Monday, July 29, 2013

The Door

Some days,

I wake up in the morning,

Walk down the hall,

Loop around a few times,

And then,

I just stare at her closed bedroom door.

The truth is...

I'm exhausted.

I'm not quite ready to start again.

An accumulation of tired,

All at once.





And years of this...

It's a worn which spans

Over the countless moments

Of us changing,

And her not.


That's it!

I'll make myself a cup,

And then,

I'll loop around again.

Groundhog Day can wait,

As a cup of Cinnamon Pastry

Makes everything right in the world.

The last drop comes too soon though,

And the door remains.


Today is one of those days.

Love always,

But this sort of limbo life,

And the energy I can put forth,

Is stagnant.

She doesn't deserve stagnant,

So I go in,

And do what I do -

With excitement...

"Good Morning Sweetheart..."

"How was your night?"

"You look beautiful!"

"What should we do today?"

"How about this?"

"Does that sound good?"

And we're off...

But the truth is,


On this day,

I'm feeling compounded.

Lucky for me,

I know...

This too shall pass.


It always does.


  1. I'm sorry you are having a rough day today. I love you!

  2. I'm also sorry it is one of those days. Perhaps a trip back to the helmet store. I cried when I read the posts below. Its nice that nice caring understanding people still exist. So happy she saw Avi girl as the beautiful wonder she is. I hope tomorrow the door seems a little less of a mountain. What I know is that if it's a cinnamon roll and an extra cup of coffee that helps, you deserve THAT!!! And girl I give you permission to have as many cinnamon rolls as your heart desires. Hell in honor of your not so wonderful start to the day I'm gonna send you positive encouraging thoughts and join you in a little indulgence.

  3. Groundhog day.
    I understand that. I really do. Not in the same way as you, but I get it.
    Telling her to brush her teeth, telling her to shower, reminding her not to put back on her dirty clothes, asking her to clean her room, putting up with her meltdowns and being patient when she yells at me out of frustration, asking her over and over to complete a simple task. Everyday. It's groundhog day here, too. Even with a 20 year old.

    1. Trina ~

      I know you do, and I'm sorry you do too. My love to you everyday you experience and have to remember that day for the rest of your life. It never goes away, and it never will. That's got to be one of the worst parts of it. The Groundhog Day factor...

  4. I don't know how it feels to be you, but I have imagined it many times. I can turn off my imagination, but your reality is always there. I admire your spirit more than you know.

    God Bless whoever thought up Cinnamon Pastry Coffee and all the other flavors that set our mornings off to a good start!

    Love you lots,

  5. I'm sorry.
    I think you're amazing.

    A thought that I find helpful is this is the only moment that matters, right now, this holy instant. The eternal moment.
    Much love your way.

  6. Sending you love every single day.

  7. Everyone has tough days Jen, but the way you write about yours is inspirational.
    So open and loving, yet not shying away from reality either.
    Be kind to yourself.
    You are an amazing person.

  8. Thank you all so much for your comments. I really needed them...more than you know : ) It has been on and off rough lately, and I couldn't figure out why and then it hit it always does. The obvious - Aviana being out of school (letting our respite girl go on top of that) and the not so obvious these days...her birthday coming up (the hardest day of the year for me). It's always that way lately - subconscious-yet conscious- yet not. So strange. I wish I could skip right over it and feel awful at the very same time for saying that ; (

    Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for being here. You all help to pull me you know that? You do, and I thank you. Love to you all!

  9. I just read your last three posts. As always honest and beautiful. The woman in the horse store, your souls obviously needed each other for that moment in time. Lasting impressions often stem from brief encounters. I am sure she walked away feeling just as in awe as you did.

    Aviana looks so cute on her horse. Animals bring something to the table that no human can. We just sold my daughters horse in Arabia because she off to school and will only be back for brief breaks. That horse changed her world, teenage years can be hard for girls ( DRAMA )! They are both red headed, both stubborn, they would fight and get mad at each other just like siblings. Haya ( horses name ) would stand her ground and if she wanted Abigail's ground she would stand that too. For a couple years there I think Haya had much more sway with Abigail than we did. Haya taught Abigail things that Abigail would never have let us teach her. Shush, don't tell abigail!

    Ground hog day. No fun feeling like no matter how hard you try there are some things you just can't change. We are going through a situation right now. Hard! Can't change it, no going up, over, around or under it. THROUGH IT! Oh how I detest not being able to FIX! Hope----- a little word with such a complicated multi faceted meaning. So much of the time I have learned ( am having to learn right now, yuck, yuck and more yuck ) that I can have hope and things still not turn out the way I want. I do however, have a great deal of faith and my faith gives me hope that God knows what he is doing. It has made me think....what do I believe about hope? What gives me hope? Here goes:

    1. My Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.
    2. My family
    3. No matter how much hope we have. Some things will not be fixed in this life.
    4. The kindness of strangers. Sometimes big, sometimes small but always impacting.
    5. That even though hope may elude me sometimes ( o.k. A lot of times ) having just a spark buried deep inside gives me the strength to move forward.
    5. Eyes, hope smiles brightly in the eyes.
    6. Aviana, Jen, Dave, Rainey and Kama, even though Kama is not physically on earth, I gain hope from the love you have for her. The beauty you see in your own life helps me be more open to the beauty in mine. Thank You for that!
    7. Hope cannot be bought or sold, it has to come through living life as it comes.
    8. Everybody needs it at sometime in their life.
    9. How much we have ebbs and flows with any given situation.
    10. Our military men and women, their willingness to serve and honor our country renews my hope in humanity.
    11. DOGS! Need I say more!

    Jen, sending you and yours lots of love!