Friday, April 18, 2014

Going Back

Today I want to thank you  - for the love, the well wishes, and every single beautiful word you string together. Thank you for just plain being here. I truly appreciate. 

It's been interesting lately. Writing about then can sometimes be challenging, because we are now in a different place. Many times, in order to change it up, I wish to weave in the now! I refrain though. I am finally able to share it all here, so I'd love to finally place what's been inside - out. I understand the alternative, and it caused me to become seriously stuck, writing wise. When I start to wiggle about these then posts, it's important for me to stay focused and remember that within a journey - where we are - can be better understood by knowing where we came from. Thus, the essence of order. 

I sometimes slip. While at lunch with my uncle, I explained how at times this, writing in retrospect instead of real time, could be frustrating. It would be different if I were all caught up. But since I'm not, it can be difficult to go through once again, but with new details. The posts are awfully heavy and can sometimes linger because, often times, I'm feeling so much lighter. There isn't a break in the process, but by choice, of course. He brought me back, as he so often does. He told me it could be a good thing because I've had some time and distance and can now reflect on everything. He's right. It's something I chose to do. Something that is crucially important to me. Something I wouldn't have any other way, albeit difficult at times, but necessary in sharing Aviana's story. I have since relaxed into the process and however long it takes, it takes.  

So today, I want to thank you for being patient with me. For going back with me, for letting me share some parts again, while adding much more. Thank you for being here to help me process all that's inside. Thank you especially for every word in support of my mom! 

I'm not so sure she believes any of my recent dagger posts are helping though? After every one, my phone is sure to beep. I brace myself for her text, "tears, tears, tears...just too hard to go through it again. My heart is like STONE...." or "CRYING...TOO DIFFICULT." I call her and that sweet voice asks, "Are you done with me yet?" She doesn't know all that happened. And what she does know, she's either forgotten much of, or has blocked it out. I know it hurts my mom incredibly. It hurts me too. It leaves a lasting effect sometimes. It's not my intention to inflict more pain. I wouldn't continue through if I didn't think it would help in the long run. In my heart, I think it's best to walk through it, to understand what happened, and to know what it was really like. I just think to know is better than to wonder, or not know at all. Your imagination can be your worst enemy, especially on a sleepless night. I also think to know is better than to forget. I don't think you ever truly forget. I believe it all comes back to you in one form or another. 

I personally want to remember as much as possible. I feel I've already forgotten too much. It makes me sad. I honestly didn't want to miss a thing - the good, the not so good, the sad, all of it. Yes, it was hard, but I knew it was going to be over soon. I knew it was all I had left.

I think the end of Aviana's physical life was just as important as every other part. There was beauty in every single stage, and to deny any portion is denying a piece of her. And for me, her life isn't over, nor will it ever be. She lives on in every moment of my life today. I feel her in everything I do, and everywhere I go. She's a large part of many decisions we make. She's right here with me. I'm grateful too for the ways in which she lets me know. We were attached, and she let's me know I am not alone. She was one of the most beautiful things I will ever have known. As tragic as her story could be at times, in knowing all, I believe chronicling her life also brings about a sense of peace. It's a story of loss, yes...but above all, it's one of love. True love. And my mom, well - she was by far one of the main characters.





12 comments:

  1. I feel privileged to walk this walk with you. I'm very sure I'm not the only one who feels this way. I would wish what happened to you to no one. However, if it does, I feel I am equipped to be a better, more compassionate friend.

    Happy Easter Hodder Family. <3

    Dixie

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    1. I am so happy you are right by my side, always : )

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  2. I wanted to come on and wish you and your family a Happy Easter. I know this will be a hard one for you.
    This is a poem I shared with a friend that lost her child.
    Tiny Angels - Tiny Angels rest your wings sit with me for awhile. How I long to hold your hand,
    And see your tender smile. Tiny Angel, look at me, I want this image clear.... That I will forget your precious face Is my biggest fear. Tiny Angel can you tell me, Why you have gone so young?
    You weren't here for very long.... Tiny Angel shook her head, "These things I do not know....
    But I do know that you love me, And that I love you so".

    Mindy

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    1. Hi Mindy!

      Thank you for the Easter wishes! I hope yours was good too!

      Thank you for the beautiful poem as well. So very sweet.

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  3. How how much are our moms alike? Beya says she likes to read my posts too because it's how she knows how I'm feeling. We live together yet she cannot read my mind and that is where my dark and twisty is and stays..... until I release it on my blog. I love your mom. I love your family. I love you my stripey Jen.

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  4. You are doing the right thing. It's the right thing because it is what is right for you. Denial only leads to more denial. Like you said, by putting it outside of yourself, you are acknowledging and affirming. I'm sorry it makes your mom cry. She sounds like a very special woman. And you make me wish I had an Uncle Roger of my own :-) You come from good stock!

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    1. Thank you Channe. I agree with you. And, my mom sure is...and I'll ask my uncle if you could borrow him ; )

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  5. Ooops... hit enter too soon. I wanted to wish you all a Happy Easter! How cute is this? It's a doggie treat Easter Egg hunt. http://www.dailyherald.com/article/20140419/news/140418118/

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  6. Big bear hugs to Brenda....and you, of course, as I thought of you both this Easter. I hope she and Gary are staying as strong as possible. xoxo

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    1. Thank you Erin! I hope your Easter was a good one : )

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