Saturday, November 9, 2013

We Are Too

Two weeks ago this morning, I walked into Aviana's room. My senses became aware of two distinct things; silence and stillness. I knew immediately, Aviana was gone. She was free; free of everything that had bound her so tightly. I remember exhaling an inhale I had unknowingly been holding for what seemed forever. I slowly walked over to her, not with dread, or sadness or anything of the sort, but relaxed and with relief; maybe the kind she experienced as she made her final accent. I felt a sense of peace wash over me. A lightness I hadn't felt since the accident.

In the days since, Dave and I have both been good. From reading all of your well-received comments, I think you probably understand the good. Our story is different; maybe from other loss patterns. Because Aviana is finally at peace, we are too. After all these years, I am finally at peace. I feel I've been walking around with a huge, heavy weight around my neck. I compare it to how Aviana could barely hold her head. I feel like I was subconsciously mirroring her, like I was a reflection of her. Now that she is free, so am I. 

While she was here, I was in constant conflict. For many reasons, I was at odds. I know I've talked extensively on here about endlessly loving Aviana, but struggling with the constant pain of seeing the writing on the wall. Finally, the conflict has fallen away. Just as she is no longer bound to her body, I am no longer to the internal battle. I am thankful. 

Dave went back to work for most of this week after being home for three. It was a little strange to dismantle, but we three did fine. We manage through any sadness with positivity. Some unexpected grief which surfaced after Aviana passed was of her before the accident. We thought we had fully grieved for that girl years ago. It's quite complex losing two girls in one, but actually I suppose it can also be okay, if you let it.

We manage through any sad times with thoughts of Aviana whole and running wild. They are further sealed with a smile on her face and a certain dog at her side. Thoughts of our former Aviana are helped along in knowing this was to be her journey here on earth. I push through knowing I will make sure to never let Aviana's story or spirit die along with her. I will do my best to never let anyone forget the little girl who taught volumes, although never spoke a word in her more recent years. I will also never stop living my life in honor of her. Her time may have been short, but her legacy will last a lifetime!

So those are just some of the things that help carry me through the sad. And to be honest, they are just moments. I had an idea, but I didn't really have any idea just how much her broken state affected me. Multiple times a day, I catch myself smiling at the fact that she isn't having to endure this life anymore. I worried all too much about the state of a little girl who could never fully tell me. While she sat alone, I saw the sad and lonely on her face, and in her eyes. We all did the best we could to include her, to hold her, to love her, but there's only so much we could do. She is now being taken care of by the greatest caretaker of all. And for the first time in 4.5 years, I know something with 100% certainty. For that I am eternally grateful. In light of everything - how could I possibly stay sad for long? I can't and I don't. 

18 comments:

  1. Y'all are so amazing and you are so right about Aviana, she will never be forgotten! It is a beautiful thought of her free and running and playing with Kama. I can also see them watching over you and smiling to know that she was so lucky to have all of you as her family! You are such an awesome person Jen :-)
    Julie

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  2. I know she is OK and it makes me happy to know that you are, too.
    XOXO
    Dixie

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  3. Again, I'm so amazed by your Grace and dignity that was beautiful.

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  4. So great to see you writing and doing well. I, too, firmly believe that the best way to honor the people we loved, that are not longer with us, is to live a good, full life. Wishing you both lots and lots of happy!
    Isabel

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  5. It's so good to hear your "voice". You & Dave are such awesome people. I admire your outlook on life! I am forever changed as a person and mother because of Avi's life and your family!

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  6. Speechless. I ~knew~ you were ok but I love KNOWING you're more than ok, you are free. Avi is free. You are all where you are supposed to be, including Kama. Can you imagine the thought of Aviana not being with her Kama? You, my dear, are the epitome of "everything happens for a reason." I can see why now. You are just so amazing. All three of you are. I love you so much. I have no words.

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  7. Your words are so inspiring. Your strength is unbelievable. I am in awe of you. I am so glad you are doing well. I found your blog through Cameo’s. I for one will never forget Avi's story. Thank you for sharing her so we all could love her and y’all.

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  8. I've been here for ages following your story. Thank you for sharing your journey. It's taken me so long to send my condolences, as I can't think of a single thing to say.

    But, thank you. Thank you for letting Avi fill my heart. Thank you for the honesty. Thank you.

    I wish you and Dave and everyone in your life peace and joy. I hope you'll continue to blog & let us watch you flourish and continue your journey.

    Peace.

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    1. Thank you so much for writing. I think your words are perfectly beautiful : )

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  9. I cannot wait to see how God uses you and Dave in the lives of others. Avi's purpose in life was fulfilled, and yet yall were left to continue the story. So many times we do not understand the reason for these kinds of things, but I pray that you continue to be used for many years to uplift, to hold hands, and simply to minister to others going through similar situations. I have followed your story from the beginning. My two precious granddaughters are 11 and 9; they are both adopted from Guatemala. I am so grateful that in His own way, God wrote you and Avi into my little story. God bless you. Vicki, Grammy in Memphis

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    1. Hi Vicki - I agree with everything you said. I am so happy you found us, and we found you too! I have loved every single one of your comments! Thank you!

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  10. Jen and Dave,
    I have followed your story since that horrible day so many years ago. I have prayed for Avi and you so often and then our own family had a tragedy which caused me to not check in for a month. And your Avi transitioned during that time. We just went through the same thing. It is true that you feel happy for Avi as we do for our mom. They are the ones in a good place with all their loved ones. We just need to learn to live with them on a different plane. God bless you, Dave and Rainey. I hope only good things for you.

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    1. Jan ~

      I have been thinking about you since the moment you left your comment. I find it so interesting to be going through the same thing at the same time. Isn't it the strangest mix to be so happy for them - knowing they are just fine, actually much better than just fine! It sure does help through the sad moments. I am so very sorry for your tragedy. Please know I will continue to hold you and your family close.

      Thank you so very much for following along from the very beginning.

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  11. I remember reading a post someone had written about their baby that passed. He was born with a genetic defect, and had to struggle for the 100 or so days that he was here. As he was transitioning, the mother asked the nurse why she didn't feel sad. Why the air in the room felt light, instead of heavy as if they were mourning. The nurse replied "it is because you are celebrating his life." Of course they grieved their young son, and still do. But they also feel relief, they feel a lightness, and they want to continue reaching out to others in his name.

    Grieve how you need to grieve...even if it is in the middle of the Whole Foods produce section. Let the tears out when they need to be cried, and celebrate her life. We're all here to hold you up and give you a shoulder to cry, or to be her elves. Love you guys.

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  12. Jen and Dave
    I have followed Aviana's progress for a while now and have wanted to write a comment many times but for some reason have not finished it. Words seemed to meaningless considering everything you guys have been through with your beautiful angel. When you wrote Aviana was transitioning , my heart sank like a stone. you are so brave and the decision you made must have been devastatingly difficult but you honored your beautiful brave girl till the end. Wishing you peace and light in the way forward.

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    1. Thank you so very much for your comment. I truly appreciate every word you wrote. I am wishing you a happy holiday : )

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