How?

My reasoning for keeping things general when it came to my mom and Gary was many-sided: to protect, to carefully work through the feeding issues with my mom, but there was another. And in the later months, it trumped all. My uncle and aunt had planned an entire trip to Europe with my mom and Gary in mind. While my aunt and uncle travel constantly - my mom and Gary almost never go anywhere. This was to be their first trip to Europe - my uncle and aunt were looking forward to being their tour guides. The trip had been in the works for a very long time, and as the weeks progressed, this say, 21 day trip somehow ended on a 44 day adventure!

***

As the calendar counted, we moved along. Exhausting all viable options, even blending Aviana's food and feeding it to her through a sippy cup. As with all things, the novelty was wearing thin. I began to grow more anxious by the day. 

The research was finished. I had spent months assessing Aviana, and my findings were true and just. My eyes, ears, brain, and especially heart had not deceived. Dave and I were a united front. Our meetings were full steam ahead. My talks with God, Uncle Roger, Aviana, and myself were all in unison. I knew full well the direction we were heading. I understood what this meant.

I started off slow - one here, some there. I began dropping hints to my mom. We had some really good conversations about Aviana and her feeding issues. I made sure to always note that the problem was intensifying. My mom suggested we simply put the tube back - an understandable solution at this juncture. After all, we were so many years into this all too status quo of a life.

I took one look at Aviana on the couch, took a deep breath, and drew every bit of strength I needed to continue. I can't lie though. With the sound of my mom's voice on the other end, the butterflies were flapping about, my voice doing its best to steady itself. I first took the opportunity to once again refresh her on our stance as a family. She came back with her best to understand what that meant, but I could tell, she was scared and some denial started to creep in and possibly take over.

How could I blame her? When needed, we have all jumped to what works for us. We all use our own unique strategies in order to deal with such a tragic situation. She then told me, "We need to try harder to feed her. Bring her to my house. I'll feed her, even if it takes hours. I have the patience." I wanted to cry, but I didn't, that is - until after I got off the phone. I gently explained it wasn't about that. Soon after, the subject was changed and shortly thereafter, she made it clear she wanted to call it a conversation. That was good enough for me. Baby steps.

As Aviana's refusal over meals was picking up the pace, my baby steps turned to leaps of reality (or so I thought). One time my mom finally came straight out and asked, "So are you telling me she's going to die?" My answer back was delicate and through tears, "yes." In retrospect, I really thought we were making much more progress than we actually were. I now understand that two people can really be coming from two completely different places and thinking two completely different things. All along, I thought she knew more of what I was saying - that it would be soon. And she thought it was off sometime in the distant future. I could see her point of view. Honestly, you have to say what you mean, and mean what you say!

Everything was mounting, one atop the other. My family was to leave on October 7th. October 7th!! So with the unbelievable timing of Aviana suddenly hanging in the balance, panic started to set in for me. I didn't know what to do. I had no idea at the time how this would all work. I felt as stuck as stuck could be. Do I tell my mom and Gary and destroy the trip they had planned for such a long time with my uncle and aunt? This was to be the trip of their lifetime! And after everything they'd been through, I couldn't think of anyone who deserved it more. They were all looking forward to it. Actually my mom was a little nervous, but still. For me to take this away felt wrong on every level. But would they prefer to stay and spend that time with Aviana? Or maybe after everything they'd been through with the accident, they couldn't? Should I tell them and let it weigh heavily for their entire trip? Do I go against Aviana, and continue to force-feed her until they get back? Then once they got back, we would give them time with her, and continue on? Gosh, we've been force-feeding her for years, what's another 44 days for them to have their trip? At this point it just felt wrong though, because once you know, you can't unknow. To force Aviana to eat one more day felt awful! I felt like I was between a rock and a hard place every.single.day. My head was about to blow off from the added stress.

More than thinking about the trip, I was worried about my mom and Gary's mental state. What is the best way for them to go about losing their granddaughter - the love of their life - for the second time! Should they be here, or there? Should they know now, or later? Is it best for them to be in another country, or not? Are they going to want to be holding her and watching her die, or not? Gosh darn it!! Should I have just told them everything from the beginning and let them decide? They are adults! Why am I trying to control this whole situation? I thought I was over control issues : / Oh yes, to protect them from pain. But, I might die from this myself! After all they've been through will they survive this? Or will this be the end of them. Will the feeding thing push my mom over the edge? Will it be the final nail in her coffin? I felt I could somehow have it both ways, but how? I would wrack my brain by day, and night. I had the whole Aviana element all worked out, so somehow, someway - I could work this out too. I was torn every which way and everyday. Most everyone had a different opinion, or could see both sides on the matter as well. It was insane.

Typing this right now feels insane. I just wanted to make it all okay - to take any sort of pain I could, but I now realize, there was nothing I could do. The pain is the pain, the hurt is the hurt and it sucks all the same - no matter how you try and shelter or control it for someone else. 

All I do know is I continuously swirled the same questions round and round, "What are the odds of the timing of this trip?? They never go away!! Can you believe this?!?" Had it not been for the trip, everything would have just come naturally.

To be continued...         

Handle With Care

Most things are all mine to tell, some are not. Some things take time and permission. Not only time in waiting, but the courage to finally ask for permission. Some of the topics I write about are so incredibly sensitive. This particular one is no exception.

My mom has always had a love/hate relationship with my blog. Hate is too strong of a word, maybe dislike is better. The latter stems from a few things. She's of a certain belief, and doesn't think I should share nearly as much as I do. I also write some very painful posts about the one she loves more than anything. I can't count the times I've told her not to read. But my statement is always followed with an emphatic, "I have to!" That one's a glutton! For sure. I swear she reads with one eye closed - all the while, bracing herself. She recently told me she learned to never read at night. She now knows she won't sleep if she does. Her new and improved strategy - she reads in the morning. That way, she has a full day to process. 

While those who know us personally are familiar with almost everything towards the end, everyone else is missing one small piece. I've felt this piece is very important. I suppose my mom does too, because she immediately agreed when asked if it was okay for me to post about. I wanted to share with you all along, but everything was so unknown and heightened at the time, I thought it best we just get through and see how we all felt at a later date. 

It's going to take some time and just a couple posts for me to unfold. I'm sorry. I can't stand when people do that. You know - say something but don't actually say it all right away. Other than one super sized post (and I so don't want to do that!) I can't see any other way...

*** 

It's one thing to have to hear the words, internalize, process and do what you must with them for yourselves. It's a whole other when deciding the release of those all too delicate words to others. Every detail of not only when, how, and where, but also with which words must be carefully planned in hopes of minimally shredding, already shredded hearts. A tall order indeed. 

Since the day of the accident, I have especially taken it upon myself to always protect my Mom and Gary. An attempt to guard their hearts. To at least try to soften each blow. As we can only imagine, they carry an astronomical amount of guilt over all that happened. Try as we might in asking them to release any - they never will. 

We were all on the same page in regard to the trajectory of Aviana's life, but the actual conversations were always difficult. It's hard to love someone so much and then voluntarily and actively have conversations about letting them go. Even when you know it's right. I'm sure there are many out there who have been in similar shoes and can relate. Ugh, I'm sorry to anyone who can relate!! 

My mom always wanted to accompany me/us to all of Aviana's appointments. The one with her new pediatrician was without exception. I made sure to prepare her, in advance, and all about Palliative Care. I explained this particular appointment was going to lead to a request. 

I had asked my mom if she could take Aviana out of the office when the time came because I wasn't ready for little ears to hear talk of it yet. My mom happily agreed, as I don't think she was quite ready either.

As you may remember, in our actual Palliative appointment, we soon learned of our feeding option.

At this point, I realized not only was I trying to protect my mom, but was honestly afraid of her reaction to the feeding issue. You may remember, her world revolves around feeding people. It's one way she shows her love and affection. For this reason, amongst others of my own, I initially felt sick from this appointment.  

From this point on, we tried to keep things general and avoid overly detailed descriptions when it came to my Mom and Gary. As in - I would research, we would continue going to appointments, but above all, we wanted to make sure it was something that would come about. Once we knew, we had some serious decisions to make about telling my Mom and Gary. There were still quite a few obstacles up ahead. 

The difficult part was, I tell my mom pretty much everything! And all who know me know I share pretty much everything. This was weighing heavenly on my mind and just about ate me alive. I couldn't let it out though. At the time, I knew I was safeguarding all of us. I felt it was in our best interest to withhold. 

But gosh, I can't tell you how many times I waffled a day. But at the end of the question, and deep down, I always felt I was doing the right thing.

Thankfully I had so many others to talk to, and help me through in the meantime. There are not enough words in every language to express how grateful I am to everyone who stood by me during that time. I'm a lucky girl. 

Aviana is and was everything. I needed to be really careful with how I handled every aspect...especially with how this all began, and how it could potentially end. 

I Hop

Do you remember the game Frogger? Well as a kid it was one of my all time favorites. Lately that little to and fro, side to side, yet methodically thinking frog reminds me of someone. The parallel lies between the game and my posts.  Not so much in a speedy sense - but more in the back and forth, trying to get my little frog self and stories home nature.

I have so much to say - too many posts to count. The only thing I can come up with is, in the time of actually realizing we were going to lose Aviana, my writing mind went on the fritz. Meaning, the wheels were/are in full swing, but connecting it all takes extra time and attention. And time and attention is something I sometimes really have and want to give, and sometimes, I really just don't or can't - for a variety of reasons. I hope that makes sense? 

I have posts, old and new. Ones I want in chronological order, and others to stand alone. Some, which reflect how I feel now, and others pertain to then. Some that got lost in time and space, but still linger. I have some I held so very near and dear to my heart, and for that reason, you tend to see them trickle from time to time. I have questions you've asked, which I have yet to answer - not because I don't want to - but because the subject matter takes time for me. In all, they will find their way...

So, I hop. And I thank you for staying by my side as I do.

I picture myself as a kid, Atari joystick in hand. Strategically navigating those frogs. Trying my best to get them across, and home safely. I had not a clue that game would still be relevant in my life - some 30 years later!   

Like Mice

The thought haunted from time to time. Grimly shaking its chains. Knowing full well of my strengths - wheelchairs, boots, and other binding apparatuses - but capturing my grave weakness in another area.

At first fleeting, "twice is too much." As time ticked this single phrase became an echo. But then, the memories, colors, her, everything - flashing. Vibrantly soft, yet searing. My mind was ablaze. She, in polka dot pink and denim blue - innocent and beautiful as ever. The echo was no longer. But now a wave of reverberation. Reflecting through every cell in my body. "Twice is too much." 

Flashes from the first gain momentum. They mix with the impending days ahead. Try as I might, I hold her but can't shake the thought. Stitch by stitch, item by item. Holding on, letting go. Often times when I look to the horizontal and vertical - to the drawers and shelves - I can feel my chest tighten, my back teeth clench. Convincing myself,
"Relax, breathe. It will all be okay." 

I was confused, because I'm not sentimental about these sorts of things. So after all these years, I could never quite put my finger on exactly what it was about her little shirts, skirts, dresses, and pants that drove me.  Writing is much like dissecting my brain. I realized in putting this post together - it had nothing to do with the clothes, and everything to do with the bond Aviana and I forever had over two things: clothes and books, books and clothes.

When all was lost from beginning to end, we always had the two. The two always brought us together. Impossibly close. When I couldn't bond with her in the beginning, we found each other in Skelly the Skeleton Girl and jean dresses. After we found each other, but lost ourselves once again (in many respects) due to the accident, those stories and outfits became even more important. When there was almost nothing I could do or buy for her because of the accident - I could once again rely on the two. They forever brought us together when all else was lost. They created another world for us. A world which was right, when so much was wrong. 

So it makes perfect sense how I was able to clear the house of almost all other things, except our favorite books, and of course her clothes. 

As time went on I was given the gift of complete concentration on Aviana. The best part was an overwhelming sense of calm in order to be fully present with Aviana for every moment of her last days. As part of this, I was able to let all other aspects which were previously pulling - fall away. What I was given was beyond me. It was much like an out of body experience. I thanked God constantly (and still do) for allowing me to feel everything, but not let it take me over and under. 

I learned a long time ago that I haven't a clue how I will react until I'm actually faced with a difficult decision. This was proven once again while Aviana was in the very last stages of her life.

Time had gone past what we'd been told to expect. Often times while Aviana was asleep, we tried to keep ourselves (mostly our minds) occupied. One night, we decided the time was right. Our thought process was simple - it would be easier on our hearts to pull her clothes together while she was alive, rather than after she passed. 

She was asleep in the farthest area from her room. So like mice, we gathered and lovingly folded every last piece of her clothing. Not to put too much time and attention on any one single item. And for God's sake...making sure not to picture her in anything, which was near impossible. This undertaking required a little speed, a light mood, but especially quiet so as not to wake Aviana. The last thing we wanted was for her to hear one peep out of us.

We did our best to keep our thoughts a world away from exactly what we were doing, but how? The most difficult part came when the closet was stark white and empty - just as it began...7 short years prior. It felt like the end of an era.

That's when the tears came...

And just kept on coming sporadically as we bagged all of those adorable little pieces up and finally placed them in the back of Dave's car for a donation to Goodwill set for a later date.

Not too long after Aviana died, we drove all of her clothes to our local drop off point and gave them away. While it was a little sad when we let them go - it actually felt really good.

In all reality, the second time around wasn't as hard as the first. This time, we let those clothes go with a peace in knowing - something we didn't have the first time.

  

Two Words

I saw this on another blog a little while ago, and it got me thinking.

Some of the answers people gave were:

don't settle - love yourself - leave sooner - save money - be present - don't stress

walk away - you're worthy - quit smoking - you CAN - be confidant - use sunscreen

stop worrying - keep singing - choose wisely - stay pure - enjoy NOW - accept help

trust God - pay attention - just relax - you matter - buy Apple - family first

fear not - stop eating - just breathe - have faith - finish college - it ends 

I thought about it and mine would be -

~ Let Go ~

What would yours be?

You Take the Good.

The Big C

Aviana had been gone for just over two full weeks. One day, as I was sitting on the patio, my eyes grew wide with a sudden realization. Had it really been just over two weeks? After all this time, and all these years....could it be? 

Not once had I thought about, typed, or searched for anything to do with cancer. I sat and contemplated. It was just as I thought. I couldn't battle one more thing, and most importantly, be there to care for Aviana too. I both smiled and cried because it was as though all of that died with her. I was released. I was finally free - free of the Big C.

That other person felt unfamiliar to me, almost unrecognizable, like someone from my past. It was a very strange feeling. It was as though I had to remind myself of those days, those manic nights. It's nice to go to bed and be at ease.


You're Not 64

Some of the most peaceful days were right after Aviana died.

There was sadness, but there was an overwhelming sense of calm because Dave and I knew we gave our girl what she wanted. 

My entire body felt relaxed. But just like the cancer search, it took me a little while to realize my aches and pains had disappeared. The pain in my shoulder, back, hips and right leg disappeared. They all vanished into thin air. To me, it was bizarre. After all the questioning, I finally had my answer - stress and grief.

  

In retrospect, it made perfect sense. Against my will, my friend Jen thankfully got me into yoga. It's become my saving grace. I had hip and leg problems for over a year. During my first class the instructor put us into a pose in order to stretch our hips. She explained how we hold most all of our stress in our hips! After numerous doctor and chiropractic appointments - that moment, those uttered words - wow! It was as though a wall of wonder came tumbling down around me. 

Right after Aviana died, Dave and I were going to yoga three days a week. Although Aviana was gone physically - in yoga - I could feel her spirit right there with me. So intensely, I sometimes had to almost get up and leave. I honestly can't understand why I fought going for so long, as it's right in line with all of the various things I read and believe in. I am eternally grateful to my friend for keeping at me!

Every time I slip and skip out for a week of weight and step type classes, I find myself falling away from Aviana and everything, which feels good and right in my life. I finally realize something is off. Yoga keeps me completely centered, and in tune with what's important.  


Hair, Skin & Nails

My hair is growing back! Two thumbs up and a z snap for that! It's still pretty dry, but it's coming along. Baby steps. First you have hair, then you work on the hair ; ) I usually put coconut oil in it every so many weeks, but honestly...who wants to sit with that in your hair for hours on end? Not me! But I really need to keep up on it!

My doctor honestly thought my face would get better three months after Aviana. I had serious doubts based on all I've been through with my face. It's been close to four months and while it's a little better, it's still bad. I believe she is going to check my hormones. She thought my cortisol would be high at the time due to everything. We'll see. I'm at a loss. I know I've asked you all before...but again, if you have any new tips, tricks, help...please! Dave found me a new place to go, but I've already been to two...so I'm kind of leery : /

I worked hard and got all the way down to almost half my dose of headache medication. On the day of Aviana's service, I thought it a great idea to cut another 25 mg making it a full half! I was slammed by daily headaches for over a month. Finally after about 6 weeks, I made the difficult decision to go back up the 25mg again. I've been good since! I suppose that was my tipping point. My nails stayed the same. Not as strong, but not half as weak as before!

I can't take Biotin. I tried and it gave me headaches...


Stuff & Nonsense

Above I said some of the most peaceful days were right after Aviana died, and they were. As more time has passed, coupled with some other family drama, and those bereavement classes...I've noticed some of my same symptoms have returned in recent weeks - back, leg, hips, shoulder. It's strange to sit in class and see the outline of a body and read, "How do these feelings show up in your body? Headaches, stomach aches, back and neck pain, chest pain?"

I know it's the right thing to do - to walk through all of this, but it all makes me miss Aviana that much more. It makes me feel her void and realize even more just how much she was the focus of my life for the past 6 years. I come home from the bereavement class and really feel...flat. And then, after three weeks of bereavement, now I feel I need an appointment with someone familiar, someone who has known us from the very beginning - my counselor Maggy.

There are some differences though. I now know exactly what the cause is...so it's a matter of controlling the mind and not letting it spin off. So far, so good. Once again, I got caught in the trap of letting yoga go for other workouts. Why do I do that when I know what works? I haven't a clue, but I'll straighten that out too : )

***

I am committing more. Slowly, but surely.

I did make one giant leap, one that shocked me. I signed up for a writer's workshop in Washington : ) I planned to go by myself, which wasn't a surprise because I like to do things by myself, go to the movies, and other things.

But then, a while later it dawned on me - one of my closest friends would absolutely love this workshop! She loves to write. My gosh...she's been writing all her life!! I couldn't believe I hadn't thought of her, actually I could. My mind can sadly be quite linear at times. I called her and she signed up the next day. So we are now going together! It's in October. My very favorite month : ) I always find it interesting that I lost my two best girls in October - my favorite month, which holds my very favorite holiday. There are no coincidences!

***

I am making lists of things to do everyday and actually marking things off. Against my urge to throw my hands up and smother Rainey in kisses, I force myself to stay focused! All in the name of an increased attention span! Look at me, it's like I'm learning to be an adult all over again.

***

Dave helps me greatly with my worst-case scenario stuff. Much of this has subsided since Aviana died though, which I am grateful for. I feel my former self returning, and with time, only hope to continue in that direction. I also look to friends and mentally take notice - they have things go wrong and usually don't get sick, injured, or die. Check! I am going to talk to my counselor further about this. I need a pep talk.

***

All of the bad doesn't hold a candle to the good! The bad will resolve itself and become a learning experience as with everything else.

For all Aviana has given, all of this really is nothing...

There were times when I thought, "I wonder how many years this experience has taken off my life?" But then my very next thought was, "If my years are fewer - at least they will be more meaningful than they previously ever would have been! Or better yet, I wonder how many were added because of the ways in which Aviana changed me!"

You Take the Good...You Take the Bad

Part Two

Time Keeps on Ticking

The cuffs were clinked. As time went on, Aviana and I continued to respectively and progressively decline. She, in her eating. Me, in other ways. I couldn't tell what was from what.

I should preface the rest by saying, yes! I'm well aware of the Where the Sidewalk Ends, 'Sick' correlation. I was reverted back to my childhood with every cycle of the mind. My headache medication had side effects. I had lost about a third of my hair, and it was dry as a bone. Tink (that's my hair breaking off). My previously super strong nails - were paper-thin. My back was all kinds of bad. My entire right leg had been hurting for over a year. Both my hips were causing me problems, especially my right. Was it from carrying and transferring Aviana all the time, or was it from the medication? I wasn't sure.

My face was breaking out at an alarming rate. I tried what seemed like everything. Was it from my medication? Stress and grief? Both? I finally decided to start cutting my medication, but very slowly so as not to cause problems with my head. My face wasn't getting any better. Dave kept telling me, "you know what works, just do it…it will clear up instantly!" He was telling me to go back on the birth control pill. I didn't want to take another pill as I was already bummed about having to take the headache medication. My face got to an all time bad, so I finally bee lined to the computer and called it in. It was 4 months before Aviana died. I took them for 3 months. Nothing. Zero. Zilch. A big, fat goose egg. I stopped and guess what? A ton of my hair fell out in the front, on the sides and on top of my hair. Small patches…gone! Awesome. Sometimes, I would attempt to fix one thing, and mess up another. In some ways, I felt like I was falling to pieces. 

This scar runs deep.

If it had to do with Aviana, I was pretty much spot on. It's as though I saved all my brainpower for her, and all her various entities. With everything else, there were numerous slips and slides. That being said, I accidentally let one side of our life insurance lapse so I needed to do all the blood work again. It all came back perfect. Even though it was on paper and in black and white, I didn't believe it. Deep down, and at a level I wasn't even aware of, I learned I'm kind of scarred from this whole experience. In passing, it was brought to my attention that I may have trust issues because of the way some things have gone down with a few of Aviana's doctors over the years. I know I need to get over it. I'm trying, but I think I need more help. A bad cycle of events, wouldn't you say?

Anyway, as the rest of the story goes, I contacted my doctor and ordered more blood work, all the ones I thought were missing from the life insurance paperwork. They all came out perfect. I still wasn't settled. I still thought something severe was wrong with me. I made appointments for my leg, hips, etc. He checked for various things, talked about Aviana and then suggested an anti-anxiety medication. I don't think so. I mean, I know I had some anxiety issues, but the last thing I wanted was another pill. I was okay for about a week or so after that appointment, but then, I tell you...old habits die hard.

When the lights went down...I still thought it had to be cancer. That common right leg kind. I was a Googling maniac, checking every symptom possible. Right leg pain. Right hip pain. Kidney cancer, you name it…I was searching. I would spin off into oblivion some nights. My thought process was always the same - 'if I could catch it early enough, say...in Stage 1, I would be back to caring for Aviana in no time.' But honestly, I couldn't tell what was from what. Are you screaming at the screen right now? "Someone should have shoved the pill down your throat! Sheesh!"

My last thought as my exhausted digits would release the stupid phone for the night was usually, 'crap, you're screwed! Worrying about cancer causes cancer. Congratulations dumba**!' By day I was usually okay. By night...watch out! Anxiety city!

Other fun and games.

I have commitment issues, which I'm trying to work through. I believe tomorrow is not promised and we may all be dead, so why plan for it! It's both a good and bad thing. 

I have a short attention span and can't seem to concentrate on what I'm doing for long (e.g., I have about 7 blog posts started, but never finished).

While Aviana was here, and something did go wrong, my mind immediately went to the worst-case scenario. The worst happened. The worst outcome, and the worst ending. My mind is conditioned and needs to be broken. I need a reset button back to how my mind worked before. Dave isn't like that though, he still thinks rationally. He helps me.

While at the same time as feeling completely alive, I feel emotionally and physically drained from all we've been through in the past 4.5 years. This past year especially took everything I had, and in every way possible. There were many times I wondered how I was going to make it through. The love and pain were at their absolute strongest, but the duality of our decision in letting her go and then actually carrying it out was unbelievable. I knew something had to give though. Aviana and I had an unreal, non-verbal connection. We spoke each other's language all day long. She was an extension of me, as I was of her. For better or worse, round and round we went. We are still an extension of each other, but for better only. I feel pain, but finally it's in a healthy, resolved way, which makes all the difference. We traveled our intended path, but now, both our souls are finally at rest.

A new day...a new way!

There has been way more good that's come of our experience than bad! If you're still reading this book, the next post is about what's come of all of this. 

You Take the Good...You Take the Bad

Part One

A battle for both of us.

While Aviana was here, Google became my best and worst friend. We developed a relationship, which as time went on, progressively turned toxic. Many times, I tried to shake him, but his pull was strong - especially in the wee hours of morning. The breeding ground was best when the house was quiet, and the mind was in rapid fire.

After the accident it was all about the brain, therapy, and recovery. That was all fine and healthy. The tides began to turn when we were progressing the best we could, but Aviana was not. 

Never before had I any sort of medical worries. Things had gone wrong in the past, but never did I give them too much thought. I took things for what they were, and moved forward. Never once did I worry excessively. Moreover, never once did I worry about something which had yet to happen. I've talked on here about an acquired fear I noticed early on - the fear of cancer. In it crept. "Welcome to the land of borrowed trepidation. We're glad you could join our 1-4am session. Please, enjoy your stay." It started off slow, in the corners of my mind. 

My counselor asked, "why cancer of all things?" My answer was simple - I can't fight one more thing. Right now, I'm in the battle of my life. I have to be here for her! There's not enough of me to be in two places at once. I can't possibly fight for Aviana and battle something of my own! 

Beginning of the end.

We eventually stopped Aviana's program. We were at one of our lowest points. We knew if we ever reached this point, we were going to let Aviana go should something come along and take her. That was a hard realization; to know something so deep and true within our hearts, but to then find a way to live every day.

We realized how important it was to appreciate every moment, as our time could be short? We learned to accept and love Aviana for exactly who she was, until. The pain in between though - in knowing, and waiting - it was like slowly spinning that metal arm of a Jack in the Box, you never quite knew which crank would make him pop out at you. It was downright difficult, because sometimes, you wanted to wind that arm around like crazy, and sometimes...you didn't want to touch it.

Everyone saw it, but especially those who knew Aviana before. And the truth was, once you knew, there was no eraser big enough to wipe away the writing on the wall. Because our hands were tied (or so we thought) we all coped and made the best for a few reasons: Aviana deserved our best, and what else could we do? We all felt pain in seeing her, but we knew it had the power to devour and destroy, so we tried to kept it at bay. Everyday was it's own kind of beautiful struggle. 

The conflict could be mind bending. I've had migraines since the age of 18, and at this time, they were more frequent. For over 7 years my doctors had been suggesting daily medication, I didn't want any part. I'd finally had it and began ramping up to find the right dose. I was to use the medication in conjunction with my onset injections. 

Aviana was getting worse, and in some respects - so was I. On the outside I seemed okay, but as I sat home with her all day, things started to escalate a little. I loved her so much, but it was definitely not healthy to watch her continue on in this life. It's one thing if you know this is the life for your child, but it's a whole other when you know deep in your momma heart that it's just not right.

To be continued...

Raindrops

Rest in peace.

Smile - Honor - Live

We used to take longer vacations but then realize partway through - we would rather be home. I know...strange. We then started booking shorter vacations. 

After all we'd been through - but most importantly - after all Aviana had opened our eyes to, we felt we might be able to handle a seven day vacation. 

Over the course of my time with Aviana, so much about me has changed. Sometimes I'd venture to say I'm hardly the person I was before the accident. Before, I might prefer going to the same places time and again. Now, my thoughts on travel are different. I don't just want, but crave variety. To me, there are just too many places in this world to go back to the same.

By the very beginning stages of Aviana's decline...I felt like I had been through the wringer. Like a sugarplum at Christmas - there was only one place dancing around my head. Its holistic, peaceful properties were calling. Starting off as a whisper, but gaining momentum with each passing day. 

By the time all was said and done, we knew our minds - although resolved - would need replenishing. Our spirits - although at peace - would need to be reset in order to rebuild once again. The familiar calm and tranquility of this place was definitely what we needed.

Our trip ended up being pushed farther off in the distance. By the time we were ready to book, we found ourselves in a different place. We were out of the exact space we had previously been. Reevaluation was needed. Were we still in need of this sort of trip? We spun, swirled and topped to bottom - bottomed to top list after list of places to go. In the end, and in our hearts, we decided this was still the place for us. 

It turned out to be 7 of the best days of our lives.

We came full circle once again. We took our first trip to this place while in full swing of our adoption for Aviana. It was to be our last trip as just the two of us. We took our second trip there in the midst of the chaos of our intense program with her, which we were soon to taper. And finally, we just took our most recent third trip soon after Aviana died. 

I feel this place was put in our path long ago and holds all of the elements, which we had not a clue we'd so desperately need in our future. The very things I could not embrace all those years ago. I could appreciate them from afar. I could look on at their beauty, but could never delve into them. I wasn't ready - in mind, body, or spirit. I did not have the patience. I did not know how to relax, to fully enjoy. I had not a clue how to be still, in thought or anything. I did not understand. I was on my way at the time, on my journey, but I had so far to go. 

The funny thing is - I had forgotten why we had taken our first trip there. Dave reminded me on the way to the hotel from the airport. The realization shook me. The pieces kept falling into place with every step. As if we were part of a grander plan and I was merely a pawn - playing the part. 

The place. Aviana. Our journeys, merging together in perfect harmony. We could not have chosen better. 

Every day, and in every way we were fulfilled. There were certain things we wanted to do in honor of Aviana, there were moments I wasn't expecting - both of which I will write about in another post. For the first time in what seems forever...we felt free - in every way possible. This is the very same feeling we must share with Aviana, albeit separately. And yes, there were many tears left in downtown Cabo for the reality of our division.

Because of Aviana we are acutely aware that every moment is to be lived, appreciated, and for God's sake - not taken for granted. 

Because of Aviana I can relax into my surroundings and myself. Like never before, I can truly take in everything around me. To really absorb the sights, sounds, smells and the pure beauty of our earth.

Because of Aviana I am open to go, do, see. I'm flexible and let the wind carry me wherever it might.

Because of Aviana we weren't ready to come home, and have decided to become permanent travelers ; ) That is - if we can take a certain Rainey girl! 

I could go on forever, but I'll stop here as these most pertain to our trip!

I used to say this all the time to my friend after the accident, "it took Aviana's accident to make me the mom I always wanted to be." I know it served zero purpose, but through tears, I was merely stating a fact. 

I know it serves no purpose, but again, it's just the single thought that sometimes crosses my mind in all of my endless gratitude to our girl. I always feel her life was sacrificed to help me see, to help me come to, to help me appreciate. I suppose this was part of her purpose. In her short 7 years on earth...her life was traded for what I learned, for what I have...it sometimes makes me cry.

On our first visit, we had their dinner on the beach. It was so nice.

So we did it again!

We swam with the dolphins this day and then went shopping. 

Jello shot at Squid Roe!

 Next up, dancing at Mandala. I can't remember the last time we went dancing...it's been way too long. 

This was our last morning.

Until next time...

❤