Thursday, May 1, 2014

Change of Heart

Before Aviana died, I was able to take any other topic somewhat in stride, except for her service. I imagine no one really looks forward to this sort of thing. I definitely had my hand waving high up in the air, screaming, "Pick me! I want anywhere, but here!" Out of all that was cringe worthy, I was looking forward to this the very least. There was something about her service, which instantly turned my red blood, blue. I would twist, shift, and submit a request for an immediate conversation change. Why? I didn't know. Nor was I interested in taking the time to figure it out.

I knew it was inevitable. The service and I would meet soon enough, but while Aviana was still with us, I wanted it to stay away. I felt awful for pushing it aside. For feeling the way I did. I knew it wasn't a bad thing. I felt I was being disrespectful to Aviana, and every one of our family members and friends who had loved us along the way. I had to sit with it, to go with it. I didn't have a choice. There wasn't any energy left, or should I say, any left to put in that direction...

Looking back, I was also preserving what remained of my heart. I could only handle so much. The vision of a day, which included everyone who loved us gathered together to pay his or her final respects, undeniably shredded what was left. At that moment, the very last place I wanted to be was there, surrounded in anyone, and especially without her.

After Aviana died, I thankfully had a change of heart. All I wanted was to honor the most inspiring girl I had ever known.

It was then that I realized all the reasons I was previously rendered silent on the subject of Aviana's service. Everything felt daunting, overwhelming. It wasn't one - it was two. Two in one. Of course it was. How was this all going to come together? How were we to plan a service for our, not one, but two daughters? How do we properly honor them both? How do we properly put together a service representing how we feel, which is sad for the vibrant little girl whose life was cut way too short, but happy for our other little girl whose life was honored by releasing her loving spirit? How do we plan a day which perfectly meshes together a Cloud 9/we finally freed her feeling with our beautiful baby is dead and for the rest of our lives we will have to live within that shadow with our only hope in giving her life meaning...that is, until we too, are no more. We had a huge undertaking upon us. There were times I wasn't grateful for the extra time we had to plan Aviana's service, but in light of all this, I suppose I should have always been!

We spent many days and nights, but I think we found the perfect balance. Through readings, our family, pictures and music - we shared Aviana with everyone. Both the trying, and not so trying times were just as special as each other. They each made her exactly who she was, and through it all - she loved, and was especially loved. And in the end, that's all that really matters.

I have shared some from her service with you, but I'd like to share a little more in the next few posts.


  1. Oh thank you so much for sharing ANYTHING about her service! I am so glad that you did what you wanted for Avi, and you, and your family...

  2. So beautifully expressed Jen, as usual. You have such a gift. And you are such a gift.

  3. Without knowing anything about it yet, I am certain it was thoughtful, reflective, and perfect. I love ya'll!

  4. It's so interesting that we can always handle 'right now', but can't handle the thought of some future situation. You lived in the present with your little angel, and the benefits of you doing so may never be consciously known, but I'm sure are profound. How beautiful it is that you are able to live in the present. I can't wait to glimpse her service. Thank you for, as always, sharing your path so eloquently and graciously.