Sunday, June 30, 2013

Because of You

Before you were born,

You were teaching me.

"But I want one."

"Well, you can't have one."

Tripping and falling all over myself.

In and out of that fertility clinic.

Pricked, prodded, punctured.

Over and over.

IVF or adoption?


This will be our way!

You weren't even born,

Yet, you were stretching and pulling me.

A difficult process,

But I knew it would be fine.

All because you were on the other side.

Who knew,

More struggles.

Unexpected waiting, baby blues, and bonding.

You were making me tough,

Just like you.

It was finally all becoming worth it,

You were worth it.


You were gone -

But not.

And here we are.


Here you are.


Pushing me.

Stretching me.

Further and wider.

More than I ever thought possible.

Baby girl ~

These eyes have seen what eyes should never.

These ears have heard what ears should never.

This heart has hurt in ways a heart should never.

Often times,

I haven't liked it.

But through it all,

You've shown me what I would never.

I suppose I should say,

At a level I couldn't have without you.

From the big -

To love deeper, and give that love more freely.

To appreciate whenever possible, and look for it everywhere.

To give pause, and compassion always.

To try to gain a full understanding, before speaking.

To think - forwards, backwards and inside out.

To think - not so much, and just go with it!

To be kind first, and everything else second.

To always try to reserve judgement, as everyones' shoes fit different.

To always trust your instincts, as deep down - you know what's best!

To never say, 'if that were me' - because it's not and I don't really know what I would do!

To try and be present, with myself and others - because that's where it's at!

To always remember - drama's for the birds, and guess what? The birds don't like it either!

To always give, more than I take.

To enjoy this day, as it may be my last.

To the smaller -

To do my best to let go of control, as it's all just an illusion anyway.

To let up on keeping the house the way I used to, it's just not all that important.

To try and let things people say roll off, there's reasons beyond my understanding.

To forgive more, and move on faster.

To remember until the day I die, I always have the power to change for the better.


Without one single word...

You sure have a lot to say.

I sit here with you,

Day in,

And day out.

And you know what,

You are my guiding force.

And I am your work in progress.

Before you were born,

You were pushing me to the outermost.

And chances are,

We will outlive you.

But I'm not naive,

So who really knows.

But if so...

After you're gone,

You'll still be guiding me.

You will carry me throughout my entire life.

You have shown me what my days, weeks, months, and years here are all about.

And the truth is...

Once you know,

You can't un-know.

So, if I remain before you're free,

You will also have taught me how to die.

And that is the one thing that's terrified me most my entire life -

Losing my family.

And you,

You will teach me

Once again.

And someday,

In my death,

I know you will be there,

Once again,

Showing me how.

And I know there will forever be a certain level of peace throughout -

All because of you.


  1. Absolutely incredible!! You are teaching this old lady so much!! Blessings beyond measure to you! Vicki, Grammy from Memphis

  2. That said EVERYTHING! I will read that again and again because it's so true and so powerful.

    Love you,

    1. Thank you Dixie. You sat with her, she speaks volumes, doesn't she ; ) Wise little meekie!

  3. You may not recognize yourself as an "author" but you have a natural gift. I love you!

    1. Thank you for the amazing compliment Channe! I so appreciate it! I love you too!

  4. Every single word was filled with dignity and grace. Love, love, love this post.!

  5. Jen, every so often I check back in and do a marathon reading of what i've missed and how you all are doing. I am at a loss of words most of the time. My heart goes out to you and it feels so raw. You're evolution through this blog has been beautifully painful and inspiring. Thank you for having the courage to put it all out there! You are beautiful inside & out. Please give Avi some extra cuddles from us (Oscar, Luana & Ernie) <3