Wednesday, June 17, 2015

And in the End...

It was a Wednesday, six years ago today. I watched those purple plaid shorts walk out of my life for the very last time. That day, I wanted to crumple over, but that was the first in a long string of days where something larger came, showing me that we can take far more than we ever thought possible.

Aviana had seven years. At times I count them. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven... An awfully small number. But then I think, I can safely say two things with absolute certainty, I had never learned more up until I met her, and won't ever learn as much until I die. I can also say that what I accomplished before Aviana and anything from here on out will pale in comparison to looking deep into her eyes and respecting her wish to exit this life and move on to another. I know, bold statements. But they're true. I look at Dave and have never been more proud of the two of us, for listening, being her voice, and for honoring her.

As I watched her walk out the door six years ago, I thought I knew a thing or two about difficult things. I was wrong. In teaching us, we were not only given a whole different perspective, but also released. We were freed from fear. I'm sure some who've lost tremendously can relate. In losing Aviana, the mystery was unraveled. Before I was a fraidy cat, too scared to speak of death, too terrified to hear the words about or from my parents especially, or to go sit or visit with people who've lost a loved one...I'm embarrassed to say, I wanted to run the other way. But because of Aviana, I'm more comfortable. She shows me that death is a part of life. Soon after the accident, we made sure to have a will and trust. Amongst other things, we made sure to clearly outline our own wishes should something as catastrophic occur. Because of her, I can now sit, visit, talk (to even my parents (!), listen, think about everyone close to me dying, and have completed my training to be a hospice volunteer - all with our girls at the forefront. On my way home from here or there, I sometimes cry, because one little girl made her momma grow up. She made it possible for me to do things I couldn't in the past. She made me understand that no matter how bad or sad a situation, we'll (I'll) somehow get through. And as bad as anything is, there's beauty somewhere. Thankfully in our time of need—family, friends, perfect strangers, and the small wonders of this earth were just above all that was awful and felt bad.

In recent years, I'm forever grateful that through God—Aviana and Kama have shown me this isn't the end.

***

I opened six years ago to avoid having to continuously speak about what happened to our family. My intention was to close soon after. Little did I know, a blinking line on a blank screen would become my saving grace, pulling me in and grounding my broken heart. For years I left my hopes and dreams for Aviana, fumbled my way through an 'anything but normal' life, and slathered the deepest depths of the beast known as brain injury.

I've decided to say goodbye. I want to especially thank each of you for caring for Aviana the way you have. You are truly some of the most loving people. You may never know how much you mean or have helped me through the years. I want to especially thank you for holding us through the holidays with Aviana's Elves. From my heart to yours...always.

If ever you'd like to say hi, our contact information is in the Aviana's Elves link.

We wish you peace and love,


Dave, Jen & Rainey



And in the end,
the love you take is equal to the love you make.

~ The Beatles

49 comments:

  1. I'll miss you, but understand why you are saying goodbye. I wish you a happy and peaceful life!!!

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    1. Thank you so much Heather! Thank you for always being here. You have one of the kindest hearts, and I'm so happy to have gotten to know you through Aviana. Thank you for all of your sweet comments of support through the years. I won't ever be able to put my appreciation into words.

      Let's especially connect over the holidays and share stories of those things we do ; ) I'd love to gather new ideas from you! I wish you the very same happy and peaceful life with your husband and cute little daughter : )

      Love,

      Jen

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  2. My best to you and your family. Thank you for sharing your journey with us.

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    1. Thank you very much. Thank you for letting me share Aviana with you : )

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  3. Jennifer, you are moving from one chapter of your life to the next. You have learned, grown, matured, shared and taught us the meaning of pain, endurance, survival, grace and love. I have seen you blossom to a woman of strength, but also caring. There was a time I saw “fear” in you; now I only see strength and the ability to reason through difficulties and challenges. I once wondered how you would transition from Chapter 1 to Chapter 2. Now I know it will be done with maturity, boldness, reason and love. My dear, I look forward to seeing the next chapter unfold. All the best to you. Roger

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    1. Oh Roger, you have a way. You make me cry each and every time.

      You know, when the accident happened, there was one single person who rose and never left our side...week in and week out for almost five straight years. I will never be more grateful to you. You were my constant in a world of uncertainty. We knew, without a doubt, we could count on you. And in every way - physically, emotionally, logically...the list was never-ending.

      I had to be strong for my Mom, Gary, and Aviana. With you, I was able to let it all out, to fall to pieces. Lucky you ; ) Thank you for helping me through the darkest of dark. You are the most selfless person I know.

      You mean everything to me.

      I love you!

      Jen

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  4. Jen -- I was thinking of you just today. I heard "Life Ain't Always Beautiful" and have been lost in my own grief about my amazing beagle that we lost this month in his 14th year, but in an accident at home. I was surprised to see this post today -- it reminds me how the universe works together. I wish you peace and thank you for your example through pain and loss. I thank you for loving your dogs the way you do and showing me grace in losing Kama so I can find grace in losing mine. Keep taking care of yourself and your family.

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    1. Stephanie. Oh honey. When I started to read your comment my heart just ached. No, truthfully it broke for you. Our dogs are our lives, aren't they? And the void they leave is immeasurable. The pain of their absence is excruciating, crushing, and all encompassing.

      I definitely don't feel right taking the kind credit you gave with Kama ; ) If I think back, or dare look back at my blog posts from losing her... I'm quite sure I showed no such grace, but was more of a sloppy, sobbing mess ; ) Losing her just about killed me.

      Before Kama was sick (actually before picking Aviana up in Guatemala) I vividly remember laying on her, listening to her heartbeat and begging God for it never to stop. Am I crazy? I'm okay with that. After Avi's accident, I felt I could take care of her, do the program, carry out anything...as long as we had Kama by our side. With her love, life, and support, I thought I could conquer all. When she died, a piece of Aviana and I did too. It got pretty ugly afterwards. It took me time, space, a whole lot of grieving, and Aviana to look at all this in a different way.

      I will be holding you as close as possible through the loss of your sweet dog. Please email me anytime homesweettahoe@yahoo.com. I'd love to see pictures of your pup, hear stories... anything. My love to you!

      And thank you so very much for all your love and well wishes ❤️

      Jen

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  5. Jen, I want to continue to be honest, I'm sad and in denial and maybe dissappionted , but I'll get over it ;)
    Goodbye sounds so final :( I will have to work through that, I'll just have to understand that is your next chapter in your life, your blog has meant so much to me and taught me so much, how can I love and feel so much for someone I've never met ? I know, because of what you've given through Avi, see? I'm working through it already. like you said, I say, I'LL BE OKAY :) with a big lump in my throat. I LOVE YOU,!!
    XOXO
    cindy in nc

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    1. Hi Cindy ~

      I love honesty, so thank you ; ) I know, goodbye does sound so final, but although it won't be the same, let's stay in touch through email and...let's see, are you on Pinterest = ) Ha Ha. That's about all I'm on...oh and Scrabble : ))))

      Thank you for letting me know all you have. I appreciate you for always telling me how much Aviana means and how much she taught you. For me, that's the greatest gift you can give me.

      Not only was this blog my best form of therapy, but the connections I made with people like you meant the world to me. To me, it makes perfect sense to over time and communication feel so much for someone I've never met. I've connected with certain comments and just knew I'd get along and become close to certain people. I've met some of my closest friends here on this blog, through writing, and across the states. Many of these friends have become much closer than family to me.

      It may be time for the blog, but I'll forever take the friendships I've gained with me. And as far as our story... there'll someday be more to come.

      I know you have my butchered email address. You had to work for that ; ) Oops...sorry. But just in case, homesweettahoe@yahoo.com

      Thank you Cindy in NC. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

      I LOVE YOU TOO!

      Jen

      P.S. I heard a crash and the bird nest fell down. What do I do? Get gloves and put it back up? My dad asked if there were any eggs or shells? I said no. He said spring has spring and they no longer need it. Is that true? I was going to do a search, but now that I'm here talking to you, I bet you know how to help a bird out.

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    2. Your Dad is right, just let nature take its course <3 I don't do much on the net except a little FB, and then your blog everyday, even if there's no new posts :( I'll try to keep in touch through email some, I just loved reading your blog because of the talent you have for writing.By the way you are so strong to be going into hospice, you will be such a treasure for the ones you take care of all because of Aviana. Oh that girl :) Oh your girls!! XOXO

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  6. And last thing - I hope you keep writing. If not here, somewhere. You have such a gift. A book, perhaps? :)

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    1. Thank you so much Shannon. This is one of the reasons I decided to stop the blog. I'm a little over halfway through my first draft and really need to focus on finishing my book. For many reasons, my mind is distracted, so I need to narrow in and set a goal for myself.

      Thank you for all of your support over the years, and in saying what you have about a book : ) It's the main goal in my life.

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  7. Not sure my first comment published? Just wanted to say thank you for sharing your journey with us. It is a beautiful one, and I'll never forget you (or Aviana).

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    1. Thank you for letting me share our story with you. And thank you for always remembering Aviana. That's one of the single best things you could ever have written to me <3

      I hope you are having a nice summer with those cute boys of yours : )

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  8. I think I knew this day would come, but I didn't think it would be today. I can never thank you enough for sharing Avi with me (us) and allowing me to think of life in a broader way. I have shared your journey with many friends. Most of all, I thank Avi for letting us get to know each other.
    Love you all,
    Dixie

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    1. Hi Dixie ~

      I know you know how grateful I am for Avi bringing us together : ) Thank you for letting me share her with you, and for always being with me in such a loving and gracious way.

      My love to you always,

      Jen

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  9. As much as I hate this, Jen, I knew the day would come when you would want and need to move on. You deserve a new normal. You and Dave have a lot of life left, and who knows where it will lead. I am grateful to have shared this journey with you. I have put myself in your mom and dad's shoes on that horrific day. I have imagined what it would be like to lose a child. I have watched you and listened to your aches and joys and growing and being knocked down in a way most of us will never experience. And yet, you have learned so much and loved so deeply. I am thankful that God saw fit to write you into my little story all for the purpose of writing His perfect and very big story. May God continue to use you in more lives as you and Dave seek to experience all that life has in store for you. May God bless you both. You will be missed more than you know. Love and Blessings, Vicki, the old Grammy from Memphis

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    1. Vicki (I have a question...why did you add "the old" to Grammy from Memphis? ; ) ~

      As I was deciding to end my blog, you were one of the first people I thought of. Thinking of your ongoing love made me cry. The way you always checked in to make sure I was okay, but hopefully having a good time rather than not always took me by surprise, but made me feel protected...loved.

      I've found warmth, comfort, and love in every of your comments. Beyond that, I've found a deep empathy. When you say, "I am thankful that God saw fit to write you into my little story for the purpose of writing His perfect and very big story." I couldn't have said it better to YOU. Through all the years, you couldn't know just how much you've carried me through some of the hardest and darkest times. And because you found words and sent them to me, you made me feel less alone...for YEARS.

      Thank you for loving Aviana, for loving us. You will be missed (here), more than you know. But please, if you'd like, I'd love to stay in contact.

      And my mom, best friend Amy, and I are all dying to someday go back to Nashville. I think it would be a great idea to make our way to Memphis or meet somewhere on that trip!

      With love always,

      Jen

      P.O. Box 4
      Carnelian Bay, Ca 96140

      homesweettahoe@yahoo.com

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    2. Jen, I am humbled by your response. I definitely want to stay in touch. I am a cardmaker. This came about after my 34 years in the classroom and my retirement from that job about 7 years ago. It is my therapy!! I am making you a card and will send you my email and my address. I discovered that I could be a little creative and use the gift of encouragement which the Lord gave me. Then He began to place folks in my life to use this gift. When I discovered your blog, I was pulled in immediately. You know my love for Guatemalan children. My two granddaughters are the love of my life. It would be wonderful to actually meet you and your friend Amy!!! Now to the OLD Grammy part. I am 68 years old which I know is so much older than probably all the folks on this site. I am battling MS which tends to make me feel older some days. However, I am very young at heart and feel grateful that I am doing as well as I am. In the whole scheme of life, this is truly a nothing!! I am blessed. May God continue to bless your entire family as a new chapter begins. A card is forthcoming! Vicki, the youthful one from Memphis

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  10. All the best to you as you continue on your journey. xoxo
    Patti B.

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    1. Thank you Patti B! Thank you for being here with us, and the well wishes : )

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  11. Jen, as always your words are beautiful and eloquent. Thank you for sharing your story, and your truth. I admire you so much for living honestly. I'm so grateful that I got to know you and Dave and that I got to cuddle Aviana. She was truly a blessing to all who knew her. Lily still talks about her friend Aviana and Kama too. She was so young but even she knew something special existed in that friendship. Love you girl and am mad proud of you. I get why your saying goodbye. I will miss getting a glimpse into how your doing. I know it's not goodbye but see you soon :-)

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    1. Thank you Sarah <3 And thank you for always being here. We too, are so grateful to have met you that day at Heartsent : ) And then the times I had to hide how bad I wanted to steal Lily from you while waiting for Aviana! But anyway, what a blessing to have shared this entire journey with you.

      Girl...we've been through a lot! And we're not just standing, but commanding! Okay, maybe sometimes. Ha Ha.

      I will never be able to tell you the depths of what it means to hear that Lily still talks about Aviana and Kama. I can tell you that when I first read, I cried, and, am crying as I type right now. I can picture Lily and Aviana before and after the accident. For different reasons, those times were just as special as each other. Lily is one exceptional girl. I knew it when I met her, but learned just how much after Aviana's accident. Do you remember the first time she saw Avi in the hospital? Without hair? And we joked about Lily having a matching haircut...and she was just fine with it, because Aviana was her best friend. At such a young age your girl knew more about true friendship, and especially true love than the majority. Okay, I can't see the screen now...

      I love you Sarah, always. And no... not a chance...this is never goodbye.

      Thank you love...

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  12. I am going to miss your writings, but I will be the first to buy the book! I have learned so much about life and death from you and Aviana. You will always be special to me. Love, Beya

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    1. Oh my sweet Beya ~

      Thank you for already being first in line <3 I hope you know just how special you and your entire family are to me. You're one of the greatest blessings to come from this blog. My Wagon Wheelin' loves. When I say loves, I really, truly, mean LOVES!

      Thank you for taking me into your family and making me feel right at home!

      I talked to Caneo, the trip is planned... did she tell you ; )

      Love to all of you!

      Jen

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  13. Jen,

    I don't ever comment on blogs, except on yours to ask for the delicious pecan pecan pie recipe! I had to today. Reading your last post made me cry. I will miss your beautiful writing, but I know you need to start a new chapter. I was diagnosed with breast cancer 19 years ago when my kids were 3,6 and 9. I fought like hell through horrible treatments to live for my family and I know how lucky I am. During all the struggles I always realized there are so many how are in worse circumstances than I am. Through our pain there are so many life lessons. On every post you have showed your readers that. I admire the person I have seen you become in your writings. We lost our beloved poodle 3 years ago at 15. I was not getting a new one. She was irreplaceable. I read about Kama and we started looking. We found a great breeder and got the only black, female puppy out of the 5 white ones. I am in love. I can't imagine my life without Lucy. Thank you for everything. i will miss you.

    Mel
    PS> Do you have a good easy dog treat recipe?

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    1. Hi Mel ~

      I remember the All Butter Pecan Pie post well. If my memory serves me (which is hit and miss ; ) I don't believe we'd quite ventured into that particular one yet. It was never a favorite of mine because of the ungodly sweet goo. I remember that was quite the endeavor and boy am I glad you asked, because you turned me into a Pecan Pie craving, loving, creature! Have you ever made it? I hope so because your creation is amazing, and a staple! So thank you!

      Thank you so much for your comment. I really appreciate all your compliments, but most of all, thank you for sharing your story with me. Oh Mel, my heart went out to you in the biggest way. I pictured your pain, yet your incredible FIGHTING SPIRIT. What a beautiful story all the way around, because to me...there's beauty in beating it and living after, but also in the unrelenting fight. I know you understand exactly what I'm trying to say because you speak of the many life lessons through our pain. We sure had to go through HELL, but I'm eternally grateful to see the world in a completely different way.

      I was so sad to read about the loss of your beloved poodle, but then so happy to read about Lucy. I love how you picked the only black one out of the five white. Isn't it strangely amazing Mel? I never thought it possible to love another. It was the hugest leap of faith with Rainey. I told her, "Little girl, you have some awfully big paws to fill." I thought, what the heck am I doing? This could be a disaster. But she did it, those paws were filled, and faster than I ever thought possible. I believe with some help from Kama too though. Rainey had some of Kama's very same idiosyncrasies, ones that were too odd to deny.

      Dr. Phil has a saying about children, something about drawing from different banks (of the heart) I like to look at this in the same way. I never thought I could love Rainey as much as I love Kama, but I do.

      My heart is FULL when I heard how much you LOVE Lucy. Full.

      I do have a dog treat recipe, but I need to find it ; ) I'll post it under here soon <3

      I'm happy you've always been here Mel. I can't thank you enough.

      Love,

      Jen

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    2. http://www.willcookforfriends.com/2012/12/pumpkin-peanut-butter-dog-biscuits-tummy-friendly-treats.html

      I hope Lucy love them ❤️

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  14. Prayers and blessings as you start your journey forward away from your blog. It has been an honor to pray for Aviana and feel the raw pain that you so generously shared with all of us. It will be sad to not read of your journey... but understand the necessity! God Bless,

    Sarah
    SophieBugsMom

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    1. Hi Sarah ~

      Thank you for keeping Aviana in your prayers. It means so much that you would include her. And thank you for allowing me to share all the pain that went along with everything. These pages were such a healing part of my journey, probably the most healing. To be able to come to this space at any hour and release the worst of the worst was one of the best things I could have done for myself, and to receive love and support in spite of such darkness...I will never forget the gift you and the others have given me.

      Thank you so much!

      Love,

      Jen

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  15. Sorry to see you guys go, I have enjoyed getting to know you guys over the last 6 years. All the best:)
    Deanna

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    1. Wow Deanna, thank you for being here for the entire six years. I truly can't thank you enough. This space was one of the most helpful things to get me through. And you and the others seriously pulled me through the times when I least wanted to go. Thank you doesn't even begin to say how I really feel.

      Love,

      Jen

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  16. I have been a religious daily checker of your blog through the years, always disappointed when there was no update :-) I will so miss your updates, but do understand. Today was my first day to check in over a week. On the 13th I flew across the country to be with my critically ill sister. She died a few hours after I arrived. The pain has been all consuming. It makes me think about how hard it must have been to share what you did with us when you were in so much pain - but I am glad you did. I definitely hope to one day read your book!!

    Nancy

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    1. Oh Nancy, my heart sank when I read your comment. I'm so very sorry for the loss of your sister. I'm sorry you missed seeing her. I'm sorry for the crushing pain you are feeling. I'm sorry to your entire family. I'm sorry for everything, which comes along with deep agonizing grief.

      I wanted to write you back the second I read your comment, but the truth is - I never know what to say, because there isn't really much. It just plain hurts. I more wish I were there - to hug you, to listen to anything you'd like to share. Maybe if you wanted to tell me about your sister, her name, her favorite things, your memories with her. Or if we were together and you wanted to watch a funny movie (or not), or eat lemon cookie ice cream on a sugar cone (or not)? Or maybe not together, but I would make and drop off dinner and dessert, or help with anything else... those sorts of things. I don't know. I just wish I were there, rather than trying to find words. Good grief. Oh grief... it's so....grief.

      I want you to know how much I've been thinking about you, keeping you close, praying for you.

      You are so special to me Nancy. For so long, you have been... and I am so sad to hear that you are going through this terrible loss right now.

      Please know that even though I'm not right here, I'm still here.

      Love to you all,

      Jen

      P.O. Box 4
      Carnelian Bay, Ca 96140
      homesweettahoe@yahoo.com
      530-412-2836

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  17. "Do all the good you can
    In all the ways you can
    As long as ever you can"
    ( author unknown)

    You, dear Jen and Dave, live this to the fullest. Beautiful souls living a beautiful life. I love you forever and ever. These ten thousand miles away I feel our hearts beating in sync. We WILL meet face to face. Be well dear friends. The Skyes the limit........🌠

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    1. Beautiful Donna! And YES, we definitely will : )

      I love you!

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  18. Ha ha. Those question marks? Not sure where they came from. You were supposed to have a cute little icon:/ this to be exact 🌠

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    1. You make me laugh.

      The sky's the limit (question mark! question mark!) Almost like (wink! wink!)

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  19. Ok, I give up! Apparently my icons show up as ? Love you!

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    1. On my phone it showed up the way it was supposed to. I had no idea what you meant until I came over to my laptop ; ) I thought, the woman's gone mad. Just kidding, kind of <3

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  20. Oh my goodness. My laptop got a virus and I was too cheap to bring it to our local repair business to get fixed properly. Then we had a lightning strike in which we lost our modem and our PC got the blue screen of death. So they both ended up at the repair shop and the cable company had to come put in a new modem. Then when we got our computer back we had to start trying to put everything back like it was. I checked in a few days ago, the screen loaded but I didn't have time to read so I decided to come back when I had more time.

    So here I am on a Saturday morning. I have coffee and the children are occupied with cartoons. Oh no, I feel like I've missed so much!! Sweet Jen I am going to miss you!!! I hope I can still send you videos.

    What can I say? You inspire me. Aviana inspires me. I am not the same person because I read your blog. I love you and am grateful to God our paths crossed! I don't know how to log into my JadedEmerald account anymore. I lost all my passwords. But this is Channe.

    I think of you & Avi often and will continue to blog or no blog!!!!! XOXOXO

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    1. The blue screen of death is the WORST! I'm so sorry for all your computer, modem, techy, tech, tech, issues. This connects to that and the endless stream of, "I can't get on and look at my stuff!" just continues on! It's like a car, when they work they're stellar, when they don't it's kind of... Ugh : /

      I'm happy to see you're back! Channe. Channe. Channe. Pleaseeeee keep sending me your videos! I so L.O.V.E. them! They make my day. And maybe one day, I'll figure out how to send you some back
      : ))))

      Thank you so much for all you said. I too, am not the same person because of all of you, and all of this. I'm going to miss being here, in this space, too. I am SO grateful to God for placing us together Channe! Me too! So grateful!

      I sure hope you find your passwords. Blogger can be such a bear to get into when you're out it seems you're OUT! Ha Ha. But you better, I so love reading all you have to say <3 <3

      I love you... (I can't think of how you broke it down for me, how you explained how to pronounce your name, but it made me laugh.)

      Jen

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    2. Hey... I just noticed you showed up as Channe, so are you logged into Blogger?

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  21. Will miss your updates so much! Thanks for sharing your lives with all the details in your writings. Know you & your family will continue to do such awesome things to continue with the memory of Aviana. Know these years has been beyond painful. I admired you for your strength- courage you show. (I'm not even sure how I came across your blog have been following for a long time). Best Wishes to You & Dave & Family.

    HUGS to YOU from Georgia!

    Denise

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    1. Hi Denise!

      Thank you for sharing in our lives, and thank you for your comments of love and support. They've meant so much to me, more than I can say to you here and now.

      Thank you for the wishes. My wish is the very same for you too : )

      Thank you for the HUGS!

      PEACE and LOVE to you from Tahoe = )

      Jen

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  22. Jen,
    I sent you an email but maybe the email address isn't current? Let me know your current email address and I will resend it. Since my son is out of school for the summer, they disconnected his Google account and now MINE is freed up again! Very strange how that happened (I explained that in my email) Anyways, lots to tell you. Much has been going on. I'm sad that your blog will be ending now....I will miss your writing. Let's keep in touch.

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  23. Hi Trina ~

    So strange that only your comments never come to my email?

    My email address is homesweettahoe@yahoo.com. I did get your actual email, but we had Dave's family of 16 over the weekend. I'ill write you back as soon as I can. I'm leaving for Reno in a little for the week's shopping, etc.

    It sounds like more is going on, please write me again, and I'll write you back tonight if I don't get home too late or tomorrow for sure.

    Or I can also talk on the way to Reno or home. 530-412-2836

    Love you <3

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  24. Hi people,
    Thank you so much for this wonderful article really!
    If you are interested in Praying for Others I think you can find what you need here!

    ReplyDelete