It's No Wonder

I have so much to say about these two joining together on the same day. I can only manage though in small increments. Mostly because I am in a place of sheer awe and wonderment.

I took Kama's death incredibly hard. Many understood, some could not. I not only took the full force for me alone, but also for Aviana. You see, from the moment Kama and Aviana met - sparks flew. Energetic, magnetic, exciting, electrifying, and just plain glowing sparks. Kama had never before experienced anything like Aviana. Aviana was a little ball of life, love, energy, and spit. Kama allowed her to be exactly who she was. Kama was the perfect balance -gentle when needed, with just the right rough when Aviana wanted. Aviana had never experienced a dog before. She was both mesmerized and mystified. Then, she wanted to get her play on! Together the two became one, and set the world awhirl.

When Kama got sick and left us, my tears were both for Aviana and me. My mind was ablaze. The past, present, and future cycled rapidly - and without notice - would creep to a winding slow.

In the past, Kama was there for Aviana in ways I couldn't be. For so long, I wasn't able to bond with Aviana. So while Dave was at work, I was home taking care of her. All I ever wanted was to be a stay at home mom, so I had all day to make it happen! I would go to bed every night thinking and planning (I, the former control freak, who thought the world could be mapped and planned. Now I laugh) all the ways I could really bond with her. I would think of all the things we would do the next day, and how they would be so much fun : ) I would wake the next morning fresh, and ready for the day - sweet child o' mine on hip. By about 9:24am (yes am) that perfectly planned day would be flat on its face. Every last bit... gone!

And in all of my failed attempts, guess who was right by Aviana's side? The one who was always there for her - Kama. When I couldn't, she could, and did. And now, tears fall as I type these words, or anytime these thoughts flash across. I used to hug Kama and thank her for loving Aviana, and I used to kiss Aviana and apologize for not being able to be there for her in the way she so deserved. I felt awful. No matter all the help I tried, nothing seemed to worked. I was running uphill and beating my head against a wall. Those beginning years were rough! This beautiful little girl, always a gift from the first day, coupled with a mother who could not love her the way a mother should. I wish I could whisper to my then self, "just stop trying, surrender to what is and everything will fall into place."

Anyway, Kama loved her all day and night. You know how dogs sense exactly what's going on and step up and in. Kama did so every moment. Kama not only was there to love Aviana when she needed that deep down daytime affection, but the two would play hard as well. But you know what? Kama did something else, something incredible. She served as Aviana and my liaison. Because we both loved Kama so, she could silently bring the two of us together. While Dave was at work, we both found a great love between the three of us. Effortlessly, Kama was working her magic. I should have followed her lead from the beginning. I would have come a lot further, faster : )

This is one of my favorite pictures of Aviana. It really captures her spirit.

When Kama got sick and left us, the present terrified me. During our long, exhausting days on The Institute program, Kama was our source of love, life, and strength. If she were to be gone, what the hell did we have left during our days. I worried deeply about the two of us. I really worried about Aviana as she had no way of really expressing her feelings, or emotions. I was expressing mine all over the place. I felt she was trapped in her little body, and had just lost the best friend she'd ever known. She sure found a way though.

I talked to Aviana a great deal during that time, and after, but I'm sure she was crushed. I know she was crushed, as the first real time she got to voice her feelings, that's just what she did, and in a BIG way!

We later slowed and then stopped Aviana's program, as she showed zero signs of improvement. At this time, Kama's void was most apparent. Rainey has always loved Aviana, but sadly that love was never reciprocated. It's been more than obvious from day 1 - Aviana's loyalty lies with one, and one only. Aviana is not at ease with Rainey. She doesn't really want her near and gets downright upset with her. It has always been sad to see, but it's all very clear now. Finally, we understand.

When Kama got sick and left us, I feared the future. One of the things I struggled with most when Aviana was here, was the times I couldn't be with her - reading, holding, caring for, etc. In those times, Kama was always there for her, right up beside her. Every time I had to pay bills, get ready, or do other things around the house - I looked at the two of them and felt at ease. Aviana was taken care of. After Kama was gone, I never felt that way again. Every time I was pulled away, a glance over was most certainly met with a look of loneliness or sadness. In my absence, she had no one for the down times between visitors. She was truly solo. And solo in a body that didn't work is a difficult place to be.

Many other families with our kinds of kids have siblings to entertain, maybe lift their spirits, maybe have a child who enjoys this life more, is not so severely hurt, a combination of many or all, I don't know. I only speak for our situation, as it's the only one I know and lived. Anyhow, this put a ton of pressure on me. I knew I had to do something, because I couldn't face the brain injury in all its glory and keep her content all day long. I was so grateful when she started a few days in school. They were wonderful with Aviana, and I felt a release from some of the pressure. Rainey tried her best, but as I said, Aviana wasn't completely having it.

We always knew Kama was her one true love. Dave and I are stuck to Rainey like glue and are thankful for her every day of our lives. We always joked about how Aviana was one tough cookie and Rainey just couldn't break through no matter how hard she tried. This was usually how her real attempts ended.

In light of our girls joining together on the same date, Dave and I have been able to take a step back and realize the magnitude of what really took place. I apologize, we will never fully grasp the enormity, but we now have more clarity. We traced back through time, pictures and memory and realized - once Kama was gone, Aviana got much worse.

The two were inseparable. Until the end, and into a new beginning. 

In sickness… 

They always had to be touching.

Aviana would turn and work to lean into Kama.

Aviana would move her arms so she was always touching Kama.

See how straight her arms used to be...

Kama helped her tremendously through therapy. A long time ago, she used to actually use Kama's fur to pull herself up on top of her. In all these recent years, we can't even fathom that.

Kama was always licking her hands, arms, feet and legs. As if she were trying to heal her, or let her know it was okay. Aviana never minded. She actually liked it. 

If Rainey licks her, she's instantly pissed. We always felt so bad for Rainey, but as I said…it all makes perfect sense now.

Her reward after a hard day of therapy, and especially patterning.

And in health… 

When Aviana was too small to get on the couch, she used Kama as a step stool. 

From the day they met, Kama watched over our girl. 

She never stopped.

Circle of Love

My mind has a memory. As October approached the gears began to shift. With Aviana's refusal gaining steam, so did my thought process. Could this really be happening? Were two going to become one? On that very same day? Would these best friends meet once again in this most inexplicable way? No. How could that be? I've most certainly let my mind wander off into oblivion. With my heart pounding, it was clear - the thought was far too much.

I couldn't shake it though. As Aviana and I sat and stared deeply into each other's eyes, my holdback finally broke. I lowered myself closer to her and whispered, "Baby, is Kama coming back for you? Tell me, are you waiting to join her on the 26th? Is this your plan?"

I always took great comfort in the thought of the two of them being reunited, but this deep down early feeling took hold of me in an unexplainable way. I fully understood the magnitude of just how much extra peace this would bring us. With this vision tucked away, I held Aviana tight and cried - both sad and happy tears.

At the time, the possibility was much too far off in the distance. I wanted to put the very same amount of space between this notion, and the remainder of my brain. I couldn't get my hopes up.

In one of our earliest Hospice meetings, our doctor gave examples of what the very end of life was like. He spoke of some people having visions of their dogs coming back for them. I lost it. The tears weren't the rolling kind, but were of the unstoppable spilling variety. Every thought of just how close these two were flooded my head and heart at the very same time. I had to leave the table for a moment. I could barely breathe, see, speak - anything. This newly colored mental picture, coupled with my previous inkling, all became too much to bear! I was about to collapse. Face meet floor. Floor meet face!

We soon spoke to our Hospice nurse and social worker. In reveling our thoughts about our two girls, it became clear. It seemed like a pipe dream that would likely go up in smoke. We didn't think Aviana could make it that long because she had decided to stop eating altogether.

The days continued on though. Aviana was focused, alert and attentive. We continued in loving her, reading, taking her on walks, to the park, and so forth.

About three days prior to her death, it was apparent - we should never have doubted her. When Aviana sets her mind on something, she accomplishes it. Aviana was always methodical in everything she did. If she was opening a Christmas present, watching cartoons, doing a puzzle, or getting dressed… methodical. She always put great attention and detail into everything. She was the most determined little soul. As you all know, she was tough too. She showed every one of her truest qualities, especially in her last days.

On the morning of the 25th, her 15th day without, she didn't fully wake. We knew she was finally making her transition. She was calm and peaceful, just as she had been the entire time. This was also the very first day we stayed in bed with her. We cycled through her books - all into the night.

Because she doesn't like anyone sleeping with her, we understood the reality of what was to come. We said goodnight to her at about 10:30. We kissed her goodnight, and what we knew was goodbye. It was one of the hardest moments of our entire lives.

At about 1:45am I couldn't take it anymore. I had to check on her. If she had already passed, I couldn't handle the thought of leaving her until morning!! I talked to Dave and he agreed.

I went in and her breathing had changed a little. I crawled into bed with her. I kissed her head, hugged her, and told her she made it! It was the 26th. I knew I wasn't telling her anything she didn't already know. I told her how much we loved her and how proud I was of her. I told her how I've never met anyone like her, and never will. I told her how there was so much I just didn't understand before I met her, but especially before the accident. I explained that I wouldn't trade one moment of the last 4 years for anything. I thanked her for being here and all she had taught me, especially after the accident. I told her I would never stop learning from her, and I would do my best to continue to share her. I tried so hard not to cry as I told her how much we would miss her, but how I would smile as I thought of her and Kama running and playing just as they used to!

I laid with her for a couple more minutes in silence, but I knew, as much I so badly wanted to stay wrapped up with her, I had to leave - for her.

I snuck in there one more time after 2am. A calm came over me. The last thing I said to her was that we were okay. I said it was her time to be with Kama. I told her how much we loved her and kissed her goodnight and goodbye, one last time.

I went in again at about 5:50am and she was gone. Our baby was gone. I didn't cry. I felt an overwhelming peace. I crawled back onto our bed with Dave and slowly woke him up. I whispered to him, "Honey, she's gone."

Our girls were both 7 years old, and joined each other on the very same day - 3 years apart.

Kama Hodder

November 16 ~ October 26

Aviana Hodder

August 16 ~ October 26

Do not weep for me when I no longer dwell

among the wonders of the earth; 

for my larger self is free, 

and my soul rejoices on the other side of pain -

on the other side of darkness.

Do not weep for me, 

for I am a ray of sunshine that touches your skin, 

a tropical breeze upon your face, 

the hush of joy within your heart.

I am the hope in a darkened night. 

And in your hour of need, I will be there to comfort you.

I will share your tears, your joys, your fears,

your disappointments and your triumphs.

Do not weep for me, for I am with you;

I am peace, love, I am a soft wind that caresses the flowers.

I am the calm that follows a raging storm.

I am an autumns leaf that floats among the garden of God,

and I am pure white snow that softly falls upon your hand.

Do not weep for me, for I shall never die,

as long as you remember me…

with a smile and a sigh.

 ~ Joe Fazio - adapted