Friday, May 7, 2010


The first day back to the gym, I just barreled through, trying not to think. Once I jumped the hurdle, I relaxed.

Once back, all of the memories and emotions seeped through.

From the moment I stepped out of my car, it was shadow was missing. She was not there to bounce her way into the gym. She was not there to put a smile on everyone's face. I was quickly reminded of the little being who was so infectious to anyone we happened upon.

I walked by her preschool room and felt a huge void deep within my soul. A flood of memories washed over me. Memories that I had kept locked away tightly until that very moment. I tried not to think, but had too. The emotions were too strong for me to keep them under wraps.

I could not breeze by the childcare door as though it were invisible. My mind had, but no choice than to chronicle through the catalog of "our" conversations. I couldn't help, but to think of her so lively, sweet, warm....moving. The "turn and run" girl was loudly beating down my door!

After class, instead of walking down that lonely hallway, I snuck out the side door. I knew the all too familiar hallway memories. Memories, which would shoot to the forefront. When I would pick her up, I would sneak up on her from time to time. I could never hide long, because she was looking for me. I could visually picture her sweet little face waiting for my return. I could actually hear the sound of her voice as she caught sight of me, "Mommy's here!!!"

Going out the side door was the lesser of two evils. The side door presented its own fair share of landmines. I had to walk the preschool patio. Through the sand box and other toys. Aviana could not bear to have sand in her shoes and would go to great lengths to get it out. I would sit close by, on different occasions, at different locations, and sometimes document her distress.
Every step of my Thursday journey was sad, sad, and sadder. My little shadow was everywhere. It made me wonder how many everyday shadows we walk amongst. It made me look at people making their way through their daily lives and wonder if they too have a missing shadow?

I got home and the best revelation fell upon me. My shadow was not missing. She was right there. Waiting for me. She was alive. She survived!

Every bit of sadness fell away as I recognized, I am able to see her, to hear her, to lean over and cover her with kisses, anytime. I feel overwhelmingly blessed that she is here. We were lucky enough for her to be spared. To be saved. To be here with us.

I can't help but feel we are the luckiest people alive. We are fortunate enough to be witnessing one of life's greatest miracles.

She is my love.

She is my life.

In that single moment, I realized I will never let doubt or wonder dance around my head. I will not entertain those emotions anymore.

I thank you God, for giving us all a second chance.


  1. tears.....mixed emotions
    sadness & joy

    these are the things that pop out of me as i'm reading today.......i wish i could reach through this screen & give you a hug. you do not walk this path alone.

    your shadow IS still here...she's just moved to a different spot!

    i know that one day she truly WILL retake her rightful spot as your shadow. physically following you everywhere you go....but until that day comes, she will be right there waiting for you when you come home

    smother her with hugs & kisses for me to!!!

    <3 ~j

  2. Beautifully written!! You are blessed :)

  3. I love reading your posts. You have such a beautiful way with words. I am so glad you have your precious girl to shower with love!

  4. "If God created shadows, it was to better emphasize the light."- Pope John XXIII

    You definitely experience both light and darkness when dealing with shadows- but you need both of them!

    I am so glad that you found your shadow Jen!!!!

  5. This was a beautiful post. She is so blessed to have you as her Mommy. Happy Mothers Day