, always taking on a mind of their own and moving to where THEY want to be. We are merely a vase containing them, or trying to contain them since like water, and life, it sometimes spills out the top.

    Wow, I think I'm pretty damn profound! See? And I didn't even plan that! It's those damn fluid words, taking me to places I never knew.

    Like someone wise told me once, "don't edit, always send." I CHALLENGE you to just sit down ONCE and pour everything out and hit "publish" without editing.

    I love you today and every day. But especially today.

  6. I will also be here because I can so visualize how your tragedy could so easily have happened in my family. I am Grammy to two Guat. angels; my daughter and her husband battled infertility for years. Then the Lord opened the Guatemala door, and they brought home Elia who is nearly 12 and Ava who is nearly 10 They are my heart!!! I can easily see how my husband and I could have been in your mom and step-dads shoes on that fateful day.I can visualize all of us going through all the heartache and then surrendering when it was time. God bless you and your husband, and may God open so many new doors to you that there is not enough room to receive them. He is writing your little story in part to complete His Big Story. I can just see him using you both in a magnificent way.

  7. Take all the time you need! I'm still here and will continue to be. Your blog (and your story) has had such an inspiring influence on my life. I so appreciate you sharing your journey and feelings in such an open, beautiful way.