Friday, February 7, 2014

You Take the Good...You Take the Bad

Part Two

Time Keeps on Ticking

The cuffs were clinked. As time went on, Aviana and I continued to respectively and progressively decline. She, in her eating. Me, in other ways. I couldn't tell what was from what.

I should preface the rest by saying, yes! I'm well aware of the Where the Sidewalk Ends, 'Sick' correlation. I was reverted back to my childhood with every cycle of the mind. My headache medication had side effects. I had lost about a third of my hair, and it was dry as a bone. Tink (that's my hair breaking off). My previously super strong nails - were paper-thin. My back was all kinds of bad. My entire right leg had been hurting for over a year. Both my hips were causing me problems, especially my right. Was it from carrying and transferring Aviana all the time, or was it from the medication? I wasn't sure.

My face was breaking out at an alarming rate. I tried what seemed like everything. Was it from my medication? Stress and grief? Both? I finally decided to start cutting my medication, but very slowly so as not to cause problems with my head. My face wasn't getting any better. Dave kept telling me, "you know what works, just do it…it will clear up instantly!" He was telling me to go back on the birth control pill. I didn't want to take another pill as I was already bummed about having to take the headache medication. My face got to an all time bad, so I finally bee lined to the computer and called it in. It was 4 months before Aviana died. I took them for 3 months. Nothing. Zero. Zilch. A big, fat goose egg. I stopped and guess what? A ton of my hair fell out in the front, on the sides and on top of my hair. Small patches…gone! Awesome. Sometimes, I would attempt to fix one thing, and mess up another. In some ways, I felt like I was falling to pieces. 

This scar runs deep.

If it had to do with Aviana, I was pretty much spot on. It's as though I saved all my brainpower for her, and all her various entities. With everything else, there were numerous slips and slides. That being said, I accidentally let one side of our life insurance lapse so I needed to do all the blood work again. It all came back perfect. Even though it was on paper and in black and white, I didn't believe it. Deep down, and at a level I wasn't even aware of, I learned I'm kind of scarred from this whole experience. In passing, it was brought to my attention that I may have trust issues because of the way some things have gone down with a few of Aviana's doctors over the years. I know I need to get over it. I'm trying, but I think I need more help. A bad cycle of events, wouldn't you say?

Anyway, as the rest of the story goes, I contacted my doctor and ordered more blood work, all the ones I thought were missing from the life insurance paperwork. They all came out perfect. I still wasn't settled. I still thought something severe was wrong with me. I made appointments for my leg, hips, etc. He checked for various things, talked about Aviana and then suggested an anti-anxiety medication. I don't think so. I mean, I know I had some anxiety issues, but the last thing I wanted was another pill. I was okay for about a week or so after that appointment, but then, I tell you...old habits die hard.

When the lights went down...I still thought it had to be cancer. That common right leg kind. I was a Googling maniac, checking every symptom possible. Right leg pain. Right hip pain. Kidney cancer, you name it…I was searching. I would spin off into oblivion some nights. My thought process was always the same - 'if I could catch it early enough, Stage 1, I would be back to caring for Aviana in no time.' But honestly, I couldn't tell what was from what. Are you screaming at the screen right now? "Someone should have shoved the pill down your throat! Sheesh!"

My last thought as my exhausted digits would release the stupid phone for the night was usually, 'crap, you're screwed! Worrying about cancer causes cancer. Congratulations dumba**!' By day I was usually okay. By out! Anxiety city!

Other fun and games.

I have commitment issues, which I'm trying to work through. I believe tomorrow is not promised and we may all be dead, so why plan for it! It's both a good and bad thing. 

I have a short attention span and can't seem to concentrate on what I'm doing for long (e.g., I have about 7 blog posts started, but never finished).

While Aviana was here, and something did go wrong, my mind immediately went to the worst-case scenario. The worst happened. The worst outcome, and the worst ending. My mind is conditioned and needs to be broken. I need a reset button back to how my mind worked before. Dave isn't like that though, he still thinks rationally. He helps me.

While at the same time as feeling completely alive, I feel emotionally and physically drained from all we've been through in the past 4.5 years. This past year especially took everything I had, and in every way possible. There were many times I wondered how I was going to make it through. The love and pain were at their absolute strongest, but the duality of our decision in letting her go and then actually carrying it out was unbelievable. I knew something had to give though. Aviana and I had an unreal, non-verbal connection. We spoke each other's language all day long. She was an extension of me, as I was of her. For better or worse, round and round we went. We are still an extension of each other, but for better only. I feel pain, but finally it's in a healthy, resolved way, which makes all the difference. We traveled our intended path, but now, both our souls are finally at rest.

A new day...a new way!

There has been way more good that's come of our experience than bad! If you're still reading this book, the next post is about what's come of all of this. 


  1. Looking fwd to the next post :)

  2. I will never stop reading your posts. Your strength, faith, and incredible endurance continues to speak to me. You are still teaching this old Grammy. Vicki from the Memphis area

  3. Jen, Thank you for continuing to share with us all the little and big lessons that Aviana taught you and in turn continues to teach us about unconditional love and a love so deep between a child and her mother.
    I love reading your blog, only because I can feel love, sometimes sadness, sometimes anger and sometimes hope and I know since I have followed since the beginning of your journey that those feelings are real and genuine. Again thank you for sharing Avi with us, she has changed my world.
    Love & Hugs XOXO
    cindy in nc

    1. Thank you so much for being here...from the beginning. It means the world to me. Honestly.

  4. Wow, I can't get over how much I am like you. I think your brain is like my brain. It's kinda freaky. I worry I have cancer because I know myself and I would never survive chemotherapy. I am a pansy and end up at the ER for fluids over a stomach virus. It doesn't help that an acquaintance of mine, younger than me, and seemingly healthy found out last month that she has thyroid cancer which has already spread to her lymph nodes. I sent you an email a few minutes ago. Love you!

    1. I feel so sad for your friend! Thank you so much for your email! I love every word and am - for sure - going to write you back : ) : )

      I love you Channe. And hey, of course I knew it was need to say who...I know you!! ; )

  5. A long time ago I came across your blog and I followed for a while. I honestly never thought Avis would pass away. Reading that she has passed made me feel dizzy. I'm so very sorry. She was a darling angel. God really blessed you with her presence.

    1. Thank you so very much for your kind words. I completely agree with you...a darling angel, and blessed we were, and are : ) You're so right ❤