Sunday, November 3, 2013

It's No Wonder

I have so much to say about these two joining together on the same day. I can only manage though in small increments. Mostly because I am in a place of sheer awe and wonderment.

I took Kama's death incredibly hard. Many understood, some could not. I not only took the full force for me alone, but also for Aviana. You see, from the moment Kama and Aviana met - sparks flew. Energetic, magnetic, exciting, electrifying, and just plain glowing sparks. Kama had never before experienced anything like Aviana. Aviana was a little ball of life, love, energy, and spit. Kama allowed her to be exactly who she was. Kama was the perfect balance -gentle when needed, with just the right rough when Aviana wanted. Aviana had never experienced a dog before. She was both mesmerized and mystified. Then, she wanted to get her play on! Together the two became one, and set the world awhirl.

When Kama got sick and left us, my tears were both for Aviana and me. My mind was ablaze. The past, present, and future cycled rapidly - and without notice - would creep to a winding slow.

In the past, Kama was there for Aviana in ways I couldn't be. For so long, I wasn't able to bond with Aviana. So while Dave was at work, I was home taking care of her. All I ever wanted was to be a stay at home mom, so I had all day to make it happen! I would go to bed every night thinking and planning (I, the former control freak, who thought the world could be mapped and planned. Now I laugh) all the ways I could really bond with her. I would think of all the things we would do the next day, and how they would be so much fun : ) I would wake the next morning fresh, and ready for the day - sweet child o' mine on hip. By about 9:24am (yes am) that perfectly planned day would be flat on its face. Every last bit... gone!

And in all of my failed attempts, guess who was right by Aviana's side? The one who was always there for her - Kama. When I couldn't, she could, and did. And now, tears fall as I type these words, or anytime these thoughts flash across. I used to hug Kama and thank her for loving Aviana, and I used to kiss Aviana and apologize for not being able to be there for her in the way she so deserved. I felt awful. No matter all the help I tried, nothing seemed to worked. I was running uphill and beating my head against a wall. Those beginning years were rough! This beautiful little girl, always a gift from the first day, coupled with a mother who could not love her the way a mother should. I wish I could whisper to my then self, "just stop trying, surrender to what is and everything will fall into place."

Anyway, Kama loved her all day and night. You know how dogs sense exactly what's going on and step up and in. Kama did so every moment. Kama not only was there to love Aviana when she needed that deep down daytime affection, but the two would play hard as well. But you know what? Kama did something else, something incredible. She served as Aviana and my liaison. Because we both loved Kama so, she could silently bring the two of us together. While Dave was at work, we both found a great love between the three of us. Effortlessly, Kama was working her magic. I should have followed her lead from the beginning. I would have come a lot further, faster : )

This is one of my favorite pictures of Aviana. It really captures her spirit.

When Kama got sick and left us, the present terrified me. During our long, exhausting days on The Institute program, Kama was our source of love, life, and strength. If she were to be gone, what the hell did we have left during our days. I worried deeply about the two of us. I really worried about Aviana as she had no way of really expressing her feelings, or emotions. I was expressing mine all over the place. I felt she was trapped in her little body, and had just lost the best friend she'd ever known. She sure found a way though.

I talked to Aviana a great deal during that time, and after, but I'm sure she was crushed. I know she was crushed, as the first real time she got to voice her feelings, that's just what she did, and in a BIG way!

We later slowed and then stopped Aviana's program, as she showed zero signs of improvement. At this time, Kama's void was most apparent. Rainey has always loved Aviana, but sadly that love was never reciprocated. It's been more than obvious from day 1 - Aviana's loyalty lies with one, and one only. Aviana is not at ease with Rainey. She doesn't really want her near and gets downright upset with her. It has always been sad to see, but it's all very clear now. Finally, we understand.

When Kama got sick and left us, I feared the future. One of the things I struggled with most when Aviana was here, was the times I couldn't be with her - reading, holding, caring for, etc. In those times, Kama was always there for her, right up beside her. Every time I had to pay bills, get ready, or do other things around the house - I looked at the two of them and felt at ease. Aviana was taken care of. After Kama was gone, I never felt that way again. Every time I was pulled away, a glance over was most certainly met with a look of loneliness or sadness. In my absence, she had no one for the down times between visitors. She was truly solo. And solo in a body that didn't work is a difficult place to be.

Many other families with our kinds of kids have siblings to entertain, maybe lift their spirits, maybe have a child who enjoys this life more, is not so severely hurt, a combination of many or all, I don't know. I only speak for our situation, as it's the only one I know and lived. Anyhow, this put a ton of pressure on me. I knew I had to do something, because I couldn't face the brain injury in all its glory and keep her content all day long. I was so grateful when she started a few days in school. They were wonderful with Aviana, and I felt a release from some of the pressure. Rainey tried her best, but as I said, Aviana wasn't completely having it.

We always knew Kama was her one true love. Dave and I are stuck to Rainey like glue and are thankful for her every day of our lives. We always joked about how Aviana was one tough cookie and Rainey just couldn't break through no matter how hard she tried. This was usually how her real attempts ended.

In light of our girls joining together on the same date, Dave and I have been able to take a step back and realize the magnitude of what really took place. I apologize, we will never fully grasp the enormity, but we now have more clarity. We traced back through time, pictures and memory and realized - once Kama was gone, Aviana got much worse.

The two were inseparable. Until the end, and into a new beginning. 

In sickness… 

They always had to be touching.

Aviana would turn and work to lean into Kama.

Aviana would move her arms so she was always touching Kama.

See how straight her arms used to be...

Kama helped her tremendously through therapy. A long time ago, she used to actually use Kama's fur to pull herself up on top of her. In all these recent years, we can't even fathom that.

Kama was always licking her hands, arms, feet and legs. As if she were trying to heal her, or let her know it was okay. Aviana never minded. She actually liked it. 

If Rainey licks her, she's instantly pissed. We always felt so bad for Rainey, but as I said…it all makes perfect sense now.

Her reward after a hard day of therapy, and especially patterning.

And in health… 

When Aviana was too small to get on the couch, she used Kama as a step stool. 

From the day they met, Kama watched over our girl. 

She never stopped.


  1. Jen & Dave,
    Grieving yet rejoicing with you. You lived and continue to live one of the greatest love stories.
    The pictures are priceless !

    Aviana, you changed my world! XOXO

    Cindy in nc

  2. Oh my gosh- this is so beautiful. Avi's face with Rainy says it all. This is the most incredible story I've ever heard. I'm so glad Avi had her Kama now.

  3. I didn't want this post to end!

    I lovelovelove looking at the pictures of them easy to see the special bond of love they shared!! Such an incredible story ♥♥

  4. Even though you might think you were not the perfect parent, look at Avi's smile in the first two pics. I think she was just fine.
    I believe those two were meant to be together and whoever writes the scripts for our lives, made it happen as it was supposed to.
    I, too, am loving the pictures, especially the ones I've never seen.

  5. What a beautiful relationship, Im glad they have each other!

  6. Oh I'm bawling. What a love they had. <3

  7. Jen, this is incredibly beautiful and so moving. Wow! They sure loved each other. So amazing. And you have so many wonderful photos of the two of them <3

  8. I didnt want it to end either. Seeing these pictures says it all. They are now together forever, always being able to touch each other, run together, kiss each other, and they are both watching over their parents. Just beautiful and amazing all in one.

  9. I reminds me of my Grandma and Grandpa. She was gone within 2 years of my Grandpa's surprise death. They always thought she would go first because she was so much older than him. Anyways, she was a picture of health prior to his passing and she contracted pancreatic cancer and died within weeks. I dreamed of both of them together again, in heaven. Visiting them at their home. They were just continuing to live their lives and they let me know I would see them some time long in the future. I am sure Kama and Aviana are keeping themselves busy until they can meet up with you, Dave, the GP's and Rainey again. They are waiting on the other side of that window, now. :) It really is beautiful to actually witness such vivid witnessing of the larger order of this universe. Humbling. And, I am sure, Kama is teaching Aviana that Rainey rocks and is completely part of the family. :) Thank you for sharing such truth with me and others.

  10. Wow...just Wow. So nice to think of them together again!!

  11. Forgive me for what I am about to say. Please. The words that people used after Trina died that pissed me off the most were "peace", "comfort", "gift" and a few others.

    I'm about to say those. Please don't slap me too hard.

    What a comfort it must be to know your two precious babies left the same day.
    I can only imagine that it will bring you peace in the days, months, years to come.

    Gift. Nope. Can't use it.

    We all love you so much and we all love Aviana so much and we all love Rainey so much.

  12. The pictures are a window into Aviana and Kama's story. Having always followed your post, never really saw "into" the pictures until today. The smiles and her face around Kama and Rainey, poor Rainey. Jen you are an amazing mom/woman and share so much with us and yes we cry when you cry and cry when you are happy. Thank you for still sharing your family with us as your family starts a new path in life. Still loving my Aviana fix. Thank you xoxo Julie n Texas

  13. Such amazing friends, such amazing soul mates.

  14. Leah is right. What amazing friends & soul mates!

    I went through a very similar situation after our daughter came home also. I can relate to what you said - "I wish I could whisper to my then self, "just stop trying, surrender to what is and everything will fall into place for you." "

    God brought both of them together. And then he brought them back together *again*. I am in awe of the way everything unfolded. I remember how sad it was when Kama passed on. Now though because of that Avi is able to be with her. I am happy when I think about them together. I am so very sorry though that everything is the way it is. I wish Avi & Kama were still happy and healthy and with ya'll. But you and Dave will join them someday and you'll all be together again. What a glorious day that will be!

  15. A picture really is worth a thousand words. Is this not the best love story ever?! The connection that shines through theses photos is palpable. Really finding it hard to find words to describe the feelings I have about these two. They really are an extension of each other. Always touching, always in harmony. Perfection!

  16. I will never forget Aviana amazing how a little girl who I have never met from the other side of the world will stay with me for life. She is such a character I just feel like I know her from reading your blog x

  17. What a glorious reunion in heaven that must have been!

  18. Beautiful! <3 Such an amazing journey these two share! Precious moments! Aren't you glad you were such a Mommarazzi!?! :) They are reunited again and are running free!!
    We sure miss you, sweet Avi~
    Lots of love & hugs,
    Saundra & Rylee Richards

  19. I can't imagine anyone who sees these pictures and not understand and then add your words to Two pure precious souls.

  20. Thank you for sharing Aviana and Kama with us.

  21. Absolutely beautiful. Every word you write. Beautiful. Every emotion you share; even when you have raw feelings, your description and ability to present your experiences in an understandable and impactful way; beautiful. Every photo; powerful and certainly beautiful. I am taken by your strength at being vulnerable and your ability to draw from others in a meaningful way when it is meaningful to you. Your eloquence and perspective are remarkable. While I am but a distant reader, I felt compelled to pass on my condolences, and also relay to you my respect.

    1. Wow! I was absolutely taken by your comment! Comments such as yours keep me on track in taking my writing to the next level : ) Thank you so very much!

  22. Jen and Dave, we are deeply saddened upon hearing of Aviana's passing. We had no idea this was happening. My heart goes out to you. I have been scrolling through and catching up on posts to see what was going on. I can't stop crying yet know she is free from pain and discomfort now. She was such a blessed little girl to have you as never stopped fighting the good fight, the necessary fight. I wish I could give you a big hug! We have been praying for comfort and peace for you and Dave during this time. Please let us know if we can do anything.

    1. Awww, thank you so much! I appreciate every word. Thank you. Yes, we were just as blessed to have her : ) We miss her dearly, but are so very happy she is free!

      I hope you are doing well. We wish you a happy, healthy 2014!