Nashville

You know what I know for sure? That I don't know anything! I have an entire post about this subject, but for now...Nashville was one of the very last places I ever thought I wanted to go in my life.

Seven years ago, you couldn't get me to listen to one note of country music, even if you sat on me, and strapped me down into a chair. I would have found a way to fight my way out, and run from what I thought was the most annoying, non-music, sounding twang. 

Look at me now. My choice of vacation destination...Nashville, Tennesse.  

I've learned to never say never.

Our hotel was in the heart of music row, and right next to the Ryman Auditorium. My dad and I rounded the corner and there was live music flowing out of every well...what they call Honkey Tonk, down the entire street. It was crazy!

I was determined to come back with a pair of cowboy boots...I wanna be a cowgirl! 

Did I really just say that? 

My dad and I liked this sign because only one letter was still lit!

We walked all over looking for this place because we heard they had really good Fried Dill Pickles. We finally stopped and asked this horse drawn carriage guy if he knew where it was, he said, "Well, let's see, if you turn around and take a few steps that way, and he pointed to that sign." 

Yeah, it was right behind us, and pretty embarrassing. Nothing screams TOURIST quite like that!

This bar was all dollar bills.

This was the coolest thing ever. They would pedal their little bar around town while drinking at the same time. I took some video below.

The CMT Awards were the night we left, which was the kick off to the week of Fan Fair. It was perfect because the days leading up were getting busier and busier downtown, but we got out just in time for the zoo of people! 

We went to the famous Loveless Cafe.

Love these signs, they are all over Nashville.

I asked the waitress what their best pies were, and she said Coconut and Peanut Butter Cream. I said, well then, I'll have one of each.

Pie. It's what's for breakfast.

I had a bite of each. It's my job, right - to taste pie everywhere I go!

I put my dad to work...

While I went shopping : )

We then kept on driving to Graceland.

I couldn't believe how many gold and platinum records he earned. 

This wasn't even close to all of them...

He, his grandmother, mom, dad, and a marker for his twin brother were all there. 

My daddy and me : )

Gary Allan's tour bus!

Ok...my dad and I have had so many laughs about these pictures of Gary Allan and me. They are so terrible and I haven't showed them to anyone, not even Dave. I didn't want to post them on here, but my dad said that it's the whole reason I went to Nashville. 

He's right, so I am going to. He said, "it's ok honey, there's nothing wrong other than the fact that you look like a Cheshire Cat!" That's exactly the word I was looking for! That is exactly what I look like ; ) I swear to God, when I pulled these pictures up, I took one look and thought, "What the? I've never even seen myself smile like that, what happened to my eyes?" It was all kinds of weird! 

If I told you about when I requested a song, you would die laughing. I made a total spectacle of myself. Someone else stepped into my body and took over. My dad and I were looking at each other wondering who the heck I was? Often times, I don't even know anymore?

The whole Gary Allan thing was one misstep after the next. I was falling all over myself ; /

They have a watermark, because I am not about to pay $20 a print for them. I will just appreciate my other picture I have with him from when I met him this past September : )

Gary Allan's clothing store.

We were driving and my dad saw this! He turned around and went back to get some pictures.

Isn't it great?!?

Why yes I do!

This is a famous bar that used to have a tunnel connected to the Ryman Auditorium, which used to be the old Grand Ole Opry. Back in the day, they used to perform, take a break, go through the tunnel to the bar, grab a drink and then go back and keep performing!

This is pretty much what it looked like when you pass by any place up and down the street!

My dad has told me about fireflies, and I was dying to see one as I had never in my life. We waited until dark and went to this really cool park. We sat out there for a while and watched them fly around. I had never seen anything like it. They were one of the neatest little things on earth. We were so taken by them. We wished we could bottle them up and start them here in California!

They were definitely one of the highlights of the whole trip!

These are the dressing room numbers. Since 4 is my very favorite number...

I love this dressing room!

That black metal bar on the wall represents where the water rose to when the place flooded a few years ago : ( 

I felt instantly sick when we saw the line up on the wall. Do you see what I see? Kip Moore from 7-7:30 on June 5th. This was a revised schedule. I didn't know he was there, but after Gary Allan, we could have definitely made it over to see him!

The circle you see on the stage was cut out from the old Opry so all performers can stand in the very place the original performers stood. They were devastated when the place was flooded, as this piece was under all that water. It was restored though, and put back into place.

It took them 4 months of working 24/7 until they were able to re-open. 

Now I can be a cowgirl ; )

But, where am I going to wear them?

Around the house.

The store.

To Target.

To the park.

To take Avi and Rainey on a walk.

Wherever I want, right?

***

Never Say Never

Nashville was one of the best trips of my life. I loved the town, but most of all I loved the people. They were all so nice, and so honest. I can't tell you how many people said they didn't like fried dill pickles, and they couldn't stand country music.

I found it so refreshing.

I love you Nashville, we'll definitely be back!

Crazy for Kip

We've been having so much fun lately! I wanted to share one of the best nights with you. One of my favorite new artists is Kip Moore, and right before we left for Nashville, we were lucky enough to see him!

Yeah...I'm a nut, I was the very first one in line, and the first one to the stage once inside. I got there at 3:45 just to make sure we would be right in front of his face. He went on at 11pm. I am well aware, I'm insane! It was 100 degrees outside. 

I cooked for you Kip.

This is my friend Sara and me. We were hoping to capture Kip in back of us!

Ahhh...sweet success!

Have I told you lately? 

I think you're amazing!

Awww...I think that's one of the cutest pictures I've ever seen.

Maybe we can get one, too?

Dave, you blinked...let's try it again.

Gosh darn it Dave!!

Sadly, my girl Amy was in Wisconsin for the show. So I decided I couldn't let her go without a piece of him. He was sweet enough to sign this for her : )

This is my very favorite song of his. While I was standing outside waiting, I got to hear them sound check with it : ) That alone made it worth it!

Two of Hearts

I have found some of my closest, and most supportive friends in some of the most unexpected places. For this I am beyond grateful.

I know you've heard me speak of both Trina and Dixie numerous times on this blog. The funny thing is, I've never met either, but have so wanted to.

Trina lives in Southern California and just so happened to be coming up to San Francisco with one of her nine children. She asked if it might be possible that I could meet her. Hmmm....let me think, um YEAH!! I am so grossly behind on posting, because this was somewhere around the beginning of May : / But anyway...

It was pretty last minute, but Dixie lives nearby, so I immediately got in touch with her, and we set the plan in motion. I was going to meet Trina and her daughter Avery, and then after, go meet Dixie. Two people whom I've never met, but two who have loved and supported us through the worst of our lives. How could I ever thank them enough?

Trina was exactly as I thought she would be, and more. She was kind, loving, open and honest. She is one of the most amazing people I have ever met. She has nine children, yet always has time for me. If you've been reading a while, you might remember, she found us early on and held our hand and walked us through. Sadly, her daughter was in an accident when she was 4 years old and suffered a brain injury too.

I will never be able to put into words how grateful I am for her, and her loving spirit. It was so nice to finally meet her!

Trina's daughter Avery, was sweet, and spunky, and everything a girl her age should be. We had a great time in San Francisco together. We went shopping and to lunch, and then they carried on for the rest of the weekend together with a group of Girl Scouts.

Trina takes the most amazing pictures, she allowed me to take these from her blog : )

Isn't Avery adorable!

***

As I was driving into San Francisco, I paid the bridge toll, began to cross and ironically, this most beautiful song began to play on my playlist...

http://youtu.be/rqQ2xT5EuoQ

As I was leaving SF, I was stuck in bumper to bumper traffic. I looked in my side mirror and saw this most beautiful site ; ) Mmmm....I soaked it all in!

***

Dixie has been someone I have wanted to meet for a long time, too. We have tried for a little while now to connect, but for one reason or another it hasn't been easy. Dixie has been a constant source of love and support for our family. She's there for us like no other. 

I find it fascinating how close she and I have become. We have never met, but are amazingly close. We speak to each other like we've known one another for years. She's a wealth of information, but yet her delivery of all that knowledge is in a kind and loving manner. Do you know what I mean? Do you know this kind of person? If you have ever read one of her comments you would understand exactly what I mean. 

I got to her house, and could honestly have stayed forever. We were like Chatty Kathy dolls, talking, talking, talking. It was so nice. 

She has fostered many, many, babies. This little sweetheart below is Baby Daisy. If I'm being quite honest, I'm not big on babies, but this baby....oh.my.gosh. I loved this little one. She melted my soul. I almost put her in my purse and took her home. Would anyone have noticed? Yes, Dixie, the biggest baby person on the planet! 

Dixie's world brightens at the word baby, just as mine at the word dog. She could take dogs, or leave them. We both laugh at each other's difference of opinion, yet appreciate the fact that we exist in the world for the other. That's the beauty, right?

I am blessed beyond belief to know these two women. My life is so much better, so much richer, and for that I am thankful.

I love you both!

The Feeding Food Chain

I forgot to include this picture in my previous post. It was from my uncle's birthday. My mom was feeding Aviana, and I had just sliced up some birthday pie. I was attempting to feed my mom a bite!

My uncle captured this moment so perfectly ; )

Aviana's eyes say it all, "wait a tick, is that chocolate cream pie on her spoon, and still this healthy stuff on mine? Oh hell noooo! It's time to lock this jaw on up!"

***

Thank you so much for the suggestions for feeding, we have already started implementing some of them!

Thank you also to those who sent us messages of support for the 3 year anniversary of the accident yesterday. I was truly amazed how you remembered! We so appreciated your thoughts and well wishes. It was a really good day this year in celebration of the dads!

We spent a great weekend in Tahoe; sharing in a wedding, going to the beach, and celebrating Father's Day. It was perfect in every way! 

Good Question

Someone asked a great question about Aviana's food.

"Forgive me if you have already tried this, but since you are no longer on the program, is it possible to change what you feed her? Is it possible she really can't palate the food?"

Thank you for asking! I meant to include this, and forgot : ) We have tried to change it up, and make it more interesting. We have run the gauntlet all the way down to her former favorite of Taco Bell. Some things work for a few bites, and then not. We are to the point where we will give her anything just to get her to open her mouth. 

So, if she's not going to open her mouth, we stick to what's good for her. Her doctor thinks it's a control thing. Since it's the only thing in her whole life she has control over, she's taking the opportunity! Makes sense, frustrating, but it makes sense. 

That was a great question. 

I so welcome any help, or suggestions!

Feeding Frenzy

If there's one time I need to read other's blogs for appreciation, it's during feeding. I should have them propped up, and as I give Avi a spoon, I should take in a good, healthy sized, dose of gratitude at the very same time!

Truth be told, we've gone rounds with her. I start off showering her with love and kisses. I'm a sweet talking little Momma at first, but my sugary words fall on deaf ears, so then my efforts turn to indifference. The numbness slowly evolves into downright nasty, as sadly that seems to be what she prefers. Then, the guilt sets in. How can I be nasty to this little girl? It's the only way she opens her mouth though. It's the only time I ever raise my voice and get mad at her.

Feedings are usually a degree of sheer torment at some point around here, and I'm sick of it. I am having feeding tube fantasies again : )

She is so damn stubborn. As I'm feeding her, I often laugh thinking about if some stranger walked into my house, and saw the exchange taking place. It would look something like this ~ wicked witch of the west mom,  and what looked like the poor, innocent, brain injured child who appeared to be just trying to do her best to eat her food. They would attempt to have me put away.

If you've fed our child for any consecutive length of days, you would know, the snapshot is just not the reality of the situation. Actually, you would probably toss the spoon, and bowl, throw your arms in the air, and go running down the street with a combination of dandelion greens, yam and daikon radish all on your hair, face and cute little outfit! If we could hire someone to come in and feed her every.single.meal of the day, we would! Dave and I are at the end of our rope.

Before Aviana was in the hospital this recent time, our doctor asked me, "do you think her feeding issues are brain injury related, or behavioral?" I spat, "BEHAVIORAL!" Yes, I pretty much screamed it at him. As the words were barely out of my mouth, her doctor completely agreed, he said, "it's behavioral, and we need to break this stallion!" But guess what, after the botched liver biopsy, the whole perfectly placed feeding plan fell by the wayside. He pitched us a Porsche, but after, pretty much washed his hands of us and sent us off in the Yugo of feeding. Why? Well, I'm still trying to untangle the mystery.

In the meantime, we duke it out with the child three times a day, oh and I must not forget, I stand on the corner and proposition anyone who will come feed our child.

Real Life Scenario

Overview

A few weeks after we almost lost Avi. We were loving on her. We were hugging her tightly, and so very thankful to have her with us. We were telling her how much we love her and how grateful we were to have her here with us. We were both crying over her, which never happens, as Dave almost never cries.

Dave was about to feed her and I was going to make a Paula Dean Lemon Loaf Cake (yeah, I actually sometimes do make other things, than pie : ) I was sweet talking Aviana and told her that if she ate well she could have some for dessert.

Dave starts feeding. I start baking.

Dave: Avi, do a good job ok. Dessert is going to be good tonight.

Dave: Come on honey, open your mouth.

Jen: Avi, you need to open your mouth sweetie. Don't you want dessert tonight. It's going to be good.

Dave: Avi, come on. You need to eat.

Jen: Avi, that's not opening your mouth. How are we supposed to feed you if you don't open?

Dave: You're about to lose your dessert.

Jen: Just stop Dave. Forget it. Put her to bed. I'm so sick of this.

Dave: Come on Avi, open your mouth.

Dave: Miki, open your mouth baby.

Dave: Fine. Forget it. You're going to bed!

Jen: Good job Avi. You lost your dessert and now your going straight to bed. All because you won't open your mouth!

As you can see, within one feeding, she can turn us on a dime. She drives us crazy. And you know who else drives us crazy, her Nana. While we so appreciate her help in coming over to feed her sometimes. What we don't appreciate is when we are feeding her, and like a parrot -  she perches over our shoulder and says things like....

She has food in her mouth.

You're going too fast.

She just doesn't like her food.

She needs more water.

She needs to swallow.

You need to slow down.

She needs a break.

She's so cute.

Awww...look at how cute she is.

She's such a good girl. (She says this when she's doing horribly)

Avi, you're such a good girl!

It's like the two of them are in cahoots. My mom says all of the above in the sweetest, cutest, little voice ever, which used to fool me. It makes it really hard to get upset, but the truth is, when you just feed her once in a while...yes, she does look cute and yes, you can make little observations of what you think it might be, and yes, you can be on her side. We feed her day in, and day out, we know how fast, if she has food in her mouth, if she has swallowed or not, if she needs a break, when she needs water, we know every nuance of this child.

I do however see my mom's point of view, Aviana is her baby and it hurts her deeply to see us get frustrated with her The bottom line though is we are her parents and we have to keep her weight up. That is such a stressful thing. Her health, weight, and well being rest entirely on our shoulders and if she's not opening her mouth, well then, we can't do any of the above. I've thought about this a great deal over the past few days, and what it boils down to is - when feeding, my mom is looking at Aviana from a purely emotional standpoint, we are observing her physically.

Oh Avi, I'm about to stick a tube back in you! I never thought I would have to threaten my child with a feeding tube. I often wonder why we worked so hard to get the thing out? We wanted so desperately to give her some sort of a quality life. We desperately wanted for her to be able to enjoy food, like so many of us do. To be able to eat, socially, like we all do. But you know what...she could take food, or leave it if you ask me. She really doesn't care. So why should we?

I talk a good story, but I'm sure I won't ever go the feeding tube route again. There were many benefits, but there were a host of drawbacks as well. Switching would essentially be trading one problem for another.

The truth of the matter is - for me, feeding has always been a struggle. I didn't remember this, but a few days ago, I had to go back to the very beginning of this blog, and there it was, in black and white, feeding problems. Boy did it jar all the old memories. I spoke of my feeding battles with Aviana prior to the accident. She's a stubborn little one. It's nice to see some things haven't changed, or is it?

Rainbow in the Dark

Melanoma

Brain Tumors

Pancreatic Cancer

In the dark of the night, I go searching, seeking. I tend to surround myself in these kinds of sad stories. My mom calls me morbid. At first, I questioned the fixation...but continued to devour every word. These people, these stories, they mean so much to me. In a sense, I feel I am fighting their battle right along with them. I feel their pain, and when they are on an up, well so am I. But of course, when that pendulum swings, I go right along with it. 

There is so much pain in this world. So I began to question, along with my mom, don't I have enough for one hundred and two lifetimes? Why would I want more?

My mom calls me morbid. I beg to differ. While I care so very much for all of these individuals, these families, and for the struggles they are facing now, and in the future, I have finally figured it out. It took me years. I suppose I am slow. What was I getting by combing over these sad stories? Wouldn't it make more sense for me to seek out happy, inspiring, uplifting type things in my hazy shade of sadness? One might think. Or maybe you already understand.

Much like I have asked you to Use Me, I finally realized, I am using these people, too. They are helping me to cope with my very difficult situation. They are helping me to feel more appreciative for what I have.  I now realize, I have to dig way deeper to unearth this appreciation, and for this very reason, I am deemed morbid. 

I can't tell you how many times I finish reading these blog posts and wake up the next morning and say, "Hey Dave, do you want to take Rainey and Aviana to San Francisco today, or to the beach, or do you want to...?" I just have an extra pep in my step, and a huge, stupid grin on my face. Why? Because we are not dying, we are living. Just knowing that even though Aviana can't do anything, at least we all have our health, and not one of us is in a hospital, hooked up to those dreaded machines. It's a good feeling to know that we are still, to some degree, a grab and go kind of family : )

I have to say though, there is a certain level of guilt that washes over at the very same time. As I am making my way through my appreciative day, I am fully aware of all of these families who are in the hospital - hooked up, in the trenches of their lives, and fighting the fight of all fights : (  

These people, these families, while I support them and carry them throughout, they are also my beautiful, brightly colored rainbow in the dark. 

We Love You...

WE MISS YOU!!!

❤ ❤ ❤ 

Since I've Been Gone

A lot has been going on! Some great, some not so great. It's been really busy around here. I'm sorry I haven't been able to even stop in and say hi. Let's see, I guess I'll break this down into bits and pieces...that is, if I can even remember them all.


My Brother


He made the difficult decision to sell his house and possibly move cross country. For a multitude of reasons, this hasn't been easy on our family. We have been physically and emotionally busy packing 12 years of his home into boxes over the past few weeks. 


I share in closing of his chapter, as when my brother's house was finished being built, I was the one who moved straight into his house out of college. My brother happened to still be working in the bay area at the time, and I had been hired by a company and was moving to town from Chico. I lived in his house for about a year by myself. My brother later moved in and we then lived there together until Dave and I got married and our current home was completed. 


My brother's place housed memories for so many, and it has been really sad to have had to take it all down and put it all away. The whole experience took a deep toll on all of us.

Peace, Love, and Pie


As always, pie runs rampant in this home! As things have been shakin' up in the emotional department though, the pie count has been on the rise! Pie calms the mind, body and spirit. 


Actually, I don't know about that lately though. I've had pie problems. I've been struggling through my arch nemesis of pie, which is berry with a lattice top...that oozy little sucker! I have been researching my butt off, day and night, I tell you! But, I finally got you - berry with your criss cross combo...no more bubbling on my beauty baby for you! 


Anyway, pie soothes the soul...so it has been piping pie central around these parts! I have a million pictures to put on the other blog, but I haven't the time lately!

Aviana


She is doing well. I think she likes school. Dave called me one day after she got home from school and asked me if she had a good day. I asked him how I was supposed to tell. He was kind of stumped. I had been thinking a lot about how to answer that particular question, as I had been asked often. After a little thought, Dave told me he thought the way to tell was if she fell asleep when she got home. So now, that is how we tell. 


I think she's enjoying everything. I have been into her classroom a few times and she lifts her head and looks at me. The staff is more than I could ever have asked for. They are all truly amazing people and like I've said before, this is the single best decision we could've made at this point in her life. 


We had to do what we did before, but now...this is the time for her to be in school. 


I have so many pictures of our little love bug to share with you : )

Kip Moore 


I no longer listen to the radio because when a certain black beauty was a pup, she chewed up the antennae in the back of my car. We had been waiting to make sure she had for sure grown out of that stage before we replaced it, as we found out that since it is embedded in the back window, we have to replace the whole thing. 


Well in the meantime, they announced that my favorite new artist opened a date in the area. My friend Sara happened to hear,  and let me know. I immediately got tickets. As you may know, I only pull crazy type stunts for the few I LOVE (and he now qualifies) ~ but I cooked in the 100 degree summer sun (and if you know me, I refuse to go outside in that kind of weather) for hours, to make sure we would be front and center for his show. It was a long day, through four other bands, but my gosh...was he worth it!!

Nashville


Two days after Kip Moore, my dad and I left for Nashville. We were supposed to get home at midnight, but due to some severe storms in Denver, we ended up getting home this morning at 3am. We had the best trip ever. We went to see the Gary Allan Fan Club Party and fireflies. I had never seen one in my entire life and I have to say, those little things are some of the most amazing creatures ever! We also went to Graceland. I'll go into much more detail later, but I have to go make some pies right now. 

Dopamax/Stupimax...I mean, Topamax

I am still adjusting to my new dose, and with that has come a host of the same cognitive issues as before; forgetting things, losing words, my grammar has taken a huge hit, etc. With that, sometimes writing a post can be a difficult thing. It takes me much longer, so at times, I steer clear. 

Just when I think I'm adjusting to this new dose, something hugely wrong happens. A declined credit card, or three, because I forgot to pay the bills?!?!?!? Or, showing up to the Gary Allan Fan Club Party, in Nashville, way later than I wanted, because I had the time wrong by 2 hours. Things that are not me, at all. 

But guess what? I went on vacation, and to a concert for the first time in YEARS and didn't get a headache or have to do a shot, so...it leads me to believe I'm finally getting somewhere : ) : )

It's a bitter pill to swallow though, literally, when you've been one way your entire life, and that way is - really on top of every little detail, and then, you are another....it's awful! It's embarrassing! 

I'm like white on rice with these concerts, and for this to happen, for this all too important show...I was devastated! I was in the 7th row. I wanted to die. If you know me, you know I may as well be in the 52nd row! Topamax got the best of me! 

It's weird too, because on Friday for Kip, golden. All my ducks in a row, right up front. For Gary Allan, the show is in Nashville, Tennessee, I purchased the tickets back in January, we were flying out from California, I have received countless email confirmations, I had even called and talked to the fan club just two weeks prior....how? How could that have happened? I ask myself this very same question all the time on this stupid drug? Oh well, what's done is done. It was still a great show! He was still awesome. Nashville is one of the best places I have ever been in my whole life : )

And, as far as Topamax...I know the alternative, and living with these headaches for the past 19 years....that's a slow death in itself. So...I'll take slightly stoopid. You guys, I was just kidding...I know how to spell stuped ; )

I just wanted to let you all know we are alive and well. I'm sorry to those who worried, I didn't mean to be gone so long. It wasn't my intent...time definitely got away from me!


I'll be back with more pictures then you probably want to see : )