Thank you for always being so good to all of us.
We love you so much!
❤ ❤ ❤
Thursday, September 8, 2011
What I Would Tell You
I wanted to first thank Jenny for posting this on her blog. A truly inspiring person named Julie Keon wrote the following....
What I Would Tell You
I sensed someone watching me as I comforted my daughter after a particularly traumatizing dentist appointment at the Children’s Hospital. I looked up and saw you staring at us from across the waiting lounge. I didn’t pay much attention, as I have grown accustomed to the curious eyes of onlookers. Our daughter was born 7 ½ years ago and after an abrupt lack of oxygen at birth, she changed the course of our lives forever. Perhaps, our lives unfolded exactly as they were meant to — they just didn’t unfold in the way we had imagined or planned.
I talked to my daughter, kissed her and hugged her. I was giving her a brief break before putting her through the next traumatic experience of the day ~ the car ride home. Having cerebral palsy is the least of her worries but this condition can turn a car seat into a torture chamber.
I stood up to gather our things, my daughter in my arms, and it was then that I noticed you were holding an infant. It was difficult to know for certain how old she was. I knew immediately, though, that you were one of us. I knew that only recently your life had changed drastically and you sat here in this Children’s Hospital wondering, “How did we get here?” I should have recognized that shocked stare because I once had it, too. And I assume that the man sitting next to you, looking equally tired and shocked, was your husband.
I made my way toward the doors and as I passed you, our eyes met and I smiled at you. You smiled back and for a moment I knew that you knew that I understood.
If I could, I would tell you although you might not believe it right now, you will be okay. I would tell you to dig deep within yourself because you will find the strength and resilience somehow and it will surprise you. I would tell you to honour your feelings and let the tears flow when they need to. You will need the energy for more important things than holding in emotions.
I would tell you that the man sitting next to you might cope differently and he might even want to run the other way. But I would tell you to hang on because he is scared and he really doesn’t want to leave you. I would tell you to look after yourself so that you can care for your daughter. Don’t underestimate the power of good nutrition, exercise, sleep, supplements and an empathetic therapist.
I would tell you that grief will come and it will confuse you because how can something that brings such joy also bring such sadness? I would tell you to let people into your lives to help you. Our children really do require a village to raise them. Access all of the services and resources available. Find someone who can learn how to care for your child so that you can have breaks and so you and your partner can go on dates… even little ones like a twenty minute stroll outside holding hands, sharing wine on the deck or even catching a movie.
I would tell you that you know your child best of all and no matter what you are told by the doctors and other professionals who will be a part of your life, YOU know the answers. You will teach them about your child. At times you will question the validity of your intuition but after a while you will become profoundly aware of how accurate your gut feelings are when it comes to your child.
I would tell you not to be a martyr. Caring for your child will require tremendous focus and unimaginable energy and it can burn you out and make you sick when you least expect it. I would tell you to let your guard down along the way so that you can stay healthy in your mind and spirit.
I would tell you to seek out other mothers like yourself. This is, indeed, the road less travelled and you will feel very alone along the way especially in the company of healthy children and their parents. Yes, you will feel very isolated but know that we are here. Sometimes you have to look a little harder but we are here. You can find us online, in support groups and wandering the halls of the Children’s Hospital.
I would tell you that you will know far too much about the human anatomy, neurology, gastro-enterology, feeding tubes, pharmaceuticals, and so on, than a mother should ever have to know. I would also tell you to do some research to inform yourself but be very careful not to be overwhelmed by the internet and all of the information available to you. Having some trust in what your child’s specialists tell you can be very grounding. Other mothers and fathers of children like ours can be a wealth of information.
I would tell you that this isn’t an easy life. It is tough: there is no doubt about it but you are very capable and the rewards are great. You may never see your child graduate from university, walk down the aisle or give birth to your grandchildren but you will feel pure joy when your child laughs for the first time at the age of 3 years and 8 months. You will celebrate the moment when you connect with your non-verbal child. You will call your spouse at work to tell him that she has gained 4oz. because weight gain is always a struggle with our children.
I would tell you that you will have to witness procedures and surgeries and suffering well beyond what any parent should ever have to bear. But, I would tell you that you will be courageous and comforting because your child will be experiencing far more suffering than any child should ever have to endure.
I would tell you that your life will not resemble the life you had planned. It will be as though you landed in Holland instead of Italy but after some time, you will adjust the dreams you had and this reality will be normal to you. You will dream new dreams.
I would tell you that you might find yourself staring death in the face during close calls. You will be asked to fill out DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) forms and although you might make decisions to not resuscitate in the event of a cardiac arrest, when the moment arises, you will panic to think that it could all come to an end. And I would tell you to not feel guilty in the darkest moments when you pray to God to take your child if it would mean the suffering would end. This might horrify you but know that your love for your child is so great that at times you will believe that death would be a blessing.
I would tell you that others will not get it. They can’t. This is a very unique and complex journey on all levels. We cannot expect anyone to get it. And I would tell you that people — the cashier at the grocery store or your insurance broker or even your hair stylist — will say stupid things like, “God only gives these special kids to special mothers” and “God will only give you what you can handle.” You will nod and smile but eventually you will look them right in the face and tell them that those simple maxims are a bunch of bullshit.
I would tell you that imagining your future will be bittersweet and may involve a Plan A and a Plan B. Plan A will be what you will do if your child outlives the predicted life expectancy set forth by the experts and Plan B will come into play if they do not. You will catch yourself casually discussing your future with the code phrases of Plan A and Plan B.
I would tell you that grief will creep up on you after years have passed and you least expect it like at a wedding when the father and bride have their first dance or when you hear a birth announcement. It will also creep up on you when you see yourself in a new mother who is just beginning this journey.
I would tell you that you will recognize her because she is you from 7 ½ years ago. And you will want to run to her and hug her and tell her that everything will be okay. You will want to save her from the pain and the hardship and the unknown.
But I would tell you that when you find yourself sitting at the Children’s Hospital and you see a new mom and dad who are just starting this journey, you smile at them and walk by as they have their own path to travel and it will be different than yours. It may be longer or shorter. It may be more or less complicated.
I would tell you that her searching eyes are looking for some sign that she will survive this. And you, smiling as you pass, with your child arching all over your shoulder, will let her know that yes, she will survive this and may even thrive.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
How?
This is kind of how it feels right now...
How can I go forward when I don't know which way I'm facing?
How can I go forward when I don't know which way to turn?
How can I go forward into something I'm not sure of?
Oh no, Oh no
How can I have feeling when I don't know if it's a feeling?
How can I feel something if I just don't know how to feel,
How can I have feelings when my feelings have always been denied?
Oh no, Oh no
You know life can be long,
And you've got to be so strong,
And the world is so tough sometimes I feel I've had enough
How can I go forward when I don't know which way to turn?
How can I go forward into something I'm not sure of?
Oh no, Oh no
How can I have feeling when I don't know if it's a feeling?
How can I feel something if I just don't know how to feel,
How can I have feelings when my feelings have always been denied?
Oh no, Oh no
You know life can be long,
And you've got to be so strong,
And the world is so tough sometimes I feel I've had enough
How can I give love when I don't know what it is I'm giving?
How can I give love when I just don't know how to give?
How can I give love when love is something I ain't never had?
How can I give love when I just don't know how to give?
How can I give love when love is something I ain't never had?
Oh no, Oh no
You know life can be long,
And you've got to be so strong,
And the world she is tough sometimes I feel I've had enough
And you've got to be so strong,
And the world she is tough sometimes I feel I've had enough
How can we go forward when we don't know which way we're facing?
How can we go forward when we don't know which way to turn?
How can we go forward into something we're not sure of?
Oh no, Oh no
How can we go forward when we don't know which way to turn?
How can we go forward into something we're not sure of?
Oh no, Oh no
Standing On The Bridge
The moment we decided to carry on with Aviana's life, a number of terrifying things crossed my mind. I voiced all of them to my counselor, and she proceeded to teach me the most valuable lesson ever, and that is to cross that bridge when I come to it. Through trial and error, I eventually have had some success in this area ; )
Well, I am currently standing on the bridge. I am not sure which way to go. My feared moment has arrived, and it looks something like this....we had endless hope in the beginning. The world was so full of possibility, and we honestly thought she was going to knock the beast out of the park. Through a dear friend, we had just the program we needed. We were planning on devoting our every moment to Aviana's recovery, which included traveling back and forth across the country. We had a plan, and it was a great one.
It was difficult, but we knew what we were doing. We were driven by hope, and there was nothing stopping us. For 15 months on the program, we never really wavered. We were strict and had every single thing in order. There were of course bumps along the way, but nothing we couldn't manage.
Aviana was making huge physiological strides, but not much in the way of physical. We had heard some discouraging things, such as - she was the bottom 5% of the most hurt children they have on their program, and of course the normal awful facts from her neurologist, but we took it in stride and carried on.
We were supposed to start the program again yesterday, and we didn't for two reasons. I had a monster migraine, and we were not sure how to proceed. The amount of work we put in, compared to the amount of progress Aviana made, does not equate. It just doesn't add up. If you remember, this past time at The Institute Aviana's neurological age stayed at 19.2 months old. In 7 months, she did not budge one bit. We all know success creates motivation, therefore with little success, there is little motivation. And that is where we have found ourselves. It was sad to hear, but we knew she had indeed benefited from the program. The truth of the matter is though, our hope is dwindling, and for the first time we are teetering on the edge of acceptance. Moving into the acceptance realm does not feel the least bit comfortable to me...any day of the week. The truth is staring me in the face and telling me otherwise though. I can no longer ignore it.
I have talked extensively to my counselor because I am really kind of struggling. I had been feeling jaded lately. She said I am not jaded and am finally grieving. I laughed, grieving after over two years, really? Once she explained, it all made sense. She said I haven't had one moment to grieve, because I have basically been spinning around like a top. Fighting for Aviana while she was in the hospital. Protecting my family. Fighting for services. Making sure my Mom and Gary were okay. Fighting all of the entities. Killing ourselves on this intense program. Battling all kinds of other family drama. I have finally had a moment to breathe, and sit, and think, and boy it sure doesn't feel good sometimes.
So what to do? I don't know, but I started her program again today. It just felt right. They ramp us up nice and slowly, so we don't lose our minds right off the bat. It feels great to know I am again helping our sweet little one on this journey. That alone is sometimes the best feeling in the world, and I hope to never lose it. These past days have been good, but I am just not sure we will ever again go at the unrelenting rate we were at before. The minimal progress is just not worth breaking all of our backs for.
The future is a big unknown, and I am not sure which way to go, but we will figure it out...we always do ;o) That in itself is one constant I am so thankful for!
Please keep some happy thoughts for us. We are seeking all the guidance we can, and sure do welcome any positivity sent our way.
Thank you
❤
Well, I am currently standing on the bridge. I am not sure which way to go. My feared moment has arrived, and it looks something like this....we had endless hope in the beginning. The world was so full of possibility, and we honestly thought she was going to knock the beast out of the park. Through a dear friend, we had just the program we needed. We were planning on devoting our every moment to Aviana's recovery, which included traveling back and forth across the country. We had a plan, and it was a great one.
It was difficult, but we knew what we were doing. We were driven by hope, and there was nothing stopping us. For 15 months on the program, we never really wavered. We were strict and had every single thing in order. There were of course bumps along the way, but nothing we couldn't manage.
Aviana was making huge physiological strides, but not much in the way of physical. We had heard some discouraging things, such as - she was the bottom 5% of the most hurt children they have on their program, and of course the normal awful facts from her neurologist, but we took it in stride and carried on.
We were supposed to start the program again yesterday, and we didn't for two reasons. I had a monster migraine, and we were not sure how to proceed. The amount of work we put in, compared to the amount of progress Aviana made, does not equate. It just doesn't add up. If you remember, this past time at The Institute Aviana's neurological age stayed at 19.2 months old. In 7 months, she did not budge one bit. We all know success creates motivation, therefore with little success, there is little motivation. And that is where we have found ourselves. It was sad to hear, but we knew she had indeed benefited from the program. The truth of the matter is though, our hope is dwindling, and for the first time we are teetering on the edge of acceptance. Moving into the acceptance realm does not feel the least bit comfortable to me...any day of the week. The truth is staring me in the face and telling me otherwise though. I can no longer ignore it.
I have talked extensively to my counselor because I am really kind of struggling. I had been feeling jaded lately. She said I am not jaded and am finally grieving. I laughed, grieving after over two years, really? Once she explained, it all made sense. She said I haven't had one moment to grieve, because I have basically been spinning around like a top. Fighting for Aviana while she was in the hospital. Protecting my family. Fighting for services. Making sure my Mom and Gary were okay. Fighting all of the entities. Killing ourselves on this intense program. Battling all kinds of other family drama. I have finally had a moment to breathe, and sit, and think, and boy it sure doesn't feel good sometimes.
So what to do? I don't know, but I started her program again today. It just felt right. They ramp us up nice and slowly, so we don't lose our minds right off the bat. It feels great to know I am again helping our sweet little one on this journey. That alone is sometimes the best feeling in the world, and I hope to never lose it. These past days have been good, but I am just not sure we will ever again go at the unrelenting rate we were at before. The minimal progress is just not worth breaking all of our backs for.
The future is a big unknown, and I am not sure which way to go, but we will figure it out...we always do ;o) That in itself is one constant I am so thankful for!
Please keep some happy thoughts for us. We are seeking all the guidance we can, and sure do welcome any positivity sent our way.
Thank you
❤
Be OK
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today
I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today
Open me up and you will see
I'm a gallery of broken hearts
I'm beyond repair, let me be
And give me back my broken parts
I just want to know today, know today, know today
I just want to know something today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok
Just give me back my pieces
Just give them back to me please
Just give me back my pieces
And let me hold my broken parts
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something todayI just want to know today, know today, know today
I just want to be ok today
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today
I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today
Open me up and you will see
I'm a gallery of broken hearts
I'm beyond repair, let me be
And give me back my broken parts
I just want to know today, know today, know today
I just want to know something today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok
Just give me back my pieces
Just give them back to me please
Just give me back my pieces
And let me hold my broken parts
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something todayI just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok
Know that maybe I will be ok
Know that maybe I will be ok
Know that maybe I will be ok
Know that maybe I will be ok
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Tahhhhoe
We went up to Tahoe to celebrate my dad's birthday this past weekend. At about 7am Rainey jumped off the bed and was growling her heart out. I looked out the sliding glass door and there was a bear slowly making his way from the road up towards our house. I have seen my share of bears, but never this close. I woke Dave up to see. I didn't even think about my phone until this black beauty had come up to the deck and was then walking away from us. I got these two pictures. I wish I had thought of it earlier because he was so unbelievably cute as he was making his way towards us ;o)
Rainey continued to look for him well past the time he was there.
My dad and I decided to go on a motorcycle ride around the lake. Yeah, I drove him around...ha ha! With my dad it is always an adventure. We were making our way out of South Shore when he said, "I think we're out of gas." He doesn't ride his Harley nearly enough (for that I am silently thankful, as I worry every time he is out) and was looking at the pressure gauge instead of the gas one.
I did not want to wait for AAA, so I started to hitchhike. I didn't think there was anything wrong with it, as I had done it some while in high school up there. I am very trusting of Tahoe people. My dad wasn't thrilled and made me stop. I then saw a car pulled over by a gated community and thought it was safe. Again, my dad wasn't too happy about it, especially when I ran across the five lane main highway to get to the car. I knew I could get across fine, and in light of Avi's accident wouldn't have done it if I didn't think it was safe.
A very sweet woman drove me to the gas station where I purchased a tank and some gas. We put it in and were back to our ride in no time at all. Other than the brief gas debacle, it was the perfect day.
When we got home, we found Aviana relaxing outside.
What a little doll face.
Okay, this one wasn't from Tahoe, but I couldn't take it out. Too cute!
Kama and I had taken a drive to Tahoe one day. I just thought I would include the pictures I took in case you have never seen the beauty of this gorgeous lake ;o)
This is Emerald Bay and is on the West Shore.
This is also on the West Shore, and is an old church. When I lived in Tahoe, my best friend and I were all freaked out every time we walked ran passed it at night. It looks really creepy in the dark!
This pier is in Tahoe City. I used to hang out and eat lunch here during my breaks from work.
Clumsy me actually went to put my feet in one day, slipped and fell halfway in. I had to go back to work soaking wet. The worst of it was I was wearing white shorts :o(
My girl.
My beautiful, beautiful girl.
The lake is so full right now. This picture was taken about three years ago when it was much emptier.
These were taken in Tahoe Vista. My stomping grounds.
These last two pictures are on the East Shore.
There's no place like home.
There's no place like home.
I sure wish I could click my heels and be there...
Sunday, September 4, 2011
And Beyond
You might wonder why it is that we love our dog so very much. Well, we are dog people through and through. We were put on this earth to have dogs for the rest of our lives. One after the next, after the next.
For us, the truth of the matter goes so much further than that though. For all of you who have kids, imagine how much they bring to you each and every day. Think of all the funny, quirky, sweet things they are constantly doing to fill your soul. Think of all the non-stop action they provide, running, jumping, hopping, spinning around all goofy and crazy. Think of the laughs, giggles, smiles, and back and forth exchanges of love and life. Good or bad, just think of one full days two way interaction....now suddenly, take that all away. Take away every single thing I listed above. What are you left with? Not much.
Now, don't get me wrong, there is a difference from before I had kids, because I was absolutely fine with what I am about to say, but now and in light of having had one, this is how I feel. There is not much that fills a day. The house is quiet. The two way interaction is pretty much non existent. And, often times, a lonely feeling is what I am left with.
But here's the clincher, not only take everything away, but leave the child that cannot do any of these things. Leave the child, so you have a visual reminder of what you had before, and what you will never have again. Leave the child, so you can pour every ounce of your being into rehabilitation until you are both frustrated with the total lack of physical gains, and exhausted from trying as hard as you have to give this girl the quality she so much deserves!! Leave the child that cannot show happiness. Leave the child who cannot tell you what she wants or needs. What about the FC Board? Well, you can strike that out too, as that is almost never happening in this household. That does not carry any sort of consistent weight, at all. But wait, she can eat all her food, and enjoy it, right? The truth is, feedings are the biggest nightmare of the entire day. I swear she does not get hungry, and I double swear that she does not open her mouth, oh and I triple swear that they are the highlight of misery in our household. So, for the record, go ahead and strike that too. Aren't I lovely? Right about now, are you wondering why you come and visit us here at all ;o)
This is all too much to try and explain. This whole thing is really hard to put into words, even if you spent the day with us, or visited often. Those are merely snapshots and then everyone else has some distance from this harsh reality. Well, I guess it is the same with every challenging situation. You don't fully understand unless you are in it.
How is one to wrap their brain around this way of living? How is one to shut down everything you know of a life, and carry on? I have done my absolute best to make peace with this situation, but it is getting harder and harder with each passing day. More to come on that, but I just don't know how to do it. It has been over two years, and now is harder than it has ever been for us. From the moment we made the decision to carry on, now is the time I feared most in my head. Now is where I hoped we would never be. Right here. Right now.
Anyway, for all of the above reasons, this is why we love Rainey so much. She is life. She is constantly filling our broken souls. She is our interaction. She is able to show happiness, excitement and love. She is the one who is bouncing off our walls, and doing crazy funny things. She is the light that has not gone out.
As I write all this, I of course have tears streaming down my face. I know darn well this is not Aviana's fault. I know if she could, she would. I know she doesn't want to be like this, or be unable to do all this. I know she is just trying to have a life too. I look at her, and cry as all she wants is some joy too. I know she would never have chosen this life for herself. I know she, of all people, does not deserve this. I know she wants what we all want, love and happiness. I know. I know she just wants to be loved. I know. Is it Aviana's fault that others can express themselves and she can't? NO! Is it fair that Rainey, or anything or anyone else can fill a soul so completely and she can't? NO! I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I quadruple times infinity know this is not her fault!!
I have all day to think about the nuts and bolts, and every single angle of this whole entire thing. And you know what, that doesn't help, because in the end...it all doesn't matter because this IS, WHAT IS. We cannot change what is, and therefore we keep on going. We keep on doing the best we can, but that is not ever going to stop me from saying how this feels. That's what I always want to know from others, what does that feel like?? Well, this is what this feels like to us!
We of course love Aviana, but it is just so different. We love holding her and loving on her, but she doesn't feed us in a certain way. And there is no way around it. Well shouldn't the point be you feeding her? Well, we always do the best we can. She is sweet and cute, but all of the stark reality surrounding her is just too much to bear sometimes.
If you are here ~ ~ ~ ~ I know this was all over the place, but that is how I feel lately. Thank you so much for staying with me, and listening to me.
For us, the truth of the matter goes so much further than that though. For all of you who have kids, imagine how much they bring to you each and every day. Think of all the funny, quirky, sweet things they are constantly doing to fill your soul. Think of all the non-stop action they provide, running, jumping, hopping, spinning around all goofy and crazy. Think of the laughs, giggles, smiles, and back and forth exchanges of love and life. Good or bad, just think of one full days two way interaction....now suddenly, take that all away. Take away every single thing I listed above. What are you left with? Not much.
Now, don't get me wrong, there is a difference from before I had kids, because I was absolutely fine with what I am about to say, but now and in light of having had one, this is how I feel. There is not much that fills a day. The house is quiet. The two way interaction is pretty much non existent. And, often times, a lonely feeling is what I am left with.
But here's the clincher, not only take everything away, but leave the child that cannot do any of these things. Leave the child, so you have a visual reminder of what you had before, and what you will never have again. Leave the child, so you can pour every ounce of your being into rehabilitation until you are both frustrated with the total lack of physical gains, and exhausted from trying as hard as you have to give this girl the quality she so much deserves!! Leave the child that cannot show happiness. Leave the child who cannot tell you what she wants or needs. What about the FC Board? Well, you can strike that out too, as that is almost never happening in this household. That does not carry any sort of consistent weight, at all. But wait, she can eat all her food, and enjoy it, right? The truth is, feedings are the biggest nightmare of the entire day. I swear she does not get hungry, and I double swear that she does not open her mouth, oh and I triple swear that they are the highlight of misery in our household. So, for the record, go ahead and strike that too. Aren't I lovely? Right about now, are you wondering why you come and visit us here at all ;o)
This is all too much to try and explain. This whole thing is really hard to put into words, even if you spent the day with us, or visited often. Those are merely snapshots and then everyone else has some distance from this harsh reality. Well, I guess it is the same with every challenging situation. You don't fully understand unless you are in it.
How is one to wrap their brain around this way of living? How is one to shut down everything you know of a life, and carry on? I have done my absolute best to make peace with this situation, but it is getting harder and harder with each passing day. More to come on that, but I just don't know how to do it. It has been over two years, and now is harder than it has ever been for us. From the moment we made the decision to carry on, now is the time I feared most in my head. Now is where I hoped we would never be. Right here. Right now.
Anyway, for all of the above reasons, this is why we love Rainey so much. She is life. She is constantly filling our broken souls. She is our interaction. She is able to show happiness, excitement and love. She is the one who is bouncing off our walls, and doing crazy funny things. She is the light that has not gone out.
As I write all this, I of course have tears streaming down my face. I know darn well this is not Aviana's fault. I know if she could, she would. I know she doesn't want to be like this, or be unable to do all this. I know she is just trying to have a life too. I look at her, and cry as all she wants is some joy too. I know she would never have chosen this life for herself. I know she, of all people, does not deserve this. I know she wants what we all want, love and happiness. I know. I know she just wants to be loved. I know. Is it Aviana's fault that others can express themselves and she can't? NO! Is it fair that Rainey, or anything or anyone else can fill a soul so completely and she can't? NO! I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I quadruple times infinity know this is not her fault!!
I have all day to think about the nuts and bolts, and every single angle of this whole entire thing. And you know what, that doesn't help, because in the end...it all doesn't matter because this IS, WHAT IS. We cannot change what is, and therefore we keep on going. We keep on doing the best we can, but that is not ever going to stop me from saying how this feels. That's what I always want to know from others, what does that feel like?? Well, this is what this feels like to us!
We of course love Aviana, but it is just so different. We love holding her and loving on her, but she doesn't feed us in a certain way. And there is no way around it. Well shouldn't the point be you feeding her? Well, we always do the best we can. She is sweet and cute, but all of the stark reality surrounding her is just too much to bear sometimes.
If you are here ~ ~ ~ ~ I know this was all over the place, but that is how I feel lately. Thank you so much for staying with me, and listening to me.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Hot Tub Rainey Machine
I tried. I tried my best to narrow these pictures down, and this is what I came up with. I have a sickness and her name is Rainey.
A few years after we moved into our house, we bought a hot tub. We haven't been using it in a number of years, and even considered getting rid of it. Rainey has made it her spot. She jumps up there, basks in the sun, smells the flowers, runs around in circles (causing all of the scratch marks), sniffs the fresh air, gazes above at the birds, looks through the fence at the neighbors, I have even caught her with her paws up on the fence looking over at them. Can you imagine seeing a dog head looking over the fence at you.
She has caused the hot tub to provide much more joy, than actually using it ever did. Many of these were taken on a number of different days.
I have also seen her lounging in the chairs many times, too.
Just make yourself comfortable girl.
Up Close and Personal
You might remember that we are going to the Gary Allan concert on September 11. A few days ago, I signed up for a chance to win a Meet and Greet. I have signed up for three previous shows I went to, and have never been chosen.
From the moment I submitted this one, I had this overwhelmingly good feeling about it. I felt with how bad my past days had been, I would be thrown this amazing bone. Once I realized that, fear and anxiety set in. What was I going to wear? What if I was shaking in my boots? What if I said something stupid? All these dumb thoughts were channeling through my mind...
From the moment I submitted this one, I had this overwhelmingly good feeling about it. I felt with how bad my past days had been, I would be thrown this amazing bone. Once I realized that, fear and anxiety set in. What was I going to wear? What if I was shaking in my boots? What if I said something stupid? All these dumb thoughts were channeling through my mind...
I'm your number one fan.
So, do you just love country music?
So, do you just love country music?
Hi, I like your jeans.
You complete me.
You're awesome.
I love you.
Did you know you are at the top of my list?
I think you're cool.
Hi. {crickets}
I must have been thinking all these thoughts as I went to sleep the other night, because I had some crazy dreams. I had won the Meet and Greet, was at the concert, saw him, and thought...don't say something stupid! Don't say something stupid! And then I said it....I put my hand out (in my dream) and said, "Hi, welcome to Reno." WHAT??? Did I just say that???? I dream vividly, and in extreme detail, so it was just a weird night all the way around...
So anyway, I woke up that morning, laughed at my funny brain and all its craziness, and carried on with my day. At about noon, I sat down at the computer, and there staring me in the face was an e-mail confirmation that I had indeed been chosen for the Meet and Greet. Oh.my.gosh! A perfect combination of excitement and fear set in.
In nine days I will be face to face with one of my very favorite people on earth!! Wish me luck. Luck that I don't trip and fall off my shoes ~or~ say something completely lame ;o) What I fear most is saying all these dumb things, and neglecting to accurately articulate all the things I really want to say, like how much he means to me, what an influence he has been in dealing with his own personal tragedy and most importantly, how much his music has helped to get me through some of my darkest days.
If you are new to our site. You might just find how much I respect and admire this man here, and here, or here, or here, or here, or maybe here, or here, or here, or here, and even here, and here, and here, or here, and here, or here, and once again here, oh and here, and there, and here, and who could forget here, and here, and last but certainly not least, here.
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